On play
Play is increasingly recognized as essential to human development, especially in the early years. Play is defined (by some) as an activity that is freely chosen, intrinsically motivated, and often done for its own sake rather than for a specific outcome. Others define it as an activity engaged in for enjoyment or recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose. To me play isn’t something about the activity itself but the freedom and mindset that you bring to it. When I worked as a software developer, I treated it as play. I did it for its own sake, because I found it enjoyable and not for its extrinsic rewards or external effects — salary, recognition, utility to the world.
My way of defining play — as something done freely but not necessarily frivolously — lets me look at children’s play as something important to them. And just like entering play is a voluntary act, I believe leaving play should also be chosen freely. And so should the themes of play and the techniques used. Such freedom can of course conflict with the freedoms of other people — such as the person you want to play with, or the shared resources you use in your play. It can also conflict with the responsibilities of others — such as your caregiver’s responsibility to keep you fed, ensure you get enough sleep, and ensure your physical and emotional safety, or to provide a community beyond home for your social development. How can such conflict be resolved while respecting the child’s autonomy and without diminishing the significance of their play?
I believe the answer lies in three key ingredients of any healthy relationship — empathy, respect and trust.
Empathy for a child at play can be felt by anyone who has had something they really cared about — a person, other object or event. Think of how satisfying it was to engage with that entity or activity. Remember how focused you were on ensuring you did right by them. And the crushing loss you felt at your temporary or permanent separation from them — the end of a book, a project at work, a terminated relationship. Now keep these memories in mind the next time you ask a child to end their play in order to comply with rules set by others or to satisfy someone else’s needs. Then, you can at least understand the state of mind that your request (or order) is likely to put them in.
Empathy can also help you tolerate and accept the unconventional forms of play that some children engage in. Once you begin viewing play as an abstract, formless concept of free engagement that is intrinsically motivated, you do not have to feel a child’s motivation for a particular entity or activity to know they are engaged in something important to them. You simply need to remember your own engagement, in whatever way, with whatever was important to you.
Get Apsalar’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
Respect means acknowledging the feelings, choices and boundaries of others as valid and worthy of regard, even when they differ from our own. Respecting a child’s choice of play can be difficult for various reasons. Chief among these is a focus on ulterior motives that the play does not seem to immediately lead to (e.g., motor development, socialization, academic learning, communication). But remember, play is undertaken for its own sake. There needs be no justification for it in terms of exterior motives, especially those of others. Other reasons include natural variations in the things that interest different humans (child vs. caregiver) and variations in how different humans naturally engage with their interests (learning styles). These barriers to respect can be especially hard to overcome when the motives, interests and learning styles of the child differ significantly not just from their caregivers but also from their peers. But caregiving without respect for the child can deprive the child of the autonomy that drives free play.
What of trust? What role does it play in ensuring that children’s autonomy in play is respected while their freedoms don’t infringe on the freedoms and responsibilities of others? You could start by trusting that children want to play. Like I said earlier, it’s an intrinsically motivating activity. And when someone is motivated to do something, they’re usually open to putting some effort into make it happen. This might mean that the child is willing to follow rules about respecting the freedoms of others in the community to secure their own opportunity to play. Next, trust that children have a natural desire to belong to a community that shows them empathy and respect. This motivation makes them want to cooperate with reasonable rules that enable communal participation.
Trust also in a child’s ability to empathize with your needs as a caregiver. Openly communicate with your child regarding your responsibilities towards the child and the community and involve them in resolving conflicts between their needs and yours.
Trust in human development and growth — both in childhood and later. Both the child and the caregiver will improve over time in communicating with and understanding each other. And finally, trust in uncertainty. There are no certain rules regarding play or social engagement. Rules are efficient ways to resolve conflict, but they are malleable and can change to reflect changes in forbearance and tolerance among members of a community.
What does all this look like in practice? Primarily, let children guide their own play. If their play concerns you, first reflect on your emotions and reasons for concern within yourself. If they relate to exterior motives for play, tell yourself that a focus on these motives will destroy the essence of play. If concerns relate to an infringement on your own freedoms or responsibilities, prioritize these and consider which ones you’d be willing to rate lower than the child’s autonomy. Then earnestly communicate the rest to the child so they have a sense of the reality of the world they inhabit, its affordances and constraints. Then let them choose freely within those constraints. But always be willing to reevaluate your priorities if they significantly impinge on the autonomy of the child.
When conflicts are external to yourself — such as between a child and their peers — don’t rush in to adjudicate. Stand back and reflect (do try to catch the hard toy flying through the air if you can before it hits someone though!). If conflicts don’t resolve by themselves or if you think they were resolved unfairly and feel the need to step in, do so with the consent of the child, when they’re ready. Trust that they’ll be ready in time. When they are, take the time to reflect with them on what happened. Present your perspective, after giving them a chance to present theirs. Know that not all conflicts have ready solutions (human adults have several unresolved conflicts in their own lives). Let them play while they take the time to process the complexities of life.
Finally, do some playing yourself, lest you fail to remember what it meant to you as a child.
