Self Awareness
Self Awareness. Much has been written on this topic, yet no one seems to write about how it works. I can only speak from my own experiences and share how it began for me. Self awareness is a process. It came at a point in life where I wanted to take a pause from focussing my entire energy on my career and do something for myself.
To note, while I was focusing on self growth, I was also in a new city and country and I was on my first job. So I did end up spending more than required number of hours working & invested some time in making new connections.
At first, I didn’t know how to go about it, so I first started with learning to meditate. I thought, in a very kung-fu-panda way, that if I could can wade through the distractions and learn to focus on the task at hand, I can somehow unleash my inner potential. So I went after the ‘inner peace’.
It was after two months that I realized I am mostly kidding myself and just going off to sleep after each meditation session. At that point I had to be ‘honest’ with myself that it is not working for me and that meditation is probably not for me. I say ‘probably’ because I don’t want to completely discard this option if it crosses my path again in future.
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Next up was observing myself in varied situations and noting my reactions. I started seeing how I react to things and what really got me to react a certain way. I started revisiting past experiences to see what attenuates my present. I started thinking of my childhood, the environment I was brought up in and each of the places with different people that add up to my personality. I started evaluating all my relationships and friendships and re-read how they affect me on a personal level. I learnt to draw boundaries with the relations that affected me negatively and focused on my on over all well being. For the ones that didn’t work out, I gave it time and made my peace with it.
I started creating a library of books in my apartment. Whenever I saw my brain going on the negative track, I either picked up a book to read or poured myself a glass of wine and made friends with Netflix.
I started looking at the world at a deeper level with each passing day. When I met a new person, I learnt to look at them beyond the superficial level of conversation quality and dressing sense. I started talking to my family more frequently and this time actually got them better involved with the events of my life. I realized I had been keeping them away from my experiences for the longest time and it was time to open up.
Since meditation didn’t work for me, I wanted to take up another activity. I had another failed attempt at gymming (this was take 2 in my life). So I took to swimming. It was indeed a more enjoyable experience for me as water had this brilliant calming effect on me.
But somehow during this period, while chasing rainbows and distractions in the name of focus, I realized, awareness happens only if you are truly ready for it. Are you ready to face your truth and mistakes head on? Do you have the courage to see that kind of truth about yourself. Are you ready to admit to yourself your darkest flaws and deepest wounds? Are you ready to embrace the beauty within you and along with the demons to be a description of your truest self? I guess its a calling that comes on its own. What triggered it for me was constant lifestyle changes, a period of solitude and the fight to fall in love with myself.
