Four Years Later, I Finally Put My Pen Down…
There Was Nothing Left to Write
I want to tell you about a moment.
It is the last question of my last exam paper of my last semester of my four year undergraduate degree. The course is MAC 404, a 3 unit course, and I am sitting there with my pen hovering over the page about to write the final word of my university career and I just... stop.
I hesitate. I make myself fully present in that moment the way you make yourself fully present in moments you know you will want to remember for the rest of your life. And then I write the word - Audience. Then I dropped my pen.
And just like that, Kenny was done with university 🎓
Let me be dramatic about this for a second because I have earned it guys. As Xenk Yander once said — T's no easy feat to do that which has not been done before. And yes, I know millions of people graduate every year. I know I am not the first and I will not be the last. But I am going to let myself revel in this one because Kenny did that. I did this. And nobody can take the specific texture of this specific victory away from me.
This final semester I registered for 10 courses. Ten. Whenever I told anyone that, their first response without fail was "sorry."😭 Because they understood immediately what that meant. My friends in other departments were doing a maximum of six courses. My twin sister was done with her final exams a full week before me. My other friend finished two weeks before me. They had the audacity to spend that entire period telling me I could not relate to the graduate lifestyle yet, lol😹
Well guess what? I can relate now🤭
And it is true by the way. You actually do breathe differently after your last university paper. As I stepped out of that hall, I walked straight to the mosque. A series of Alhamdulilllahs that I meant in my entire body because God really did this one for me. I felt weird and happy and relieved and excited and exhausted all at the same time — like all the accumulated tiredness of four years had been waiting politely in a queue and the moment I dropped that pen they all rushed in at once.
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I got home and I felt it. All of it. Every late night, every printed and reprinted research document, every group project, every deadline, every moment of wanting to quit and choosing not to. It all landed at the same time. The best part of all this is deleting all these damn PDFs and getting the hell out of these endless sub-groups.
I look homeless right now if I am being completely honest 😭 Final year has had me in such a chokehold that I stopped putting thought into my outfits. I formatted my phone to make room for PDF files for the 10 courses. I uninstalled Snapchat. My LinkedIn has been abandoned. My Facebook and Instagram — accounts I spent five years carefully building from scratch — got suspended. I appealed twice, got rejected and I eventually just let them, I literally uninstalled the two apps. Kenny a year ago would never do that. Her socials were basically her life, she would have fought for those accounts with everything she had because she knew what went into building them.
But Kenny right now is so exhausted that she genuinely could not care less. Final year turned me into a monk and I have no idea how to feel about that.
But here is what final year also did.
Two months ago I received two certificates — one for teaching graphic design and one for teaching branding to a full classroom of people. A month ago I received an award for being one of the 50 most reputable students in my faculty. So it was not all suffering. It was suffering with small small commendations 🙂
Here is a recap of my four years in school.
I entered uni as a timid, shy, very young girl, I was a full serve in 100 level. Four years of school later and life happened to me in Indescribable ways.
I got to know about graphic design through an amazing friend. I learnt said graphic design. I met amazing individuals that I am lucky to call my friends now. I learnt Korean, I abandoned it halfway to focus on my graphic design skills. I learnt brand identity design. I learnt video editing. I volunteered to design for my university's student union team. I designed for group projects that required graphic design, such projects are inevitable if you are studying mass communication. I did an internship at a TV station for six months. I learnt advanced audio and video editing. I had two carryovers, I retook the courses and passed them. I missed tests. I missed classes. I slacked. I got serious. I volunteered to design for my department. And I took everything one day at a time so consistently that I did not realise how fast four years had passed me by. Now I am leaving uni as an aware adult, with amazing communication skills, zero shame, a very confident version of myself, and as one of the best graphic and brand identity designers I know. Alhamdulillah once again.
Everything happened in slow motion and time, being a very funny thing, made it very hard to grasp each moment as it came. I am actually glad I took lots of pictures. I enjoyed the time with strangers that I now call my friends. I was able to learn and hone my skills.
So even though I quit learning Korean, I found something else I’m now really good at.
Even though I had carryovers, I retook and passed them.
Even though I missed tests, I showed up for the makeup and passed.
Final year isolated me, aged me, and stressed me out with my project and endless printing and expenses 😭
Even though I feel like I didn’t do enough in school, I currently have 6 honorary certificates and 1 award I collected from the student union level, the faculty level down to the departmental level for my services🔥
But I still kept my pride, my faith, and my head up.
Today I submitted my last paper. After 71 exams, 71 tests, endless group works, 1,300+ days of going to school, days of crying over carryovers, of designing at midnight, of printing and reprinting, of showing up when showing up felt impossible —Alhamdulillah.
Kenny did it 🥂🖤
