Curse of braininess when you just want to assimilate
Roads that detour around rocks and meteor showers, possibly to divide and entertain us from an easy life ?
I was an A grade student at school for the majority of 13 years. I was basically the only student who would ask questions of our teachers repetitively. At times I hated the exposure that this placed on me severely.
Originally my first real push was my friend in grade 1 Gillian at Rosanna Golf Links. She was miles ahead of the class and I remember just being in awe of her and her ability and I said to myself I want to be just like Gillian. I really applied myself hard and during grade 2 at my fifth primary school I got there to the front of the pack. I could play the card game of memory at home and beat my entire family every single time. I had my books in alphabetic order at the age of 6.
Sometimes I would have students look at me with a peculiar sort of longing and dumbfounded-ness and ask me if I could please do their project because they can’t. I found this awful.
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I also lived with parents who were highly intelligent but narcissistic and the fact that my constant extremely high marks did nothing to make them treat me any better and I never was even congratulated; caused a serious rift in me where I could see no good things from actually being intelligent.
As time went on and my parents hate, neglect of me was beyond abominable I found the variation in going to school and being held as a trophy and then going home to being treated like a slave whom you keep in a shed and has no rights to simple things like new clothes and is requested if not yelled at to never speak so outrageously bipolar that it was horrendous.
When I was about 20 I remember asking one of my male friends if I could borrow his magazine for his article of water engines so I could copy it. He was a bit shocked by my enthusiasm for chemistry and I explained how my main subject project in my last year was actually majoring in water engines and politics regarding patents. He looked at me dumbfounded and said ‘why don’t you talk more ????’ and I said ‘because no one listens’.
Unfortunately I have found that I have cut off my own hands attempting to be more palatable but that just comes across as being lacking in authenticity and forgettable because I give them 5% of my personality and ability.
I think as women we are or were requested to be small, demure, good, seen but not heard (at least within some of the upper social strata I was born into) and the strictness of this seemed in the end to be something that I tried to dutifully follow. There are no winners.
I think I probably have had even less friends by being my dumb version. That is basically none; because the main ones that liked me were people whom enjoyed me for being low rung — and honestly those people are really quite awful people you realise at some point.
Hah the ways we can waste our lives!!!
