INDIAN MATRIMONY: A cultural confusion
I’ve seen a lot of markets growing up. First the stock market, then education, then job, and now the marriage market. Those in the arranged marriage game, that put anyone between their 20s to 30s to shame, will know what I’m on about. Especially those living overseas.
Let me introduce myself as someone born Indian, but raised as a 3rd culture kid with children of Sri Lankan, Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Indonesian, American Australian, and Greek origins. I’ve had a diverse upbringing in different countries, so it’s hard to fit into a marriage where a guy is only looking for an “Indian girl”, as I identify with much more than that.
I’m among the unlucky (or maybe lucky, if I find “the one”) 70% of Indians who couldn’t find love in their lives, thus having to search for a potential suitor on a website. It's like Tinder and Bumble, they say. You pick a guy, and the guy picks you, based on mutual interests, hobbies, and location. Then parents, salary, and your caste/religion come into foreplay, and that’s what changes it from dating into marriage. Regressive, but at least not forced or mandatory! You still have the benefit of the doubt that you picked your guy. No matter if you drown like Jack in Titanic. The plank is of your choice!
So falling among the 10 million users, with only the businessmen like Murugavel Janakiraman (CEO of Bharat Matrimony.com) and Anupam Mittal (founder of Shaadi.com), making millions by hitching strangers together, the marriage market ranges from Indians to non-residential Indians, the former looking at this as a way to find someone with a broader perspective of a life they’ve never seen, while the latter search for the lost Indian culture they never practice, in their future partners.
On the outside, it's a nice arrangement of bringing two like-minded individuals to repel loneliness and find happiness. But the closer you go the weirder it gets. Some people on profiles, ask for boys who are specifically a sub-caste of a caste I have no idea about. On googling, I find that this sub-caste has a history of producing good-looking and intelligent individuals. Well, those features are always welcome. But like that’s the first thing I’ll ask a man when I see them. Hey, how are you? Let’s grab a coffee. which sub-caste are you from, because I’m from so and so one? Where did your ancestors work a thousand years ago? Was it in a cow shed or as the village chieftain, both of which cease to exist? And will that ancestor have passed on that inheritance and skills of leadership to you, to facilitate a better salary? In short, are you rich?
Sadly, in matrimony, it isn’t enough that the boy is earning well. His father has to be rich too because in case the boy loses his job, the father’s property will be of security in the marriage. I wonder what the wife will do all this time while her husband has no job. Oh, that’s right, working in the kitchen or raising kids. What’s the point of a girl’s education or job, when it’s not of any use to her livelihood? It’s a pity, that a women’s salary is still looked upon as pocket money or savings and not considered a part of the expenses going towards the house. Good for the women I guess. She can buy herself diamonds or donate all that excesses to charity, while her husband drowns in losses, or give all that accumulated wealth to her mother-in-law, to buy chunks of gold jewellery she’s never going to wear.
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It's not only the men that suffer, women too are victims. And now my rant begins. I’ve been looking for men with decent-looking photographs. You don’t have to be a hotshot model. Just maybe standing with a group of friends, having a glass of Coca-cola in your hands, and a promise of a happy future in your eyes. But all I’ve been finding are men, with blonde streaks in their hair, posing on cars that aren’t theirs, modelling on a hill that’s not even a tourist attraction, or talking about our future kids that don’t even exist. You can’t judge a book by its cover, you may say! OK, I’ll look beyond that, if there are people to look at! I don’t know if this is a market trend too, but about 80% of boys are only children on Matrimony, and several of them are over 6 feet tall. Is that all parents want? Just one tall boy in shining armour? What if he’s a stupid kid, didn’t you want another one for backup? Or are you suddenly strong preachers of population control, when it comes to your son? These are all questions I can neither ask the boy’s parents nor my own, as I probably wouldn’t have been born if my parents had that one boy.
I’ll be honest. My profile too has been rejected on matrimony. And the reason is either my reduced stature of 5’3” or my minimal education. I’m a short girl with a single degree, who started to earn at an early age, so I didn’t have the need nor could be bothered to study further. Sorry boys, if I come across as lazy or unambitious, but I can pay my bills and go without your money, thanks. But to please the US candidates, I might just have to do a Masters worth over 120,000 USD, for a guy I don’t even know. And if I start my Masters program now at 27, by the time I finish, I’ll either have 2 kids in my arms, for whom I’ll be on Maternity leave for another 5 years. Or I’ll be so busy, I won’t have the time to see my husband’s face, for whom I’d done this glorious Masters degree. And do a Masters in what? Masters in Please marry me, we‘ll earn over 200 K together or MS in Research of I don’t know what I’m looking for!
Now you may say a Masters is a need in today’s day and age, and I’m being ignorant by arguing. Fine! Then what about my sister, who’s got 3 degrees to herself, and is on her way to the fourth? Why was she rejected many years ago on Matrimony? For being too educated or for still studying instead of bringing home money? Too less ambition is a problem, too much ambition is a problem. The only way to know is to get my parents to create a prototype of a 3rd girl child, who in 25 years will have the perfect amalgamation of 2 degrees, 4 years of work experience, and over a 100K salary, because even in 20 years this matrimony will stay just as primitive, where they may even ask my non-existent sister her sub-sub-sub-sub-caste, till she can call herself a direct descendant of an ape!
Long story short, this matrimony thing is a big challenge for us individuals in the 21st century. Both boys and girls these days have grown up with the best education and resources one could ask, for over 20 years of their lives. I want a PS5, here you go! I want to go clubbing at 1 am. Sure, I’ll pick you up. I want to study for the next 20 years. Fine, I’ll pay off the bills. Kids these days are stuck up their parent's butts and refuse to leave home because of the so many comforts given to them. Our parents lived with four other siblings, so they know the meaning of compromise and sacrifice, in their mother’s wombs. They had like 2 bedrooms for 7 people, so even if you were pissed at your younger brother, you can’t slam doors at them! You just had to be friends by the end of the day, or else you’d be sleeping in the streets for the night.
So with urbanization and a broad upbringing, at 27 when you’re asked, hey do you want to marry a total stranger? Never! Are you willing to compromise on the person you have to spend the rest of your life with? Nah ! Can you promise to be happy, like how I raised you since you were a baby? No Dad, can YOU guarantee I’ll be happy?…
Matrimony is a cultural confusion, that pleases our parents who’ve been raised within boundaries all their lives and then married off early without too much fuss, but a restriction to the kids they had in foreign lands with unlimited freedom and choices! If you were so concerned about our caste, Mummy, then you should’ve raised me with such people. How is it that I never was made aware of this caste, when I hung out with my Japanese, Indonesian, and African American friends? If you wanted me to learn how to compromise, then don’t give me everything I asked for since I was a child, Dad.
We’re kids behaving exactly the way we’ve been raised. So if you want us to carry forward old traditions, start educating us about how you’d like us to practice our customs, our potential suitors and the selection process from an early age, or don’t bring us to countries outside of India with limitless privilege, just because you couldn’t enjoy it in your childhood, and then one fine day remember Grandma’s life lessons, and suddenly expect us immigrant kids to transform into orthodox mummies with practices dating back to the 17th century!
On a positive note, my sister despite some weirdos, some culturally rigid, some “I’m a cool kid, but my parents aren’t”, and some who go into a verbal coma when it comes to striking up a conversation with a girl, did eventually find a fellow 3rd culture kid on this very matrimony, and its been 3 years into a happy marriage. So, this process is helpful for all those introverts, those who’ve moved a lot and lost touch with exes and crushes, and those willing to trust this process without questioning it. We’ve trusted our parents with all our choices, maybe trust them one last time with finding our better halves. With a population of 8 billion people, there's gotta be someone for you, so don’t lose hope. But Bharat matrimony, instead of reassuring us with cheesy words like “don’t worry, there’s someone for everybody, and we’ll help you find your one”, instead quotes with “2.5 crore marriages happening every day, your one will not be waiting for you forever.” (I am not kidding!! Type ‘Bharat Matrimony’ on the Google search bar, to find their motto)… Encouragement to marry and market their services, with a subtle time limit. A strange quote from an odd service!
