38 days sober and here’s what I know
I was going to write this at 30 days but I wasn’t sure what to write. I’m not sure if I can truly express the changes in me over such a short period of time. It would feel like I was lying. It should be impossible for one single thing to affect everything, but it’s not.
Thirty eight days ago I had my last alcoholic drink. This was the middle of January. I tried to do dry January and failed more than once by then. It forced me to face the truth that drinking had ceased to be a choice for me. It was a compulsion. I didn’t want to drink in January, just one month, yet I couldn’t stop myself.
Once I faced that truth I had the choice of two paths: quit altogether, or drink until I die. I chose to quit.
Those first cravings were something else. It seems so long ago and yet it isn’t. That urge to switch everything off is so persuasive. But this time, so far, I didn’t give in. And wow let me tell you it gets easier quickly.
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I’ve enjoyed nights out and watched everybody drinking and I’ve danced and joked and then driven myself home as soon as I was ready. In the last 38 days I’ve never suffered myself to have to be somewhere I don’t want to be for a single moment. It makes me wonder how often I used to be separated from my instincts before. And powerless to leave places anyway when you’re drunk. You’re at the mercy of a driver. Not anymore.
I have two favourite parts of my day now. As soon as I open my eyes and I no longer wake up to toxicity and shame. Instead I wake up rested and grateful. And climbing into a clean bed after washing in the evening never gets old.
Everything is cleaner now. I have so much more time. And if you’re doing this you need something else to do. Even if you still have an alcohol free beer after work it doesn’t take the whole night up anymore. So if something needs cleaning now I notice and clean it there and then. It makes my life more pleasant. I feel more respectful and respected. I’m worthy of this. I’ve never thought that before I don’t think.
The main thing that encompasses and effects everything else in my life is how much more I like myself now that I’m not drinking. I trust my own judgement now. I never realised how unreliable I was to myself. I always thought I wasn’t good enough. I always felt like a failure. I suppose I drank to numb these feelings.
Not drinking forced me to feel everything. I’m having to learn how to breathe through things. How not to panic and jump straight for the off switch. I became really stressed a day this week when I had inadvertently missed doing some important paperwork and on the same day I lost my keys. This is life, these things happen. Instead of reaching for the bottle I knew I had to move and get that nervous energy flowing. So I took my family to the swimming baths.
A friend messaged me tonight and suggested that I join her in taking mushrooms at a campsite on the beach. Thirty nine days ago I would have been tempted. But now I know I will never be in a situation where I don’t have total control over myself and that is such a liberating thought. I never have to do that to myself again. I can get into my comfortable bed sober every night. And I can wake up feeling fresh every day. It’s a gift I give to myself. Because I’m worth it.
