Goodbye
This story is about the four days that changed my life forever.
…
DAY — FOUR: THURSDAY
9.30 pm
I had never thought I’d see Appa in this condition in the hospital, but the good news is, he is getting better; that’s what the doctor told Amma, and I trust him. I just can’t wait to eat avalakki with him. It’s our favourite dish, you know. Let me go to Amma and have dinner, I thought as I exited the ICU. Amma, Uncle, Aunty and I headed to the first-floor canteen to have dinner. It was around 9.30 pm, and we checked the menu to order. Nothing excited me. I thought I could skip dinner and passed the menu to Amma, next to me, without even looking at her.
She asked, “ What will you have?“
“Nothing”, I said, disinterested.
“What? Say that again,” said Amma with one eyebrow raising slightly higher than the other, and the imbalance in the eyebrows forced a word out of me, & I softly said,
“Rice-sambar”
“Good!” said Amma with a smile.
The food was served in minutes, and with our order, the cashier closed the food counter. We all had our food. Amma, Uncle and Aunty were discussing the injection and the medicine that was given to Appa yesterday and how it was helping him in his speedy recovery. I was silently hearing their conversation with my focus still on rice. We had our dinner and started heading towards the hospital exit when, out of nowhere, Amma received a call. It was the Doctor. Amma picked up the call.
“Hello, doctor“
(…indistinct reply on mobile…)
“Yes, I’m Mrs Gudi”
(…indistinct reply on mobile…)
“What??“ said Amma in disbelief.
She became quiet all of a sudden. The smile of exiting the hospital started fading. She didn’t even utter a word, and only the doctor spoke from the side of the cell phone. I stood close to her and tried to hear the doctor’s voice, but I couldn’t. A few minutes later, she placed her hand on my head and hugged me. Her eyes were filled with tears, and a tiny drop fell on my head. It was the first time I saw my mother cry.
…
Wait, let me start from the beginning.
…
DAY — ZERO: LAST SUNDAY
8 am
I was sitting in front of the TV, watching my favourite cartoon and having avalakki at the same time. Sunday mornings are a little tricky when it comes to watching TV. I’m lucky that Appa and Amma are a little busy; else I would have to watch a remix of News and Guruji’s horoscope, hoping both the shows would have an ad break at the same time so that I could take advantage of the moment and switch to cartoons, but today was an exception.
“I’ll be back soon”, said Appa, grabbing his car keys and rushing out of the main door.
“Wait, if not breakfast, have tea at least”, said Amma, turning off the stove.
“Bye, Appa!”, I said with my eyes fixed on the TV.
As I heard the car start, I kept my plate aside on the table and ran outside to say bye. I stood in front of the door and peeped outside only to see the car leaving. I still waved, though. It was a habit of mine — I always managed to see Appa while leaving.
I ran back to my plate and continued watching TV.
…
12:15 pm
It had been four hours since Appa left. Amma was watching some random recipe on the cooking show with utmost focus. I had no choice, so I joined her involuntarily. I tried to make sure that Amma notes down everything in her recipe book, from which she never cooks!
There was no sign of Appa yet. Amma had already cooked lunch and was waiting for him. I could hear her murmur -
“.. This guy didn’t even have tea & there is no sign of him.. What is he doing .. Let him come home, I’ll see..”.
Standing near the sofa with the TV remote in one hand, hitting the other hand at regular intervals, like a pendulum. I was following the remote. I kept my focus and took tiny steps towards Amma. My intentions were clear; I had to grab the remote. I tracked the remote, and the moment it moved slightly away from her hand, I stole it and changed the channel. The very next moment, I had a huge force from Amma’s other hand, almost equivalent to the hammer, hit me, and I dropped the remote on the ground.
“Go, do your homework!” said Amma, and I went to my room in disappointment.
…
4 pm
It was evening when I heard the car park. Amma went outside running.
“Where were you?? See, it’s so late. Can’t you have breakfast before leaving!! How long should we wait? And why is your phone switched off? Can’t you charge our phone at least? “ said Amma, followed by a sudden silence.
Appa looked weak. He entered and went straight to the dining table & asked:
“Can I have lunch?”
“Ah, now you remember food. Why, what happened to you in the morning? Wait, are you alright?” said Amma, as she tried to gather the plates.
Appa listened patiently while sitting at the table. I could hear them talking from my room.
Amma served rice-sambar at the centre of the plate along with mango pickle, chutney and papad. Appa took the first bite. Then a second bite. By the time he was about to take the third bite, everything came out of his mouth like a water fountain. Amma got scared. Appa cleaned himself. She placed her hand on Appa’s forehead. I could hardly figure out what was happening. I went near the dining table. Amma signalled me to go inside and started cooking something else. Something easy to digest, but Appa’s body wouldn’t take it either, and he vomited it out again.
He was constantly placing his hand on his chest, but was not saying anything. Amma suspected something was not right.
He told Amma that he was really tired and would feel better after some sleep. Appa placed a list of ingredients to be bought for the next day’s pooja in Amma’s hands and said,
“After some rest, we’ll go out to buy this”, he smiled with great effort and went to sleep.
…
8 pm
“Why do we get so much homework? I would rather play with Abhi & Rafe.” I thought while rotating my class 10th maths textbook with the pen in an anti-clockwise direction. Someone knocked on the door, and my attention shifted in a snap. It was Uncle.
I saw a perfect opportunity there. I walked slowly to the hall to welcome Uncle and escaped outside to play.
I ran to Abhi’s home. Then we gathered all our other friends and divided ourselves into two teams. Time really flies when we play cricket. I was the last batter on the team, and with my wicket, the match came to an end. Soon, I realised that I had to submit my homework by the next day.
I came back home in a hurry. To my surprise, an auto was waiting at the entrance with two people sitting inside.
“Come here, fast”, said Amma, who was sitting beside Appa.
“We are going to the hospital, Appa is not feeling well. We’ll be back in an hour. Eat dinner and complete your homework. Aunty will wait here, okay. Bye,” said Amma, clinging to Appa’s arm.
“Bye!” I said, waving at both of them. Appa looked at me and smiled. Auto left.
DAY — ONE: MONDAY
I had not completed my homework, but I requested extra time for submission.
I reached home in the afternoon. As I was heading to my room, I saw two diyas lit in the pooja room. Amma & Appa had not come back from the hospital, but there was a piece of paper on my study table, a message from Amma that read — “ …Everything is fine, Appa is undergoing treatment, and there is no need to worry…” I was further told “…not to waste any food & focus on studies.”
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I placed it on the table and went out to play cricket.
DAY — TWO: TUESDAY
I was back from school. Amma was waiting near the dining table to serve me food. She looked exhausted. It was hard to tell whether she had had enough sleep or not. It had been two days since I had even seen her properly. She travelled to and fro between home and the hospital. She would prepare food in the morning and leave for the hospital. Aunty had come home and would look after me.
Amma would be busy during the day, answering calls left and right. She would perform pooja before leaving & after coming back home. I hardly spoke to her.
DAY — THREE: WEDNESDAY
I had returned from an extra class in the evening. It was really hard for me to figure out what was actually happening. Why is no one around? Why is everyone suddenly coming to our home to check on us? Why is Amma always either in the hospital or on call with the doctor? What’s going on? Why is no one telling me anything?
It was around 9 pm. Amma had just arrived from the hospital. I turned off the TV and ran towards her.
“Ohh, so this is what you are busy doing, ah!” said Amma.
“No, I just completed my homework, and I was about to sleep, seriously!” I replied with my eyes wide and a little smile.
“Is it? I’ll see,” said Amma, entering the kitchen, and I figured that she was going towards my study table.
“I mean, the submission is next Monday!!” I said, slowly following her, but it was not helping. To divert her attention, I asked, “ How is Appa? Why isn’t he still home?”
Amma stopped. My trick had worked. I had successfully postponed the rest of my homework to the next day.
“Come here, I need to tell you something”, said Amma in a low but serious tone. We both sat at the dining table.
“See, you know your father is admitted to the hospital, right?
“Yes”
“Actually, he has been in the ICU since Sunday. The doctor said that he had a heart attack around 8 am, but by the time we admitted him to the hospital, it was already late”
“So, is he alright now??”
“He is on a ventilator”
“What??”
“But he is recovering. Though the doctor has told us that we can’t be sure of anything as of now!”
“Amma, he will come back home, right?
“I don’t know!” said Amma in a sad tone.
I passed her a glass of water.
DAY — FOUR: THURSDAY
It was just another day. I had classes as usual. Amma was in the hospital, and so was Appa.
I had just returned home from school and was watching TV. I heard the sound of a bike in the background. I knew it was Uncle. He had come home to visit and give an update about Appa’s current condition. Aunty served him hot tea and biscuits. They were discussing medicines, and I tried to figure out the details, pretending to be watching TV. It carried on for some time, but I couldn’t find out anything. I was just wondering about switching off the TV when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
Uncle said, “Come, let’s go to the hospital”
I joined him in no time. I wore the dress that Appa had gifted me on my birthday and joined Uncle.
It was a 20-minute ride to the hospital.
We entered through the big black gate, and Uncle took a right turn to park the bike in the parking area. It was around 9 pm. The moon was shining brighter than ever. From the parking area, I could see 3 big buildings, one next to another. I quickly jumped off the bike and started wondering where Appa would be admitted. Uncle turned off the bike, held my hand and started walking towards the first building from the left. “EMERGENCY 24X7” was written in capital letters. A white ambulance was parked next to it.
The security guard stopped us at the entrance and did a quick interrogation with Uncle. In the chatter between them, I couldn’t help but overhear “Kaveri Ward”. Maybe that’s the place to find Appa, I thought. Uncle took a couple of confusing left and right turns towards the stairs. I could barely remember the route. There were clusters of people standing and discussing after every few steps. A few were sobbing, a few were trying to console them, a few shouted angrily at their loved ones, a few stood in shock silently, while a few looked clueless, just like me.
We entered a building named Kaveri. I had already figured that out. There was an unevenly spaced queue at the reception, and it appeared as if people would enter the emergency ward at any moment. The security guard kept saying “Be quiet!” to the people sitting on the chairs next to the door of the emergency ward, and I saw Amma there.
Her face looked pale. Other people besides her were chattering like mosquitoes. Amma was sitting quietly. I went near her. She looked at me and kept her hand on my head and in a low tone said, “Appa is inside, go meet him”.
I nodded. Meanwhile, Uncle went to the reception and took a card which permitted one person to enter the emergency ward for 5 mins. He gave me the card and showed me the way.
The corridor was pin-drop silent. I walked around 10 steps straight and took a right turn to see a closed glass door. Next, it was an apron stand. I was instructed to wear the apron and enter the ward. I took the apron closest to me and put it on. The length of it almost went below my ankle. I pushed the door and entered the ward. Next to the door was the nurse’s table. She had a quick look at my card and pointed towards bed number 5. The ward had 10 beds, each covered with movable white curtains. The aroma of medicines filled the area. Cleanliness was at its peak. Nurses walked silently and carried a notebook in their hands. I kept walking till I found ward number 5. I moved my hand forward and pushed the curtain to have a glance at Appa for the first time in four days.
I was happy to see him. An automatic smile overtook my face. Surroundings blurred for a moment. It was just him and me.
I started wondering, What is he doing here when he has an important job of dropping me to school? I have an important cricket match coming up and need his moral support. In short, all I could say is Life was a little sad without his presence.
Soon, I was struggling to maintain a smile when I saw the big picture. I had a quick look around the room. I could literally hear my heart beat. Trust me, in my entire 15yrs I had never seen Appa like this. Forget about seeing, I had never imagined that I could see him in this condition. He was resting on the bed. Both his hands were resting on the bedside arm. The right arm wrist vein was injected, which was connected to the medicine bottle through a thin pipe on the top of the stand. His mouth was connected to the ventilator. The machine on the side of the bed had a screen with wave patterns. Random numbers kept displaying on the screen, which changed every second with an underlined beep sound. Appa was resting. I looked down for a moment, took a deep breath, fixed my fading smile and moved close to Appa till the distance was as close as one arm. I placed my hand on his. He woke up in an instant. It felt as if he was expecting me. His eyes were half open, with his head resting on the pillow.
“Appa, how are you?” I asked and waited for his reply. He blinked, looking at me.
I continued,
“I wanted to tell you that in yesterday’s cricket match, Aakash and I were openers. But I got out on Parshuram’s ball. I know that’s a bummer. Anyways, we won the match. Thanks to Sunil and Tarun. Tomorrow we have a football match, and I think Nitish and Atharav will take care of it. SST sir showed us the marks, and I have scored 30 marks out of 40. The exam was tough, but I’ll do well next time. I got my cycle repaired, and now the brakes are working fine. You don’t worry, Pa, we can have Avalakki this Sunday…”
He was continuously looking at me, and I realised even if he wanted to speak, the ventilator wouldn’t let any words come out.
His eyes were filled. One tear drop started slowly sliding down his right eye. I quickly wiped it. He tried to gather all his strength and moved his hand near the ventilator, but it was not enough. He tried a couple of times but failed. Finally, giving up on his attempt to move it, he tried to speak. His lips moved, and I heard — “ Aedm slmadf dfnslkd kadm”. It sounded like a small child trying to speak for the first time. I couldn’t understand. His constant movement tried to move the bed.
I held his hand to calm him. His movements came to rest, and he blinked. I said, “ It’s ok, Pa, don’t force yourself. Rest well. We’ll discuss once you are home. There’s so much to tell. By the way, do you know what happened in Maths class? “
The nurse interrupted our conversation.
She said, “Your time is up, you should go now. Let him rest,” and left abruptly.
What?? It was 5 minutes already. I couldn’t believe it. I felt as if I had entered just now!!!. Is she lying? I thought. I haven’t seen him for days, and 5mins is all I get. I won’t go, I said out loud in my mind.
I looked at Appa and started saying- “You need not worry, Amma told me that the doctor looked at the reports and told you are recovering fast and might be discharged soon. The car …”
The nurse intercepted again. This time, before she could say anything, I said — “ Yeah, I’m going..” with a smile on my face. I held my father’s hand for the last time and told him
“Bye”.
I didn’t want to leave, but there was no time left now!
He replied — “Bye”. Though I couldn’t hear his voice, I felt it.
I slowly started moving away from his bed. I know time was up, but today I wanted it to pause at this moment. I wanted to live this moment over and over again. I did not want to leave this room. I wanted to hear what he was trying to say. I want him to get better and step out of the ward.
I looked back at him one last time. His eyes were half-opened. As I prepared to leave, Nurse entered with a notebook in her hand and started noting the values and checking the liquid levels. I waved and started going back towards the ward entrance. I pushed back the door and placed the apron back to its original place, and went back to the reception. Amma asked, “ Did you talk to him?” and I nodded.
Uncle suggested we have dinner from the canteen on the first floor. I was really happy to finally see him, though I had never ever imagined that I would see him in this condition. I sat at the fifth table and had a plate of rice sambar. As we were exiting the hospital, Amma received a call from the doctor. She held me close and broke the news that Appa was gone. Forever.
…
End note:
I remember this line from Life of Pi,
“… I suppose, in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye. I was never able to thank my father for all I learnt from him. To tell him, without his lessons I would never have survived…”
I take this moment, almost ten years after his demise and say,
Thank you for everything, Appa.
Goodbye.
