“told before”
I’ve heard it all before,
“Just wait” , “It will come to you.” ,“You’ll find someone.”
Yet time and time again
I ask myself the same question,
Will I ever be loved?
What if I am incapable of it?
I remember the first time
I loved a boy.
He felt like another version of me,
a reflection I found in someone else’s eyes.
I would drown in his green eyes , they were like a summer forest after rain,
sunlight caught between leaves.
He was a breath of fresh air,
the kind that convinces you
everything will be okay.
We talked from dusk until dawn,
building summers that never came,
dreaming of futures
that only existed between us.
Today, my mother came into my room and saw the picture of us I can’t bare to take down. She goes “who’s this young man?” and I’m thinking of a million ways to tell her this is the boy I once knew that let me down.
I’ll remember the night
he told me he loved me.
The way he stood beside me,
the way his hand brushed by my hair,
the way our knees touched
without either of us moving away and the way he’d smirk for a moment when he’d catch my stare.
For a moment,
I felt complete.
He was the first person
I ever opened my heart to.
The first person
who made me feel safe.
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Then he left.
Simple as that.
He led me toward something beautiful
only to disappear before I reached it.
In his own words,
“She’s fairly romantic,
but I’m not.”
And suddenly everything changed.
It felt as though
he had never loved me at all.
I gave him my heart,
and he treated it like something
he could leave behind.
I gave him every piece of myself.
i never realised showing interest can steer someone away but instead i end up vulnerable with my heart thrown away.
And that’s when I realised,
when I love someone,
I do it completely.
I would give them everything.
Yet no one seems willing
to do the same for me.
These relationships are broken down again and again because we stare at screens and not eyes, the soul.
So I find myself here again,
asking the question
I’ve been told not to worry about.
Will I ever know
what it feels like
to be fully loved?
