Morning Page
Believe.
“Empathy is like a mirror, where we see a reflection — but of someone else.” — Sonya
At the Discussion Circle, which I recently joined and completely fell for, we spoke about empathy. This was my last sentence at the end. I listened, even when I didn’t agree, but I tried to empathize with their opinions.
“Do they empathize with me? Do they empathize with my life?
If they do, what do they feel — more pain, or jealousy?
And do we even believe in their empathy?” — to understand it properly.
More than empathy, today I wonder about believing.
“I believe that one day I will fall in love, and I will never fall out of it.” — That might be naïve, but so am I. I believe in art. I try to believe in myself. I believe in God, Do I? And what is God to us? What is my imagination of God? I’m following The Artist’s Way, and I’m on week 6, where Julia talks about money and art.
It started with — writing pages about my imagination of God — what is my idea of God, the one I believe in. Very interesting, since I’ve been playing with that idea for so long.
To me, God is something inside me. God is the voice I hear within. God is the dreams I dream and try to understand in my waking life. God is subconscious. God is the energy of nature, of the universe, the force — my soul is connected to. Do I see God as a human being? That’s basically the idea of Jesus. Well, I believe Jesus happened. I believe some people carry a higher frequency in their being. Every singer who can stand in front of thousands and sing is gifted, probably more than the others. Am I right? Magnetic energy that attracts crowds of people. The power of a volcano, the power of a human being, the power of an animal — these are all proofs that a higher energy exists. Through people, and through nature.
Is their idea of God the same as mine?
I don’t know, and honestly, I don’t care. I only care about mine. It’s private. It’s the source of my energy. It’s my connection to something unseen but deeply felt. What is my God is not the God of others. I don’t like the idea of someone taking mine and calling it theirs. Am I possessed? Maybe. Or maybe I’ve built something so strong, so personal, that I don’t want to share it or talk about it. I try to separate my God from others. What does that make me? I don’t know.
I believe each person has their own God above their head, and it’s up to them how much they believe. God is within everyone. Everyone is as close to it as they want to be. Whatever they ask, want, or need, they speak to it through themselves.
Why should my God care about others? Unless I ask him to.
But, his attention is mine.
Our conversations, our time, our energy, our art.
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Maybe I sound selfish saying “My God is not your God.” But that’s how I feel. It took me a long time to build this connection, these beliefs. It took my father away, then my grandmother. It almost took my life, many times, for me to understand the spirituality of myself, my soul, and my only connection to something we don’t see but believe in. Why would I want to share that with someone — especially someone who isn’t close to me?
I call it God because that’s the word we humans use for something higher. But there is also a part of me that struggles to believe in something I can’t see or touch. Yet my life showed me that magic does happen. Especially after my father passed away — how I saw him on the other side, how I learned to believe he is with me, or within me. How strongly I feel connected to my family tree. Isn’t that God? Maybe that’s why I’m so over-protective of it. It showed me the main connection with my blood, and love — that death is not the end, but the beginning.
So yes — my God is my God. Something I don’t share. I have it only for myself.
If you ask me whether it’s a man or a woman — haha — maybe a man. But is God a human representation? I don’t think so. God can be the wind that hugs you when you’re lonely. The rain that makes you happy. A flower that falls onto your window and brightens your day. Sex, when you need it. A friend who cheer time with you. Anything that helps you smile or makes your moment feel better. — I think. In these times, in this “future” we live in, it’s hard to recognize what is Devil and what is God. I believe in the Devil too — I’m realistic. Nowadays it’s hard to see what is what. Believing God is everywhere can make you fall for the Devil easily. Why do those two sit on chairs next to each other? Maybe that’s karma?
I have noticed, people hate the word karma. For me, karma is something, to believe it happens. Good or bad, I can notice it — fast. Like the gum example, from two days ago. “I throw gums on the street” — so bad, I know. I do it like a spoiled kid. Two days ago, I stepped on one with my flip-flop, and it got all over my foot. Disgusting. I immediately knew why. “Karma,” — I said. Now I know I’ll never throw gum again! I told myself, immediately: “Imagine if next time it gets to your hair?!” A nightmare. And honestly — how hard is it to, — just NOT throw gum on the street? Was it the Devil? Was it God, in this simple example?
As I build a relationship with my God, I also build one with my Devil. They don’t exist without each other. It’s impossible to believe in one without acknowledging the other. Understanding both is the only way to live successfully — at least for me. As much as I love my creation of God, there is something in me that loves the Devil. I must admit. The Devil gives you what you desire immediately. God takes time, keeps you waiting. Sometimes too long. Patience is getting expensive these days. Connecting to your Devil — accepting it — can give you clarity. It explains your actions and their consequences. He is your best friend too. He wants you to profit, to live luxuriously. My Devil is not yours, and yours is not mine. It’s all about the connection you create and believe in. Believing is, very important. These times, we all believe in money, and we all have right to. God can’t give us money — at least not quickly. The Devil can? Faster? And, what if they keep switching, and we can’t recognize which opportunity is God’s and which is the Devil’s? That’s why it’s important to connect to our beliefs, our souls, our lives. Like my life — the life of a single young woman working in art. My God and my Devil are completely different from others. They only need to feed ME. And it’s my mission to understand them both, their positions in my life, in my suffering, and in my creativity as in my happiness. The Devil is very creative, but there are side effects where you whisper, “God, help me.” Or “Devil, spice it up” Each of us has a different life. There can be similarities, but no two lives are the same. Am I wrong?
When I think of love, or the perfect one — the one I tend to write about but never finish — I wonder why — it always has a good start, so romantic, and then halfway through the story stops. Maybe a lack of experience, I don’t know. To be a good writer, maybe we must live the life we don’t want to fiction about? Or just fiction everything? Exagerarte. I do have a great imagination; maybe one day I’ll finish that perfect love story!
But back to the concept of this article, — would that love mean — sharing my Devil and my God with one person? Maybe honesty in spirituality is the answer to perfect love? Isn’t love about being completely naked to each other — not just physically, but mentally? Marriage sounds like sharing each other’s God. Is the Devil invited to the marriage?
Being single, believing in both, makes me anxious about sharing everything I’ve built with someone. I’ve never been in love deeply enough to marry — except my teenage love, where I sometimes wonder if we’d still be together now. I know how crazy I can fall for love, but I’m older now, more mature, and I like to keep my growth to myself.
“Devil can hurt, but so can God. God keeps me motivated; and the Devil keeps me entertained.” — Sonya.
So, a little of Julia’s homework today.
Love, Sonya.
