Constellation
If the sun burns out tonight, who would be the brightest lights in your life?
Someone close to me asked me that once, and it still makes me smile every time I think of the answer. It’s a question that comes with an easy answer since the brightest stars I have ever witnessed, without exception, have always been one specific type. They have always been incomparably warm bundles of light who always seek to learn, while always being ‘inefficient’ in understanding others.
Our social structure in Barbados rewards ‘efficiency’ in a way that allows toxic habits to persist without proper checks and balances. Many Bajans struggle with nuanced communication because the system encourages oversimplified, lazy reasoning rooted in longstanding habits of avoiding mundane, thoughtful logic in favour of quick and loose spectacle. A ‘Days of Our Lives’ effect maybe?
A large section of society currently treats interpersonal relationships like fast food. To them, it’s quick, convenient, easily swapped out, and forgotten by the next craving. People regularly get consumed for what they offer in the moment and discarded when something shinier comes along. Against that backdrop, someone who slows down to truly get to know you is practically being countercultural. An action frowned upon by the emotionally incapacitated few who love to state and judge what wasting time should be constituted as. So it’s poetic to see someone treat another person in Barbados like a story worth reading to the end, and not like a quick bite to eat.
That kind of attention is rare and very valuable, especially to someone like me, who had a situation in my youth where a special person had an addictive pastime of deliberately trying to embarrass me in front of any friend group to show her manly dominance and alpha personality. Of course, this was a ‘lesson’ in how to ‘behave’ and be ‘obedient,’ because she could easily show me again that she had my social life in her hands.
Thus, I’ve always been a bit protective of my peace and the circles of friends who constitute it; and in no way is protective an exaggeration. To me, it was like protecting innocent bystanders who didn’t deserve to be in the firing line of oddities, because who wants the ones close to them to witness that randomness regularly?
Over time, I learnt how to divert any heat targeted at me to be directed only towards me, and me only. Far away from any friend groups. Which then led to me overcompensating a bit in my relations in my youth. A choice that only led to future pitiful mistakes.
Luckily, though, as I got older, the need to overcompensate dimmed, but my protective instincts grew fiercer. Anything volatile immediately got quarantined away from my peaceful solace, and I left no openings for weird shenanigans.
It certainly wasn’t ideal for maintaining peak social relations, but those few minutes or hours of normalcy always made it worthwhile. It didn’t help that whenever the animals who had escaped the zoo tried to use the ‘I’m gonna nuke his support structure by spinning tales about him to teach him a lesson because I don’t think he respects me and because of that, he might try to ruin my image’ weapon, they were always short of core targets and had no reach. Unfortunately, the successful defence from operations like that only reinforced my protective habit.
However, somewhere along the way, as my health declined, my life woes started to slowly seep into that sanctuary more than I’d like. How can you be close to anyone if your life doesn’t spill over into theirs, you might ask? Well, personally, I have no idea. That’s a conundrum I’ve thoroughly enjoyed figuring out over the years.
I’ve thoroughly enjoyed laughing at the people who’ve assumed my lack of socials meant that I was lonely and daydreamed all day. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed joking with people who slowly learnt where and how to contact me promptly (the stories will never not be funny). I’ve thoroughly enjoyed conversing with those who noticed that the above essentially meant there was less access and surface area to take a shot at my peace.
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When time means a lot to you, you tend to deeply value another person giving you that precious resource in the form of ‘inefficient’ love, care, and favour. You appreciate when they understand that ‘enjoyment’ looks different from person to person, and that certain pastimes or lifestyles that bring one person peace or happiness may not appeal to someone else. In understanding that, they show they value your time too. You see, sometimes people see a lifestyle they secretly want and assume you must want it too. That’s projection. An urge to impose their own desires onto you. You don’t need to waste your time on that, or your peace.
With all of that in mind, to show my appreciation, I would really like to say to anyone who has been a good influence in my life over the years, thank you.
To anyone who has offered genuine advice because they genuinely wanted to see me succeed, thank you.
To those who are capable of nuanced, open communication while treating others with decency, thank you.
To those who take responsibility for their insecurities and control their harmful behaviours, thank you.
To those who don’t really know what’s going on in my life but resist the urge to make up conclusions because of a hunch or a feeling (when you can move the lips on your face to ask me a question), thank you.
To those who don’t go out of their way to target others, spread lies, spy on people, or instigate drama because they couldn’t wait a few minutes to use the toilet, thank you.
To those who understand what “never look down on someone you openly claim to care about unless you’re helping them up” means, thank you.
For those who showed me what a normal human being with true maturity looked like, I sincerely thank you with all my heart. It truly did teach me that there are normal, functioning people out there who aren’t broken, crazy or sociopathic. It really did keep me from losing faith in humanity and exposed me to a more mature, emotionally healthy side of society.
There are many small things that have brought me joy over the years, but one of the brightest right now is knowing that if I were to die tomorrow, I would leave behind people who would have actually appreciated the time they had spent with me. So, most of all, to everyone who has spent their precious time being the brightest lights of my life, I truly thank you!
(To Erin, specifically. Yes, you, the very person who encouraged me to start writing these articles because you felt they would offer others a window into my way of thinking. I still think you’re delusional. Cows won’t start barking just because they’ve read a few words, but I want to thank you for helping me enjoy the process and for believing that, for some reason, it could create change in others, the world, and in me.)
Now that all is said and done, if the sun burned out tonight, who would be the brightest lights in your life? Who would be the ones to form your constellation?
