Why is marriage the ultimate goal?
See, I have nothing against marriage, or people who choose to get married. I am not writing this to criticize them, but I do not understand the obsession of elders with marriage? Kids getting married being their dream, seeing grandkids being their last wish etc. Sometimes, I wonder whether this obsession with marriage is less about the child’s happiness and more about retaining a sense of control over the child’s life. Especially in the Southern Asia side.
Forced marriage, especially upon female children. Not that male children don’t get affected by this. But, why is marriage a ‘must-do’ part of life?
I, personally, don’t think of it as a necessity but rather more as a choice. Choice — the individual who will be a part of the marriage shall take, not the mother, not the father, not the sibling, uncle, aunt, grandma, grandpa etc. Marriage is a choice, not a milestone that someone else gets to complete on your behalf. Dreams are cut short, wishes are forced to forget, to marry a stranger, reproduce, THAT too when you might not even be ready for it. When you have goals, dreams, you have spent your life weaving, just to watch them get freed from chains of childhood to bondages of marriage.
And why?
Why is marriage treated like a deadline?
You finish school. You go to college. You get a job. And then, apparently, the next step is marriage. As if life is a checklist. Another one of your everyday to-do lists.
And if you don’t follow the checklist?
Suddenly you are the rotten fruit. Suddenly, there is something wrong with you. You are classless, ready to thrash the “family’s reputation” into the ground. You are seen as if you just grew horns, tails and flew away (for freedom).
“But when will you get married?”
“You are getting older.”
“We want to see you settled.”
“What are we going to tell relatives?”
“We want grandchildren.”
“You won’t find a good person later.”
I genuinely don’t understand this.
Why is someone else’s fear about my future supposed to become my responsibility?
If I don’t want to marry at 23, why does that become a problem?
If I don’t want to marry at 25, why does that become a problem?
If I don’t want to marry AT ALL, why does THAT BECOME A PROBLEM?
Marriage is not a degree that expires. There isn’t some invisible countdown above our heads saying, “Congratulations! You have 365 days left to find a husband/wife before all the good ones disapper.”
And yet, this is somehow how it is treated.
I also don’t understand the idea that parents should be the ones deciding who their child marries.
Yes, parents know their children.
Yes, parents have experience.
Yes, parents may notice things that their children don’t.
And yes, I understand why someone might want their parents’ opinion before making such a huge decision. But there is a difference between giving an opinion and making the decision.
An arranged marriage does not necessarily meean a forced marriage, there are families where parents introduce two people, the two people spend time getting to know each other, and either person CAN walk away. That’s still a choice. NOT turning the marriage into a checkpoint to be cleared for both families to survive (yes it is that dramatic.)
The problem begins when “we found someone for you” slowly turns into “you have to marry him/her.”
When “What do you think?” becomes “We’ve already decided.”
When “Would you like to meet him/her?” becomes “You will have to meet him/her.”
And eventually, “Do you want this?” isn’t even asked anymore. At that point, what exactly is the person’s role in the marriage?
And then comes the classic argument: “But we found such a good family.”
Okay.
But I am not marrying a family. I’m marrying a person.
A family can be wonderful. The parents can be wonderful. The relatives can be wonderful. Everyone can be educated, financially stable, respected in society and whatever else fits into their ideas of “good family” checklist.
But none of that tells me whether I want to spend my life with their child.
I don’t need a family that looks good on paper. I need a person I can actually talk to.
Someone whose values I understand.
Someone who respects my ambitions.
Someone I can disagree to without being afraid.
Somehone who doesn’t expect me to abandon everything I have built simply because I became their spouse.
And, most importantly, someone I chose.
Another thing I find strange is how often marriage is presented as a solution.
You’re lonely? Get married.
You’re not settled? Get married.
You’re getting older? Get married.
Your parents want grandchildren? Get married.
You’re worried about your child? Get them married.
Why?
Why do we assume marriage automatically fixes things?
Marriage doesn’t magiacally make someone mature. It doesn’t automatically make someone responisble. It doesn’t guarantee happiness. And it definitely doesn’t guarantee compatability. I, personally think, it is more of a gamble. Gamble of life.
Two people can look perfect on paper and still be completely wrong for each other. And two people can from completely different backgrounds and understand each others beautifully.
So perhaps instead of asking,
“Is this a good family?”
we should also ask,
“Are these two people actually right for each other?”
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And there is something else that bothers me.
When parents say, “You will have to marry eventually”, that makes marriage sound less like a life choice and more like a compulsory part of being a functioning adult.
But why?
There are people who don’t want children.
There are people who don’t want marriage.
There are people who want to marry much later.
There are people who want to focus on their careers.
There are people who want to travel.
There are people who simply haven’t found someone they want to spend their life with.
And there are poeple who are perfectly happy living alone.
Why should all of them be treated as if they are somehow incomplete?
A person’s life does not become less meaningful because there isn’t a spouse standing next to them.
And especially for women, the expectations can become even more complicated.
Get educated.
Get a job.
Be independent.
But not too independent.
Have a career.
But don’t let it interfere with the household.
Get married.
Have children.
Take care of them.
Take care of your husband.
Take care of his parents.
Maintain relationships with everyone.
And somehow continue being the same person you were before marriage, making sure you keep yourself below everyone too.
How?
At what point are we simply allowed to be people?
Not someone’s daughter.
Not someone’s wife.
Not someone’s mother.
Not someone’s mother-in-law.
Just ourselves.
With our own dreams, careers, hobbies, ambitions, mistakes, stupid decisions, adventures, and plans.
I don’t thin parents should stop caring about their children’s future.
I don’t think family traditions should disappear.
I don’t think arranged marriages are inherently bad.
And I definitely don;t think everyone needs to have the same opinion about marriage as I do.
But I do believe, forcing the above on your kids is bad.
If someone wants to get married at 21, good for them.
If someone wants to get married at 35, good for them.
If someone wants an arranged marriage, good for them.
If someone wants a love marriage, good for them.
If someone doesn’t want a marriage at all, also good for them.
The important part should be that the person actually wants the life they’re choosing.
Because at the end of the day, the relatives who pressured you will go home.
The people who saud “What will society think?” will move on to another topic.
The people who said, “You’ll thank us later” won’t be the ones waking up next to your spouse every morning and living under the expectations they put upon you.
They won’t be the ones building a new life with that person.
They won’t be the ones living the consequences if it doesn’t work out.
You will.
So shouldn’t you get the biggest say?
Maybe marriage isn’t the ultimate goal.
Maybe it’s just one possible part of life.
Maybe the goal is to build a life you actually want to wake up to.
And if marriage happens to be a part of that life, wonderful.
If it isn’t, that should be okay too.
Because a person’s life should not be measured by whether they managed to become someone’s spouse.
Marriage is a choice.
And choices only mean something when you’re allowed to say no.
“Maybe the ultimate goal isn’t marriage. Maybe it’s simply having the freedom to decide what your life looks like.”
