How to thrill your man
The sex advice and flirting methods you see in women’s magazines never fail to amaze me. Why are they always so astoundingly off the mark? I could write that drivel.
What the hell — I will write that drivel. Here are some bedroom tips, honed perfectly for the Cosmo audience (i.e. for one woman to do with one man — no other sex exists in CosmoLand).
1. Surprise him
Nothing’s sexier than an unexpected canoodle — and who wants to wind up in a boring old bed every night? No one I know, that’s for sure. Plan a delicious rendezvous, but make sure it happens when he least expects it. For example: when he’s at work; when friends are visiting; when he’s at a close relative’s funeral; when he’s choking on a wayward avocado seed; when he’s cheating on you by having sex with another woman. Slowly run your hand up his leg at any of these moments and he’ll never forget it.
2. Use potpourri
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Potpourri smells great, and just makes you want to unleash your inner plant. He’ll be so turned on by your botanical lure, he’ll be moaning in ecstasy even before he sees the extra lavender shoved down your bra. As well as providing a sexy, oh-so-scandalous scent, potpourri has a tantalising texture — simply fling it at each other for maximum pleasure.
3. Watch something sexy together
Nothing’s more sizzling than watching a dirty flick with your lover. What better reason to have sex than feeling jealous of some strangers having it in front of you? Don’t feel shy, we live in modern times and no one judges couples who watch porn (not like those disgusting single people who watch it). Some films have become famous worldwide for their nude scenes, for example The Crying Game, Life of Brian and Schindler’s List. So grab your remote, start tuning in and start turning on — he’ll love it.
4. Set him on fire
Is it getting hot in here or what?! By now you guys are going pretty strong, but if you really want to up the ante just sensually take a match, seductively lick your lips while you strike it, orgasmically gaze into his eyes and salaciously put the match to his hair. He’s never had anything like it!
5. Sacrifice a heathen to the ancient goddess Chari$$v\thra whilst doing the can-can and singing Jerusalem backwards
After all my years of dirty deeds, I can honestly tell you that sometimes, there’s nothing like the classics. This one’s an oldie but a goodie. I don’t think I need to explain. However, a helpful reminder: always make sure it’s a full moon. It may seem obvious, but on your road to O-M-Gasm it’s easy to get swept away in the passion.
…Not bad, huh? Go on Cosmo, give me a job. I’ll take a starting salary of £150k.
