Achievements
Who do I see myself as in the next fifteen years? That might be the most horrifying question I’ve ever been asked.
For the past few years, I’ve been juggling different things I like. I’ve danced, learned classical music, dragged myself to the gym, and tried to discover… something.
But discover what, exactly?
People don’t really talk about the depth of not knowing your passion. Not being able to pursue it is secondary;
not knowing it at all is what eats me alive.
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Take writing, for example. I’ve been writing for four years now, which feels embarrassing to admit since I haven’t made much progress. And it makes me wonder; Am I even passionate about it? Is it exciting and fulfilling enough for me to call it a passion?
And I fear this isn’t just about writing or singing or any specific skill. I think it’s about everything. Every little thing I consider doing……talking to people, painting, even going for a walk; I’ve always based it on achievements and results. I only ever dive straight into it when the results are certain and the road is small and narrow, and the light at the end of tunnel is clearly in sight.
The day I published my first book, I thought I could actually succeed. I believed I deserved it, that I was good enough to make a living out of it. But soon after, when the attention faded, I gave up. Or rather, I started questioning whether I even liked writing anymore.
Strange how I made it my entire personality at one point in my life and the other I struggle to find meaning in it.
But it has always been this way. I move from one thing to another, trying to find joy. And sometimes, I do. I find it when I gain followers, when someone says they’re proud of me, when my sales go up, and in those small, quiet moments of pride within myself.
But when the achievement is gone….when there’s no finish line…I stumble. I lose my footing. The vision fades and the goal blurs. And when you don’t know the destination, you struggle to find your way… because none of the them truly feel like your own.
I envy those who know what they want to be. Those, who love what they do. Those, who can clearly see themselves fifteen years from now.
I envy them the most.
