Do You Exist?
On longing to be seen and understood
“Will there be someone who truly understands me?”
“Will there be someone who can really see through me and still choose to stay by my side?”
Those are the questions that have been on my mind ever since I started rewatching a romantic Chinese drama starring my favorite (ex) actor, Lai Kuanlin. The drama is called Love The Way You Are. Funny enough, the title alone feels like an answer to all of those questions.
Someone who loves me the way I am.
Someone who truly understands me.
Someone who can really see through me and still choose to stay by my side.
“Where are you now? Do you even exist?”
What are you doing right now?
Are you sipping your coffee while working on your deadlines?
Are you writing something?
Or are you taking pictures somewhere?
Those are the questions I can’t help asking myself.
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“What kind of spouse will I have?”
“Will he be patient?”
“Will he be humorous?”
“Will he read this article someday?”
I know what it feels like to fall in love.
I know what it feels like to want someone by my side.
I know what it feels like to have my heart skip a beat when they smile at me.
But does anyone feel the same way about me?
I know some people might find this pathetic. Maybe even silly.
But it doesn’t feel silly to me. It’s probably the most honest question I’ve ever asked the world.
“Will he be grateful that I exist?”
“Will my presence make his life a little brighter?”
“Will I be enough for him?”
To my fellow single women in your thirties, I think many of us know this feeling. And we also know what we’re supposed to do.
Just keep living.
Just keep moving.
Just… stay strong.
But sometimes, we’re not that strong. And that’s okay.
