Matrimony Apps: The ‘Aukaat’ (Status) Police
At the very outset, I would like to say that the views expressed in this article are strictly based on personal experiences and observations. Hence, some readers might find it relatable, while others may not. This article is not intended to defame the matrimony industry or any matrimony app in particular. It is merely an expression of my opinion, which I believe anyone can have in a free country.
I was reluctantly pushed into the world of matrimony apps a few years ago upon my mother’s tenacious insistence. The journey has been rocky but interesting as it taught me a great deal about myself and our society.
I’m sure whoever came up with the idea of making a digital matrimonial platform (if I’m not wrong, one of the earliest from India could be Shaadi.com) must have had the best of intentions like bringing people together, fostering relationships, and contributing positively to solidify the foundation of society — families. I’m sure some of these apps have contributed to this end to some extent. However, from what I’ve seen, most of these apps have been more successful in becoming the ‘Aukaat’ police more than anything else.
Why do I call them the ‘Aukaat’(Hindi for ‘status’, ‘worth’, or ‘means’) police? Well, because what these apps most effectively do are give users the following impressions:
1. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
2. But most of them are not for you.
3. Why? Because ‘woh sab teri aukaat ki bahaar hai’ (translation: they’re out of your league).
4. Beggars can’t be choosers. Even if you’re a paying customer.
Here’s the rough math — if there are 100 profiles out there, chances are you’re probably ‘good enough’ for only 3 or 4 of those, unless you belong to one of the following categories (of course, there are other ‘best-selling’ categories, but these are the top three that come to mind):
(i) NRI (Non-resident Indian)
(ii) Doctor
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(iii) Government employee.
Now here’s the clincher: a sizeable chunk of the Indian middle class pay good money to feel bad about themselves. Imagine paying substantial sums of money just to feel inadequate! Does it sound counterintuitive or maybe even toxic? Food for thought.
I’ve nothing against people who have absolute clarity about what they want in a life partner. But does life really work that way? In my limited years of existence, it seems more prevalent that people don’t always get everything they want, for better or worse. Call me cynical, but did any of us actually ‘want’ a COVID-19 pandemic to happen?
Apart from the obvious objective of finding a life partner and starting a family, the reason an industry like this came into existence could also stem from the insatiable and inevitable human craving for validation. Not that I have ever experimented with methamphetamine, but from whatever little I’ve read and heard of it, the highs and lows of our quest for validation bear an odd similarity to the high and crash of good old meth. The high delivers an intense rush of euphoria and the crash can be devastating and profoundly depressing.
Unfortunately, matrimony apps are perhaps the least likely avenues for seeking validation or positive affirmations. It’s largely a cut throat world rife with judgement and rejection. Instead of opening up possibilities to new relationships, it has actually reinforced old prejudices. The whole concept of setting filters and matching preferences usually does more harm than good. What if a person who is a few centimeters shorter than your preferred height of 180 centimeters is a really good human being? What if a person who does not belong to the exact denomination of your faith could be a very compatible life partner? What if a person who is few years older than your set age filter has many other invaluable attributes? If you’re a paid member, you can try communicating your worth to them and wish for the best. Good luck with that! Because the moment they hang up and take another look at your template and algorithm curated profile, all those efforts would probably come undone. Writing the most meaningful verses or drawing the most beautiful pictures on the seashore is a fool’s errand, as they will inevitably be washed away by the unrelenting waves of the sea. Similarly, eligible candidates can get washed away by the unrelenting waves of prejudices stoked by these apps.
I’m not saying it is impossible to find a life partner with these apps. What I have observed over the years is that the quality of marriages that have materialized through these apps is steadily declining. Why? Probably because most of them are built on foundations that are only superficially attractive. And most of these flimsy foundations are based on the metrics of an app and pretenses rather than genuine compatibility between individuals. In other words, these apps encourage people to put up appearances that often do not reflect their true selves. Appearances that are meant to impress, not express. While these pretenses might successfully help people make it to the wedding day, they could also fuel disappointment and resentment when reality sets in later.
What is concerning is that the ‘Aukaat’ police tend to encourage the development of improved deception skills rather than promoting the transparency vital for ascertaining genuine compatibility. While a profile sporting a ‘verified’ tag may suggest authenticity, it isn’t a guarantee that the profile is an accurate representation of the person and their background. In my previous article, I had stated that sometimes, numbers will tell you only half the story. Similarly, metrics may not be a good indicator of the actual personality of individuals and how compatible they could be with one another.
I hope the following would be the biggest takeaways for those who are reading this article:
1. There’s absolutely no need to be disheartened if an app indicates that you’re not ‘marriage material’. Not everyone can orchestrate their lives to become perfectly marriageable individuals. Follow your heart first, instead of killing yourself trying to win others’ hearts.
2. Love, trust, and mutual respect should be the foundation of marriage, not an app generated report card. Marrying for the sake of practicality is more often than not a recipe for disaster.
3. Never sacrifice your self-worth on the altars of ignorance or prejudice.
4. Technology should be used to build connections instead of promoting discrimination.
Sure, one could argue that an app is, after all, a tool, and the outcomes produced from using any tool ultimately depend on the intent and manner in which it is used. However, in the case of matrimony apps, the flawed design is quite obvious and one of the main reasons behind the same is the flawed perception of what society expects from the institution of marriage.
Which brings me to the elephant in the room — casteism. Even in this digital age, caste continues to be the major deciding factor for an arranged marriage to materialize. Even though it is something that has deep ties with the negative social and psychological impacts of these apps, I’m not going down the rabbit hole of writing about it. Why? Because most of us are well aware of the evils of discrimination. Yet, it still lurks amongst us, alive and well. Only time will tell whether it will ever be addressed.
