How to Stop Taking Things Personally (and why you do!)
Why criticism, silence, and short replies can feel like a verdict on you and 5 simple steps to take back your calm.
You’ve worked hard all week on something, only for someone you respect to say:
We’ll use the sentence from the top: “This isn’t what I was hoping for.”
Whether they said it kindly or not, you’ll feel a sudden drop inside you. Your cheeks will feel hot. You’ll say to yourself “of course, I’ll fix it,” but also think to yourself “I just aren’t good enough.”
By the evening you’ll be going over it in your head so much you won’t even remember what they said. You’ll know how it feels to take things personally from the inside. The good news? It can change!
What taking things personally means
When you take things personally you interpret what someone says or does as being about you. In reality it could be about their mood, stress levels or something you can’t see.
It could be a comment, a look or a short reply. Psychologists call it personalisation because it’s when you assume everything is about you, when in reality it’s not. This can show up in two ways. Either you think your mistakes and disappointments are evidence that something is wrong with you. Or you feel it’s your responsibility to make others feel better and feel guilty when you can’t.
It can be difficult as it doesn’t feel like a habit. It feels like the truth.
A quick note: Not taking things personally isn’t ignoring what people say. There will be fair comments to learn from. The aim is to take the useful part of what they said.
Why do I take things personally?
Your brain doesn’t like empty spaces. If someone doesn’t explain their tone, face or words your brain will fill in the blanks. It will assume the worst as it wants to protect you. Like a guard dog barking at every shadow. It means well but can’t tell the difference between a shadow and a real threat.
Your body will also react before your brain. If someone has a sharp tone or cold look you’ll feel your heart race, stomach drop and shoulders tense. This happens within a second or two. So when someone says “it’s probably nothing,” or you tell yourself this, it will bounce off you. You can’t argue with a fire alarm.
Some people’s alarm is on a lower setting. If part of you feels like people will eventually get fed up of you then any change in tone will feel like the start of it. Add in the habit of going over moments to find where you went wrong and your brain will get very good at finding something.
There is nothing wrong with you. However if it’s causing you to feel drained or you’re constantly worrying or feeling low it’s worth talking to a qualified professional.
Why does criticism hurt so much?
Most people don’t like criticism but if you take things personally it will feel like a judgement or a verdict on you.
Within those few seconds your body will react. You’ll feel a drop, your cheeks will feel hot and your chest will tighten. Your brain will then shorten what they said, “This part needs work” becomes “this is bad” and “this is bad” becomes “I’m bad at this.” You’ll now be agreeing to a much harsher sentence than they said. Words like always, never and not good enough will pop into your head even though these words weren’t used. Once this happens you won’t be able to make sense of anything.
Maybe your manager did have a point about a section. Maybe they were stressed and said it badly. Maybe it was a vague comment with no real information. However it all comes across as one big hurtful comment. You won’t be able to separate the useful part. You’ll either swallow it all or become defensive.
This can have a bigger impact than just a bad afternoon. People who take things personally when being criticised can start to avoid feedback, over explain or apologise before they’ve even been complained about. Some people will also hold back on their strengths so there isn’t as much to criticise. Over time you’ll start to criticise yourself and this will slowly make you feel you aren’t as valuable. None of this was ever decided by the person.
How to not take things personally (5 steps)
These steps are from our ebook The Art of Not Taking Everything Personally. They’ve been shortened so you can complete them in a few minutes. Complete them in order.
We’ll use the sentence from the top “This isn’t what I was hoping for.”
Give yourself a moment
Before trying to think your way out of it calm your alarm. Place your tongue on the roof of your mouth and relax your hands. Take a breath in for 4, hold for 7 and out for 8. A few times. Press your heels into the floor. If you need to say something give yourself some time. “Let me think about that for a moment.” No one needs an answer from you straight away.
Note down what was said
Imagine there was a camera in the room. What would it have recorded? Your manager said “This isn’t what I was hoping for.” They didn’t say “She thinks I’m useless” This is where your brain added in the story. Split this into two columns and you’ll start to see how much of the hurt came from the second column.
Think of other reasons
Why else could they have said this? Maybe they had a different image in their head and never mentioned it. Maybe they’re running late to their next meeting. Maybe their boss was harsh to them this morning. You don’t need to know which one is true. You just need to realise you don’t know. The worst version was just a guess from many.
Ask yourself if there was any evidence
Your brain will tell you “You’re not good enough.” Ask yourself if there was any evidence of this in what they said. One sentence about one piece of work isn’t a judgement. It was just one minute of a very long day.
Sort out the useful part
What exactly do they mean? Content, layout or length? Are they talking about what you did or who you are? What specific change would make it right? If you can’t tell ask them. If you can’t tell, ask her out loud: “Thanks for telling me. Which part would you change?” This will turn a vague sting into something you can work with.
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If the comment was actually unkind (sarcastic comment at family dinner, harsh word from someone who does this all the time) the same steps apply. You can separate out what they said from what your brain did. You don’t have to agree it was fair.
How to Stop Taking Things Personally at work
This can be made worse at work as you can’t walk away. You’ll still have to sit through the meeting, reply to the email and see them tomorrow. If you’re looking for ways to stop taking things so personally that it affects you at home these will help more than will power.
Ask for specifics. “Which part would you change?” This will turn a vague sting into something you can work with. It will also tell you quickly if it was about your work or their mood.
Don’t reply when you’re overwhelmed. Type the worst, most honest reply into your notes app. Leave it for at least 20 minutes. When you come back ask yourself 3 questions. Am I writing this to make my point clearly or to stop myself panicking? Am I replying to what they said or the story in my head? Could I make this 70% shorter?
Sort out the feedback. Most criticism will have a useful part, some tone, a little of their stress and sometimes a vague comment like “this isn’t quite right” which gives you no information. Find the useful part. If there isn’t any that’s the information.
Keep a record. If it’s the same person repeatedly and starts to become disrespectful write down the dates, times and exact words. This isn’t you taking things too personally. This is you having evidence.
When it’s a text/email or no reply
Texts can make you take things personally as there is no tone. A short reply, one letter “k” or no reply for 3 hours your brain will fill in the blanks.
The same steps apply. Don’t reply. Ask yourself what you actually know. Usually it’s that they haven’t replied. A no reply isn’t a yes or no. It’s an empty space. We have empty spaces in our lives all the time. Put your phone in another room and do something real for 15 minutes. Usually you’ll get a reply.
When it is personal
Sometimes people misuse learning to Stop Taking Things Personally and use it as an excuse to put up with anything. This shouldn’t be the case. Some behaviour is targeted at you and your reaction is reasonable.
A useful tip is to ask yourself if it was targeting your basic dignity or crossing a clear line. If it was say what happened and where your line was. “I’m happy to discuss this project, but I won’t stay in this room if you raise your voice at me.” If it wasn’t you may be able to let it go.
Be aware of why you’re letting it go. Are you letting it go because you’re feeling calm or because you’re scared of conflict? Only you know the answer but it’s worth asking. If you ever feel unsafe this is a completely different situation. Getting support is more important than any techniques on this page.
What keeps you doing it
Arguing with yourself to calm down. Your body needs to calm down.
Constantly asking for reassurance. It feels like a relief but teaches your brain it was a real threat.
Apologising for things that aren’t your fault. This will make you feel better for a minute but will reinforce you’re to blame.
Seeing a bad day as evidence you’re failing. A setback just means your old habit kicked in. You’re making progress by getting back to a calm state a little quicker each time.
Want to go further? Ebook & Workbook
All of the above is the short version. If you want the full version we’ve created 2 things. They work well together but can be used on their own.
12 chapters explaining why your body reacts before your brain, why people say and do hurtful things, how to deal with criticism, no replies and texts and when letting go isn’t the right advice. PDF & ePub.
15 pages with 12 1 page tools to type/ print. This can be used on it’s own. The ebook explains why each tool works.
Common Questions
Why do I take everything personally?
Your brain will fill in the blanks with the worst possible reason as it believes this will keep you safe. Your body will react to a sharp tone or cold look as if it’s a physical threat. This makes normal comments feel like judgements. It’s a learnt habit and can change.
Why does criticism hurt?
If you take things personally criticism will feel like a judgement. Your body will react first and your brain will shorten what they said. This will make the useful part get lost in the hurt.
How can I take criticism without taking it personally?
Give your body a moment to calm down. Note down exactly what was said. Look for normal reasons. Ask yourself if there was any real evidence against you. Keep the specific useful part and let go of the tone. Ask “Which part would you change?”
Can I Stop Taking Things Personally completely?
No. The aim isn’t to. You’ll still feel the sting sometimes. You’ll start to notice it quicker, calm down quicker and not let one comment become a judgement.
Is taking things personally the same as being sensitive?
No. Being sensitive is how much you notice and feel things. It can be a real strength. Taking things personally is a specific habit of seeing what others say and how they feel as being about you. You can work on the habit without changing how much you feel.
Is it ever right to take something personally?
Yes. Sometimes behaviour is targeted at you and crosses a line. The aim isn’t to ignore everything but to separate useful feedback from behaviour you shouldn’t accept.
