Part One: Moonlight On Snow
Where to even begin?
I often start with moonlight on snow.
It might sound like something simple and mundane. A common occurrence in nature. The full moon's light, setting a snowy landscape ablaze in silver.
However this was no ordinary winter's night for me. It was 1988, and I was transfixed to the window of my parents' Ford Econoline van, driving though the Grapevine Pass. On long car rides I usually stayed glued to a book, with the back light of the van on. This night was different. I had put the book down, and was strongly drawn to the scenery outside.
Looking out the window to see all that snow reflecting all that light. It triggered something deep, feelings that I didn't understand, but it was raw and powerful.
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The Pull.
As a young girl, "blossoming" early, I was told I would be feeling new feelings, but I didn't think it would be like what I felt.
As moonlight reflected off the mountain snow, I felt a deep pull. I don't know how else to describe the feeling, other then a pull. I felt a kind of feeling like this, pulling toward nature throughout my childhood previously, but this time it was a bit different. Like there was a body inside my body, wanting to spring out. It wanted to be out in that snow. This "other body" would have thick fur to protect against the cold, and a keen nose to guide her.
This didn't feel like the imagination or pretend of childhood. This was something different.
And then, there was a brief moment where I saw my own reflection on the window. It wasn't the reflection I was used to, however. The vision was probably only for a split second, but it felt longer. I still recognized it as me, but...a lupine me.
The me I sometimes had dreams about being, but I brushed them off as "just meaningless dreams." This time that me felt just as real as the human me.
Even when we drove past this area, and back home, these feelings lingered and persisted. I was afraid to talk about it to anyone, but felt I had to do something about it. I had felt the "call of the wild" in the very depths of my being.
My changes though were only just beginning.
