…and all things nice.
“So, how can you tell me, you are lonely?
And just say for you that the sun don’t shine?
Let me take you by the hand and lead you through the streets of London,
I’ll show you something to make you change your mind.”
The most wonderful thing about Life is, it is never quite over. Even when you are so sunk in despair, that when you shut your eyes you feel like you are drowning at a painfully slow speed. You can literally feel panic spreading over your body as every last bit of oxygen is drawn out by the water. You watch yourself die, quietly giving in. And then, you wake up on a sunny beach, surrounded by albatrosses, seagulls and crabs around you. Life is not over. At least, not yet.
“Why me?” you often throw this question at me. I see bewilderment brimming your beautiful eyes. Honestly, I don’t know. For all that it is worth, I should be scared out of living daylight to even be near you, let alone be your friend. Or friend enough to be in love with you. Sweetheart, it is because you have taught me how to come to terms with myself. To come to terms with the fact that just because I chose an easy way out earlier, when I decided to quit, it was not wrong. You have taught me that to be truly in love with someone, I need to first love me. It is because of you that I loved my sagging breasts and large front teeth. It is for you that I came to terms with my clumsiness, my unladylike postures. It was when I created my own space where I was enough, was when I understood your need for it. In that moment, I was infinite. In that space, I was the only one I needed. And when I stopped needing you, I truly began to want you. Calmly, with patience. With every precaution in place. Taking the first small steps that gradually broke into a run. Soon, I was flying towards the sun.
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I have had my share of “meeting new people.” The adrenaline rush. The blushes and the smiles. The drunken sex. Everything said and done, somewhere I have always felt that I am meeting the same person over and over again. Everyone is at a “bad place in their lives right now.” Nobody is looking for anything long term, but if you want to netflix and chill, you are more than welcome. I have always dismissed these as idiots. Always, until very recently, when I realized I was one of them. The problem is not the people. The problem is neoliberal capitalism telling us, that we can have everything easy. Delivered on the doorstep.
And while it was acceptable till it was limited to cabs and food, our world went haywire the moment we tried to package love in the same way.
Love does not come easy. Love is not sex. Love is when you burn yourself because you cannot watch the grief ripping me apart. Love is when you stay awake for nights, taking care of me while I moan away in feverish pain. It is when you come and pick a violated body off the streets. It is when you know that it will probably destroy me if you cannot stand by us this time. It does not come packed in a colourful wrap.
It does not come when you want it to, it comes when you have worked at it. Worked at it enough to know that one does not always need to love you back the way you love them. Of course it is nice if they do, but sometimes it suffices if they are just on your side.
You have taught me that I cannot want everything right now. I cannot want everything the way I want them to be. Sometimes, they require effort. Sometimes, this effort will have an outcome that you want. Sometimes, not. But, it is always going to be fruitful. Patience, my friend, is a virtue.
I promise to stand by you, in your mess-ups and your successes, no matter what our equation turns out to be. I only want you to know that I appreciate everything that you have done, everything that you are doing. I believe in you, now, ten years hence and probably will, all my life. You are my home team, above anything else.
Yours, unexpectedly!
