At The Beginning
I’m writing this as the temperature reaches 26 degrees celcius, it feels hot but not as hot as usual. The pouring sweat can be handled easily by a single fan running. But that’s for me, for mum this is already quite hot especially for the temperature in Malang. I don’t know if this is because of my declining health or what.
For this first post, I will only pour out my heart for the past few days. Explaining the feelings I experienced coherently, because everyone said this is one of the best ways to calm down, writing.
It all started on the 2nd of January, the beginning of a year that was already quite exhausting for me. I shouldn’t have been pessimistic on that day, I shouldn’t have assumed that the holiday my family had planned would be a mess because that’s exactly what happened the next day. Our departure was delayed, we had little time to play, and we were tired because we only got home at night. Everything felt rushed and disorganised.
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Starting on that day, everything felt bad, until it culminated on the 4th in the evening when for some reason I felt very emotional because of one thing that really not important. I felt disappointed with whoever. By then I was so tired that I couldn’t think of anything but how to ignore everything. In the end, I didn’t sleep all night, I ate spicy food, and I drank coffee. I knew those were all restrictions for ulcer sufferers like me, but I didn’t care.
The next day, I thought everything was over, but it got worse. The result of my lack of rest was my temper exploding and I ended up losing one person due to my stupidity. Poor early January.
We ended our relationship, and for some reason I couldn’t feel anything but anxiety and sadness. Happy? Not at all. Relieved? It was more like suffocating me. Sad? I don’t know what to call it exactly, but I cried non-stop until the next day. I tried to stop crying, but unfortunately my tear glands wouldn’t compromise properly and my heart was somehow hard to command not to feel pain.
It continued like that the next day, I still woke up with tears and dreams of missing her. I tried to make things right but I seemed to have messed it up. I messed up her wishes, messed up how people around me, even messed up myself. Every time I did something or thought about something I could only cry, even when I slept I cried in my sleep. I started to think ‘Oh! This is how it feels to lose the person you love?’ Understandably, the first time I lost someone was at the age of 8, at that age I didn’t seem to understand what loss was.
The incident continued until the time of this writing, 9 January. I don’t know how long I will hope that everything will go back to the way it was, me and her together.
