Lifelessly moving along
I am trying something new today. I am dictating my Medium contribution directly on my phone, and while I am speaking, I am trying to think as well, which is a new experience for me, because dictating on the phone versus writing directly into Medium is a different experience.
Today I want to talk about the phase that I am going through, where I feel really detached from everything, and I want to stop doing anything and everything.
Gym, Pilates … missing in action
The first casualty was the gym. I don’t feel like going to the gym or for my Pilates lessons, and for the last three or four days, I have just canceled each one at the last minute, either citing office work or just general tiredness.
My gym instructor and my Pilates instructor seem to understand, but none of it is true. I skipped lessons because I just didn’t feel like showing up at either of these places.
Personal projects not exciting me
The second casualty was my detachment from the projects that I am doing. There is the studio project. I set up a studio some years ago, but I haven’t got down to making a single podcast or creating anything on that location.
I also have adopted a furniture shop where I am helping the small time business owner to turn his business around. In that business, I majorly manage the accounts and the marketing, and none of it seems to be going as planned.
It is very frustrating. Plus, I am losing a lot of money on the project, and so therefore I cannot afford to pay anymore into the project.
My gut feeling is that I should stop contributing anything more to the furniture project and just wrap up the studio. But I don't get down to doing either.
So I am just burning money, I am feeling frustrated and feeling overwhelmed.
Work not worship
Then when it comes to office, I don’t feel like going to office, but I show up in office every day because I am just fighting that tendency.
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I don’t want to be holed up at home, and being in office just makes me come alive because I get into action, I see people, I feel productive, and that is it.
There are days when I just shut down and I want to work from home, but working from home is a nightmare because then I want to take on more. My day starts early and never seems to end.
Worried with worry
I really don’t know where and how this is all going to pan out.
I don't feel like doing anything at all, and sometimes I feel that despite a good six to seven hours sleep, I haven't slept at all.
My head feels very heavy. It is not like heavy in a headache or a persistent pain in the head. It is just heavy, and for about one hour after that, I just feel that, you know, there is something heavy on my head.
It feels like when you haven’t slept for days. This heaviness lasts for the first one hour everyday.
After that, if I end up going to the gym or Pilates, even though I am doing intense gym training, I am still yawning, which means my body is asking for more oxygen.
And then the day rolls, everything seem fine, seems to get better.
I don’t know what to do. I am just confused. I am just scared. I’m just anxious. I am just worried.
I don't feel like engaging with anything or anyone long enough. I can't hold on to a thought long enough. I can't keep going on an activity long enough.
I start something and I don't want to finish it. I finish something and it doesn't feel like I have achieved anything.
I am scared
I want to walk away from all this, but I am scared if I walk away, I will never be able to come back to it.
It is causing a lot of anxiety to people around me, the people that work with me, my wife, my family, the people who know me, the people who don’t know me.
It is just, just, just so confusing.
