#13DaysOfReflection — Day 5
5. “BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU CHOOSE: YOU MAY GET IT.”
I always wanted to build solutions to the world’s most pressing challenges — solutions that usually would be technologically driven ones and ways to better and more equitably connect people to one another — or at least that’s how I was thinking in my 20s. But I also wanted to create art — music — in the way that I could see it. That was a dream ever since I could see/hear music. Since before I could remember, there was always this blurred line between art and code for me. But I could do both, right? I definitely was going to do both because Bruce Wayne was real and not a fake comic book character, and he definitely was able to be a normal person and Batman at the same time. 🙄 Near the time I started my first company, I decided to moonlight as a music producer — the person who creates the full audio experience you hear when you listen to a song — and audio engineer — the person who records the artist/musicians and makes sure the takes are butter. Seriously, this happened…I would spend the hours of 5 pm — 9 am in the studio most weekdays and then nearly all of the hours in the day on Saturday and Sunday — when I wasn’t traveling via Fung Wah Bus — which would usually set me back a cool $15 one way to New York and $11 one way back to Philly. Other than the mad rush to be first to board — there wasn’t assigned or guaranteed seating, but at least you knew another was leaving within the hour — I thought it was a very economical and efficient way to get from city to city. The time on the bus also allowed me to create music in my head, transpose the notes on a notepad, identify needed mix fixes on constant playbacks, or jot down notes on who I wanted to meet or how I wanted to approach big/small meetings — pure efficiency coupled with creativity. I was in a state of bliss and creativity — one of the most creative spaces I’ve ever been in my life if I’m honest about it.
But what I didn’t know at the time was that the human body wasn’t meant to stay awake for days on end, nor was it architected to eat like a child left to their own meal choice devices. Mini naps on the bus, and Doritos had my body saying WTF!!!! Toddler… But you couldn’t tell me that I wasn’t going to achieve this dream of being the greatest producer in the world AND keep a full-time day job. I eventually found my way to managing/working out of 4 studios between Philly, NJ, Manhattan, and Brooklyn [[shoutout to the A and L train!]] — my most coveted space was Quad studios, the holy grail of legacy multimillion-dollar studios in the heart of Times Square [[yea, this was definitely the studio Tupac was shot in]]. Also, if I’m honest, I just wanted to find a way to meet J. Cole because I made this fire beat for him, and it would be legendary. This is before most people even knew who he was — I remember discovering him on this mixtape called The Come Up with a bunch of annoying drops from DJ On Point — I think that’s his name. And of course, I found my way to the exact studio where J. Cole would finish his debut album — or so we thought…it actually became the mixtape called Friday Night Lights. There’s this whole thing I can get into about that moment…it worked out like a movie. In reality, there was no way that I would have known it would happen that way. What’s really interesting is this would be one of the first times I realized the power of speaking and willing what I desired into existence — Matrix level shit. Anyway, I digress — the J. Cole story will be told in full another day — I wasn’t paying attention to how I was treating my body and mind. The human body isn’t meant to deal with a nonstop sprint.
Get Robert Gordon IV’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
As soon as Monday morning hit, I’d jump on a bus and go straight to the office, many times brushing my teeth or washing up in public bathrooms — either at the bus station (yeah, you already know that it was gross) or at a shitty fast food place. I’d change from my fly studio drip to a button-up and slacks — I’d also have my shoes at my desk at work so I wouldn’t have to worry about traveling with them. Efficiency! And there I would be at my 9 to 5 — exhausted and malnourished. Granted, I felt like superman…I mean Batman [[Bruce Wayne, right?]] because I was in my 20s, and I was invincible! Rawr! Smh.
So yeah, this one morning I was headed to work on SEPTA [[Philadelphia’s subway]] coming from my Philadelphia recording studio [[shoutout to DJ Thommy Live]] with my headphones on, listening to a mix from that morning — I can’t remember if I even ate in that last 24 hours — and I started to sweat profusely…like not flop sweat, but full-on raindrops [[no droptops — shout out to the Migos fans]] coming from my head. My heart started to pump, HARD. My vision got blurry. Uh oh… “Just get to my stop…if I make it to work, I can sit down, and everything will be fine”…it wouldn’t. I literally stumbled off the train, stumbled through the Walnut-Locust Station…we all know where this is going. So fast fwd 30 minutes — I’m in the back of an ambulance racing to the hospital. First thought: heart attack. “You idiot, why’d you push yourself that hard?!” I’ll spare you all the rest of the details, but a long story shorter — not a heart attack — I know because I was attached to a shitload of machines and tested like a lab rat. It was definitely a panic attack — which would last nearly the next couple of years, transiently. When I say transient, I mean transient. If I was walking to the store — panic attack. If I was driving and the shadows hit weird — panic attack. About to step on stage to introduce a new product — panic attack. If I was headed into a board meeting — panic attack. Team meeting — panic attack. Boarding a plane? You guessed it — panic attack. WTF! There was so much stress that I had put myself through, my brain was in the perpetual loop of fight or flight. Awesome…
Over time, through meditation, working out, getting my eating habits in order, removing the craziness of living this incredible but kind of secret double life, aligning priorities, and being kind to myself, the panic attacks disappeared…like a flash lightning storm, it was there and gone — I wish it was that quick, but in the grand scheme of things it was. So why bring up tech? I realized that passions could drive you to the ground if you’re not careful with how you approach them. Over the last decade, I’ve been extremely intentional about self-care. I’ve also been intentional about what I do and when I do it. Gone are the days of my secretive double life. Now the days are filled with building and reaching into the future with the understanding that if I put my mind to it, it will probably happen. While I’m dissatisfied with a lot of the world — there’s a bunch of stuff to solve for — I’m satisfied with the clarity I have around where I’m spending my energy. And my choices are measured and guided by a unique set of rules and values to keep me healthy and at my best. I can’t be a great team member and collaborator, and partner if I’m not constantly focused on being at my best. With that intentionality, I’m conscientious about what I choose nowadays because I just may get it!
