GUILTY????
Sometime last year, some challenges kept cropping up in my personal life. I must say the kind that I hadn’t encountered before. Anyway, challenges are part of life and can only drive me nuts when I am failing to handle them. So, at that particular point in life that is what my life looked like.
After an argument with someone that had put me through so much suffering for months, I stormed away and walked from Kampala till Kitintale to blow off the steam. While in Kitintale, I did something that I could call uncool and this was out of anger, frustration and desperation. Now, I know you are wondering. What did she do? Don’t ask me what it was because I will not tell.(hahahahahaha!!!)
After that moment, I felt so bad and hated myself. I was like “No Samalie this is not okay, this is so wrong and unfair. You have betrayed someone!” This kept ringing in my mind for a long time and made me lose a lot of sleep. I was burning with shame, guilt and disgust at the same time. I felt worthless.
Of course, I prayed about it and asked God to forgive me and I know He did. I tried meditation and isolation which took the guilt away for sometime and yes I got my peace back but for a while. My heart was heavy again. Guess what? After a year and a half after that day. For a number of weeks, I was back in the bad place I had struggled to get out of.
Luckily enough for me unlike some of you, the burden of guilt never jeopardized my academics neither work life. Most importantly to myself, the academics. That is one of the things I thank the Almighty for. Actually for both semesters of my second year at campus, it was God’s mercy but that will be talk for another day.
After having struggled for days, I finally had to open up to someone. I had to bust a nut otherwise I was dying each passing day. It was a horrible nightmare. My mind was so occupied. I eventually decided to call someone I trusted and could confide in about this matter and I felt a little bit better. With a security that they were never going to tell anyone which I trust up to this day.
From that day, I moved on but still acknowledging that it was wrong. I decided to set up strict boundaries so that I could never put myself in such a situation again and to handle frustration and anger in a proper and safer way for myself.
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I write this today because recently a friend of mine shared a couple of audios and one of them was about putting away guilt in life. In this audio, the speaker kept emphasizing that people move through life timid and scared because of what happened in “1992”!Implying that someone is out there moving around with a heavy heart dwelling on their past which is draining and counteractive. He continued to emphasize that doing wrong is bad although human. No one is perfect and we cannot do the right thing all the time.
They say that those who feel guilty are good people but don’t sink for so long because it will undo nothing. Guilt makes some people relate every bad thing that happens to them with the wrong they did twenty years back. Sometime back, a celebrated artist gave birth to a bouncing baby who unfortunately was autistic. On one of her instagram lives, she informed the people that she had an autistic child as a punishment from God for having aborted a child when she was younger. But when you closely look at life, not all women who have aborted have autistic children and not all autistic children born were as a result of their mothers aborting earlier on. So, this was a misconception,
Guilt makes people get sweaty and shaky all the time. People get insomnia and have a couple of sleepless nights. It clouds thinking and judgement as your mind is occupied with all these unhealthy thoughts about yourself and how “karma” is on its way. Some people get suicidal thoughts as they feel like they have been this bad and are a threat to human life and undeserving to be alive. Others actually kill themselves. Terrible, terrible!
The best thing to do as we move through life is to live trying to do the best to ourselves and to others. Believe me you cannot do well all the time which is okay but what happens when things go wrong. Turn to God, repent, dust yourself, stand up and bounce back to do better for life.
Now, I know that some of you will say let me do it after all God will forgive me which is a bad mentality because that is taking God for granted and finding an excuse of not doing right. Believe me, there will be consequences for that. God neither life goes away manipulated. So, change that.
Now, sometimes we can confide in the wrong people. After them swearing to provide the security of confidentiality they betray us by sharing with other people our secrets. Before you know it, someone else knows who will still share with someone else. Others bring it up in an argument especially during the ugly phases of friendships and relationships.
Another bad tendency among people is when someone becomes a “somebody” in life. The jealous ones who will want to pull them down will start bringing back the past of these individuals to taint whatever they have worked for which is a sign of weakness. If someone ever does that, just know you have won. They lack the competence to show off what they got since they have nothing at all. So, this shouldn’t shake you. Instead pray to God and stand up for yourself appropriately. Don’t forget that your past doesn’t define you.
Dear reader, please forgive yourself. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you are choosing to be comfortable with hurting others. No, it means that you are acknowledging the wrong you did but deciding to put it aside and do better. So, please put that aside and move on. Learn to let go.
