I Am Trump’s Word-Salad Translator.
All right, y’all. Let’s get moving here. I thought it was actually going to take longer to arrive at enough material for a first post on this blog…and then THIS happened.
So you remember that genius bit Key & Peele had, where Obama was provided with a badly-needed Anger Translator? Voldetrump doesn’t really require one of those. He’s pretty good with the incoherent outrage on his own. Where he does need help is in making actual sense out of his unique, circular-breathing style of supervillain monologue.
You’re probably thinking, “well, that could possibly be because there is no actual sense to be made?” First of all, shame on you for having such a hidebound notion of logic and reality. You should have known, when you ordered up a post-industrial, postmodern, post-feminist, post-racial world, that post-truth and post-fact were going to get thrown in the box as a special extra thank-you to a special customer. You’re welcome.
Secondly, there is so sense to be made, even by your blinkered reckoning. You just have to stop expecting words to represent information or thought process, and remember that their only purpose is to define the reaction he wants you to give him…or else. And the laws underlying his wishes about your reaction are actually pretty damn simple as well.
So with that in mind, I’d like to pull some key bits out of the transcript of the…very long press conference that T. just held, and demonstrate how easily they can be rendered into perfectly sensible English.
T.: “We have to find out what’s going on because the press, honestly, is out of control.”
Translation: The press isn’t doing what I want it to do, which — since my wishes should be the ones that control it — makes it by definition “out of control.” You can expect my maneuvers to regain that rightful control shortly. In fact, I’m gonna test-drive some of my gentler methods right now.
—
T.: “Obamacare is a disaster, folks. It’s a disaster. You can say, oh, Obamacare. They fill up our alleys with people that you wonder how they get there, but they’re not the republican [sic] people that our representatives are representing.”
Translation: Democrats are no longer represented by their representatives, and so it logically follows that their opinions no longer count. That dispenses with all criticisms of the repeal. Moving on.
As a side note, I think whoever prepared the transcript was engaging in some pretty adorable wishful thinking, not capitalizing “republican.” Ah, youth.
—
T.: “[Flynn] is a man who there was a certain amount of information given to Vice President Pence, who’s with us today, and I was not happy with the way that information was given. He didn’t have to do that because what he did wasn’t wrong. What he did in terms of the information he saw. What was wrong was the way that other people, including yourselves, in this room, were given that information. Because that was classified information that was given illegally. That’s the real problem.”
Yeah, I know, that’s a pretty cat’s cradle of sentence diagrams. Grammarians might want to avert their eyes. But don’t get caught up in words. Remember, words are not conveying information or thought process. That’s not what words are for. Just breathe, relax, and see beyond the words.
Translation: The real problem is, he got caught. Stop catching us — problem solved.
—
T.: “I did not direct [Flynn], but I would have directed him because that’s his job. It came out that way, and, in all fairness, I watched Dr. Charles Krauthammer the other night say, he was doing his job. And I agreed with him.
Since then, I’ve watched many other people say that. You know, I didn’t direct him, but I would have directed him if he did not do it, okay? Jim?”
Translation: As someone with no knowledge of the issues it’s my job to make world-altering decisions about, naturally I get my opinions about it from the TV. Just as — as someone with no knowledge of the contents or even existence of a personal soul — I get my opinions about me from the TV as well. So I had no Presidential opinion on what was or wasn’t Flynn’s job until I saw the cable news on this controversy…after the situation was already in freefall and known to the American public. I am so at peace with this order of events that it doesn’t even occur to me to try to obscure it.
—
T.: “I watched this morning a couple of the networks, and I have to say, Fox and Friends in the morning, they are very honorable people — not because they are good — because they hit me when I do something wrong, but they have the most honest morning show. That’s all I can say.
It’s the most honest, but the tone, Jim, if you look, the hatred, the — I mean, sometimes — ”
Reporter: “We don’t hate you, sir.”
T.: “Well, you look at your show that goes on at 10 in the evening. You just take a look at the show. It’s a constant hit. The panel is almost always exclusive anti-Trump.”
Translation: Criticism is lack of love, and lack of love is hatred. I was clearly not loved enough as a child. But being elected President just as clearly means I won America — so now I get to collect on that debt from every person in my America. Even if it’s their job to hold me accountable.
—
T.: “How much longer should we stay here, folks? Five more minutes, is that okay? Five? Wait, who is, I want to find a friendly reporter. Are you a friendly reporter?”
Reporter: “I’m friendly.”
T.: “Watch how friendly he is. Go ahead.”
Reporter: (after explaining his and others’ concern as to whether T. has a plan to address the rise in anti-Semitic violence) “There have been reports out that 48 bomb threats have been made against Jewish centers all across the country in the last couple of weeks. There are people who are committing anti-Semitic acts or threatening to — ”
T.: “You know he’s said that he’s going to ask a very simple, easy question. And it’s not. It’s not a fair question. Sit down. I understand the rest of your question. So here’s the story, folks.
Number one, I’m the least anti-Semitic person you’ve seen in your entire life. Number two, racism, the least racist person. In fact, we can very well relative to other people running as a Republican — [inaudible]
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Quiet, quiet, he lied about getting up asking a straight, simple question, so, you know, welcome to the world of the media.”
Translation: No fair. You said you were friendly, and my friends only ask me easy questions! How dare you say you’re my friend and then ask me to tackle something hard like anti-Semitism right here on TV — you lying Jewish guy, you. I know I’m the leader of the free world now and all, but obviously the bar for being leader of the free world is not that high.
—
T.: “We have some of the best lawyers in the country working on [the new version of the travel ban], and the new executive order is being tailored to the decision we get down from the court. Okay?”
Reporter: “Reopening of the White House visitors office.”
T.: “Yes.”
Reporter: “She does a lot of great work for the country as well. Can you tell us about what personally Melania Trump does for the country and unique levels in the administration, so by opening the White House visitors office [inaudible]”
Trump: “Now, that’s what I call a nice question. That is very nice. Who are you with?”
Reporter: “[inaudible]”
Trump: “Good, I’m going to start watching. Thank you very much.”
Translation: See, that reporter before was a bad doggy. This is how you be a good doggy, and good doggies deserve treats. I don’t know why you people have so much trouble with this concept when even a dog gets it.
—
Reporter: “Mr. President — ”
T.: “Yes, I know this is going to be a bad question, but that’s okay.”
Reporter: “No it’s not going to be a bad question.”
T.: “Okay, good, because I enjoy watching you on television.”
Reporter: “Well, thank you so much.”
Translation: I just gave you a compliment. Obviously if you were to follow up my compliment with a hard question, like those bad doggies who are not my friends like to ask, that would be ungrateful. You don’t want to be an ungrateful bad doggy, do you?
—
This is with the same reporter the previous quote ended on.
Reporter: “When you say inner cities, are you gonna include the CBC, Mr. President, in the conversations with your urban agenda, your inner city agenda, as well as — ”
T.: “Am I gonna — am I gonna include who?”
DON’T YOU CRINGE yet, we’re not nearly done!
Reporter: “Are you gonna include the Congressional Black Caucus and — ”
T.: “Well, I would. I tell you what, you want to set up the meeting? Do you want to set up the meeting?”
Reporter: “No, no, no, I’m just a reporter.”
T.: “Are they friends of yours?”
Reporter: “I know some of them — ”
T.: “No, go ahead, set up the meeting. Let’s go. Set up a meeting, I would love to meet with the black caucus. I think it’s great, the Congressional Black Caucus, I think it’s great. I actually thought I had a meeting with Congressman Cummings, and he was all excited, and then he said, oh, I can’t move. It might be bad for me politically.”
It’s okay. Take all the time you need. Breathe. Take the time you need and then come back.
Translation: I had absolutely no idea who the Congressional Black Caucus are until a reporter at my White House press conference explained it to me — so how could I be expected to have included them already? Obviously I need a black person to introduce me to the blacks, and happily, there is a nice black person willing to explain things standing right here. She’ll set up a meeting with the blacks, and we will talk about urban black city things. Problem solved. Also, I’m very unhappy about having my private discussions leaked, but let me tell you a little story on TV about what Elijah Cummings privately said to me. I’m sure he won’t mind, because he wants my help with the black things.
—
See? It all makes perfect sense. ::rictus grin::
And on that note, I’ll just leave y’all with a little bon-bon sketch…
