I understand why people feel so sad and beaten down when they didn’t get to be there in their loved one’s final moments. I’m sure the feeling would be way worse when you could have been there but you chose not to or perhaps you didn’t even know the person was not okay…that’s even worse because it will leave you feeling like you neglected the person and now that person is gone and there’s no way to make it up to him/her.
On January 6, at around 6:00 a.m., I received a call from someone who doesn’t call me that often, especially not so early in the morning.
I missed the call, but I knew I had to call her back immediately because “she must have had an urgent reason to call,” I thought to myself.
Little did I know that I was about to receive the most heartbreaking news of my life at that point.
“Jay is no more,” she said
I still remember how I felt when those words echoed in my ear…. “he is no more.”
“What do you mean, Jay is no more?” I asked, extremely terrified and in an emotionless state (apathy is my twisted way of handling pain and many other unpleasant emotions)
She went on to narrate the story of how our friend died…..
I was still in denial because I still spoke to him two days ago, we had somewhere to go the next day, and he couldn’t possibly be dead, right?
Slowly, the reality that I wouldn’t see him anymore began to dawn on me, and you know what follows after that…tears, lots of them.
I managed to pull myself together because it was time for me to go to work, and I couldn’t be found crying inside a bus.
But the thought of my friend’s death taunted me till I got to work, and it became worse when I got there; the work environment felt void. Void because the person I always see at work is gone…forever.
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But that was it that day. I managed to pull myself together after crying a lot but I felt this pain in my chest…it was so uncomfortable and painful and I just couldn’t live with the thought of not being able to see him again…and in that moment, I wished I never knew him because at least, I won’t be experiencing this level of pain I’m feeling right now if I didn’t know him or get close to him at all.
The next day, I had to go out. Alone.
Not because I delayed him.
Not because he went ahead of me.
But because he was gone. No longer of this world.
For the first time since I started working there, I went to the program we always attended — alone.
I get to the venue all strong and refusing to crack, then I saw something of his, which in turn reminded me again that he’s dead.
I’m guessing you know what followed…more tears
That day, the day after that, and after and after was filled with sadness, denial, and hope…lol hope that it was all a lie and I could see my friend and hug him again.
Hope that he was not dead and it was all a prank.
I finally gave in to reality when he was buried, and since then, he’s been a sad memory in my mind that time has managed to suppress the pain a little bit.
Why did I say all these?
This guy may not have been my best friend or my family, but his death hurt badly, and if I was hurting that badly, it just makes me wonder how extremely painful it must feel to lose someone dear to your heart.
And it’s worse if the person’s death leaves you feeling guilty or in regret, and most times, it would.
You’d wish you had savoured every moment when they were alive.
You’d wish you hadn’t fought with them.
You’d wish you were always loving.
You’d wish you were there at their deathbed.
You’d wish you had known they were suffering.
You’d wish you had helped when they asked for help.
The wishes are endless.
But they don’t come true. That’s the reality.
You live with the ache of never seeing them again… not in this lifetime.
But as believers, there’s hope. A reunion someday.
Still, I wish I didn’t have to wait until I, too, leave this world… before I see my friend again.
O death, where is your sting?
