“When you hit rock bottom, there is no other way but up.”
Last Song Syndrome.
The lyrics from this song has been playing in my head for almost a week now and it goes:
Here we go
Come with me
There’s a world out there that we should see
Take my hand
Close your eyes
With you right here, I’m a rocketeer
Let’s fly (fly, fly, fly, fly)
Up, up, here we go, go
Up, up, here we go, go
Let’s fly (fly, fly, fly, fly)
Up, up, here we go, go
Where we stop? Nobody knows (knows)
https://youtu.be/JNP888jVkJg?si=8uNE1C2_MqubzNK5
Yup. Nobody knows, indeed. And I don’t know where to go from here.
At the time I’m writing this, I have not been able to go to work for two days now for the fact that I lacked the resources to have me go from point A to point B. Funny thing about it is, I have got a nice, shiny car stupidly parked at our garage. Reason I can’t go or drive or even commute?
Gas. No gas.
And why it has no gas? No money. Zilch. Nada. Zero. So of course, I cannot also commute. I can walk but it’s gonna take 4 hours to and fro each day for me to do so and I know I can do that, but it will be torture. By the end of the week, I’m probably dead.
What to do, right? I was able to address the basics though, at least for the month. Who knows now how the family and I end up the next billing date with the ‘no work, no pay’ policy. That’s two days of missing out at work and the auto payments may end into overdraft. *sigh — deep breaths*
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I have been racking my brains on how I can monetize anything on the side, to make up for the lack of it. But as it is, I do not know where or how to even start. I do have these writing platforms but in order to monetize it, I need to be a member and to be a member, well, you have to pay. And again… it’s a cycle.
I have thought about content creation but as I do not have the best gadgets for it nor the looks and enough audacity for it, I hold back. Some would say, “People are free to express themselves now, so go for it.” And I will be encouraged but then I pause and ask myself, “What is it exactly that you want to say to the world? Would it be beneficial for anyone to see or hear you?” From there, I fold. Because I’m thinking, I do not want to end up wasting anyone’s time.
And that is it. I do not want to waste anyone’s time.
That phrase made me realize my hyper-independence. I have a hard time asking for help because I did not want to be a bother. An inconvenience. I have asked for help once and I have yet to return the money and the favor that a number of people have already provided. Asking again is for me, too much. Like asking for a hand then grabbing their arm as one adage said.
For some, they may say it’s pride. But for me, it’s not. For I do not feel anymore pride left in me. I could not even step out of our neighborhood without needing the feel to hide as every step I take, every look, felt like I am being judged for even existing. I am at a rock bottom that, I literally just want to hide under a rock.
It got me questioning a lot of things. Friends, relatives, acquaintances. What even are those? When you don’t have money to spare even for a cup of coffee? At the end of the day, if you do not have an equal amount of money to your name, you’re nothing.
You’re nothing but a speck of dust in this nonsense universe. It makes me ask nowadays,
“What am I even here for?”
Now of course, I am still grateful for the present. I still got a roof over my head (though it does need fixing due to the recent typhoon we just had), a sack of rice for us to eat (that I am yet to pay come payday), water for us to drink (still something I need to pay), my children still able to go to school (that at least I have already paid for the year, thank God), still able to use the internet for the writing I needed to do (though again, I need to make sure it’s still working by the next month).
All in all, still surviving. Only, is that it? Are we only meant to survive? For what exactly?
Yeah, questions needing answers but still never does get concluded.
Life.
I am at a rock bottom. But like a rocketeer, I delude myself into thinking, I can do this. No way but up they say, right? So yeah…
Let’s fly…up, up, here we go…go.
