Imposter Syndrome
The struggle of any writer is wondering if what we are writing is really good or if it really is ours. Looking back at older works, both published and not, there has always been a nagging at my mind (I use at purposefully), was this really my idea?
There is an old saying “nothing new under the sun” which doesn’t exactly allay the fears that imposter syndrome gives. Even when composing this, I have had the feeling that I am not worthy of the station I have achieved. Something that I feel that every writer has at some point or another, is the feeling of adequacy that eludes our conscious mind. It also doesn’t help that following this comes an episode of depression and anxiety that have been my constant companions.
What do you do about imposter syndrome, do we treat it like writers block? Should we look for a grand inspiration from the well of creativity (in my case coffee and YouTube videos of folklore)? I honestly don’t have an answer, or a witticism, or really anything for this and that is an acceptable answer. Forcing creativity and attempting to make the ‘thing’ happen, won’t. Like trying to light a match in a hurricane while underwater, when you can’t create, you just can’t. This is also why I probably have a hundred drafts of stories that I never finished.
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As I don’t have an answer to this problem, I do have the words to explain the struggle and hopefully commiserate with others over the creative allentando. In a day and age where there needs to be a constant stream of thought and content, the pace in which we must produce, or more accurately impose upon ourselves, is quite unrealistic. At least, in the form of quality over quantity. I feel this is why that writers, actors, composers, even some politicians, take a hiatus. Being a Graduate Student, I don’t believe that is a possibility.
So what does that have to do with Imposter Syndrome, well, it happens to be a symptom of a greater cause of modernity, of the ease of technology and the ever present need for new ideas. We spend so much time to find the newest, boldest, most original idea, that we forget creativity is a slow walk and stroll through inspiration. It was never supposed to be a sprint.
In the process of writing this, I realized that the best means of overcoming this may just be to handwrite things out. Like a governor on an engine, handwriting forces you to slow down and really think about the writing, which is much like a leisurely saunter through the creative section of the mind. Even the best songs, poetry and angry letters have been hand written, albeit on napkins, tables, and vellum. Though I believe that I will stay with pen and paper, less mess and liability that way. In any event, I hope the cure may not be worse.
Rest in Peace Dolly and Tim.
