Still Figuring It Out
It has been a while since I started writing Medium posts. Even though I am a corporate employee working in the IT sector, most of my posts are about life, self-confidence, and the workplace.
The truth is, I am not particularly good at what I do. Somehow, I am surviving.
You may ask, “Then what are you good at?”
Honestly, there is nothing that I feel I am exceptionally good at. I need an extreme amount of practice for almost everything I do. There are also a few things I know I may never be good at.
This generation seems to have its own checklist of things you are supposed to be good at or enjoy.
Photography. Being aesthetic. Having a great sense of style. Hanging out with lots of friends. Making friends on social media. Going to the gym. Travelling, especially to different countries. Going to parties. Singing and dancing as a way to relax and have fun.
Unfortunately, I haven’t really done any of those things.
And it doesn’t end there.
I have had opportunities to tick a few things off that list, but I didn’t choose to. I am very self-conscious and underconfident. Some things are simply out of my scope, while others are things I don’t do because I feel I am extremely bad at them.
Every day feels like a war.
Because when you are not good at something, it sometimes feels like people start seeing you as a burden.
One of the things that keeps me going is the fact that I somehow manage to go to work and earn money. At the same time, I want to switch companies. I want to meet new people. I want a fresh environment.
But for now, I am just here.
I am preparing my resume, uploading it, applying to jobs, and persistently receiving rejection emails. I think I have already hit a century when it comes to job applications.
But the result?
Nothing.
And then there is the injustice I experienced in my workplace. That probably needs a separate blog.
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The trauma from my personal life? Sometimes I feel like that needs an entire documentary.
I genuinely don’t know how to control my emotions when I am around my team — who, at this point, don’t really feel like my teammates anymore.
I feel so left out when I am around them.
They probably think I don’t laugh at their jokes or that I don’t want to be part of their conversations. But somehow, whenever something worse has to happen, it feels like it happens to me. There are nine people in the team, and I somehow end up feeling like the odd one out.
I grew up mostly alone and had very few friends. I don’t know if that is part of the reason why I struggle when I am around a lot of people.
Some teammates are also very partial. They speak nicely to others, but barely speak to me. And then they assume that I am rude or unfriendly.
What they don’t see is that some of the same people were extremely cunning toward me in the past.
There are also times when I speak and people simply don’t listen.
This happened to me in college too.
Sometimes I feel like I am not even visible to people.
Maybe that is one of the hardest feelings — not being hated, not even being disliked, but simply feeling invisible.
I know this is all part of everyday learning. I am trying to understand myself better. I am trying to control my emotions. I am trying to become more comfortable around people.
But it is difficult when you constantly compare yourself with others.
Someone who joined after me can mingle with everyone so easily.
Meanwhile, I am still stuck.
I don’t know when I will get better at all of this.
I don’t know when I will stop feeling like I don’t belong.
But maybe surviving is also a form of progress.
Maybe not being good at everything doesn’t mean I am good at nothing.
Maybe I am still figuring it out.
