dorotheas
I really want to be able to define the word ‘friends’. Based on so many forms of media that I’ve consumed, for instance, the tv show ‘Friends’, a friend is a person who is able to hang out with you casually without plan and also a person who knows every corner part of your personality. It Doesn’t matter if they have been there since you were a baby, friends can be found in every stage of your life.
I am always wondering what’s the thing that people call a friend. Because I’ve only seen it being used for the convenience. Always wondering, are they still going to be my friends if I hadn’t met them here? in this situation?. Do I even deserve to have friends? do they even deserve to have me as their friend?. So many questions in my head that might just seem like on the surface level, yet, I still can’t understand it.
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Sometimes I feel like I can’t be a good friend. I’m not good at comforting or even giving the simplest advice. But at the same time. I feel so selfless to the point I’m being too nice to them and that I know they would never do the same thing that I did to them. The fear of not having real friends creeps me out every day. You wouldn’t know if you never get bullied or alienated because nobody wants to talk to you. It has to be you first that cries to be a friend with them.
Since middle school, ‘friend’ has never really been my biggest concern because I always think I can do everything myself. Sure, I did everything myself, but my god how many times I prayed every night to god to please not make me wake up in the morning. Since then, I forgot how it feels to have friends, to have someone you can make a group with when there’s a group assignment, to have someone to sit at lunch with, to have someone you can ask the stupidest question ever and still answer, to have someone you can lean onto and so on.
My hope to feel those things faded as time went by. Wishing I could choose the same school as my old friend every day. Our separation will forever alter my brain chemistry. I missed everything about them. I will always forever love them to the Moon and to Saturn.
