Second Option
Have you ever noticed that you are always needed but not wanted, always a first option for their work but least priority in their sweet and funny moments? Ever felt betrayal when you are omitted publicly without any guilt in their faces? People say that they are being open to you on all matters but they are not. They will say that they treat you different from others. True! They treat you differently. Not in a good way though. Feeling alone is a bliss when no one pesters us by requesting to do their work in the form of help.
But we are soft-heartened ones.Here no one will understand us, not even our parents will understand us. You feel dumped by their silent actions but you cannot openly question them because you fear that your actions might make them to leave you behind. That feeling creates a lump in your throat and never fades. As you cannot trust many people to share your feelings with them, you will share your sorrow to your parents. The saddest part is your parents don’t understand this feeling. They think that you are being childish and this is not a big deal. They simply say, “This is not an issue to consider. It is just a small matter to consider. Don’t feel worried for such a meagre thing.” I am fed up with these words from my childhood. They will console you with their words but they don’t understand how I feel.
I was unable to understand the following words when I was a kid, but now I can feel it and experience it.
“You are not welcomed by all in their life. But you are needed to ease their work. you are not needed in their fun. But you are required to solve their problems. You are not required to be with them in their ups. But you are their priority to push their workload on you.”
The bitter truth is that we have no voice to speak for us to say “No”. Because we are not allowed to say here. It is not that someone is stopping us from outside. It is we who pull ourselves behind for those ruthless people. The fear that stops us from speaking is, “Will I be a bad guy if I say that their actions are hurting? Will I be silly to say that their small gestures make me feel omitted from them? If I question them ‘why did they do like this?’, will they realise their little gesture that hurt me deeply or will they take it as a chance to avoid me publicly? or in worst case, will they misunderstand me?
I don’t know. Because I cannot figure out what they are thinking. But I am sure that they are not treating us as their friend. If we give any compliment to someone or some thing, they simply say that we learnt the art of ass-kiss. We are treating everyone the same. And we don’t want anyone to feel omitted but the moment we bring everyone together, we will get omitted by them.
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I am not asking to be the centre of attention. I don’t want your fake praising. I just want you to realise your mistake. I want you to acknowledge that your little gestures are hurting me. I cannot bottle up my feelings throughout my life. I just want you to understand that I am also a human being with emotions. I am not a robot to do all your chores without any feelings. What hurts me the most is you are not trying to understand the cause of my pain and wanting to rectify it. You are just turning the plates by saying, “Sorry for giving work to you. Here after I will not give you any work.”
Playing the victim card is very easy. But knowing the truth and still wanting to be friends with you is very hard. It is true that we don’t know each other, yet I trusted you blindly. In return you made me realise that it is my mistake to be blind. You never trusted me. Not even for a second. Your words sometimes feel twisted when you speak about someone else when you are low. I never thought that you were speaking about me. I thought you felt bad for other’s behaviour. I never knew that other person was me. Even now my heart is feeling worried as I said those words out loud. But will you realise your mistake and treat me well? or will you play the victim card and treat me as a threat?
Well I am not new to be alone. I got used to it. I wanted to thank you a lot for reminding me a lesson. I got emotionally betrayed by many people who come to me as say they are my friends. They became so close to me. I blindly trusted them and put more efforts to make them stay by my side. Because I don’t have any friend. I was and am desperate to have a loyal friend. But you proved to me that there is no loyal friend in this friendship. May be that is possible for many people except me. Having a friend will create inferiority complex in my life. Because, a hungry person will feel delighted for some scrapes of bread. In the same way, a person who is desperate to have a friend will cherish few kind words from a self — centred person and does all the works they give without hesitating. I think I am like that person. Often I feel sorry for the Mahabharata character Karna. Because he also lost all his free will and life for a self — centred friend called Dhuryodhan.
If I say my feelings out loud, some of you guys call me a narcissist. If I dump my feelings within me, I might have met a psychiatrist. I cannot blame you. Because you are gifted to offer hurt to others. And you are doing you job good lately, especially with me. But I was cursed to do good even for those who hurt me.
After so many similar experiences, I finally understand that God is being jealous that I am caring you a lot. So only he is often taking people away from my life. And not letting anyone to stay by my side except himself. He loves to see me to speak to him not with others.
Those who are out there feeling the way how I felt, never worry. We are not alone. We are on the same boat. It is the almighty who wants us to be a bridge like him to connect the people around us with their dreams. We may get hurt with the experience but we should not let them to stop us from who we are. Lord almighty taught us to speak for us. Even though it is sweet or bitter, we must speak openly without any hesitation. If god wants that person to stay by our side, they will stay with us. No matter what. If they are toxic, then they will evaporate from our life. We are not toxic. We are a little possessive. We want them to value our feelings too. But they are not ready to do so.
Let them be who they are, and let us be who we are. We should not change ourselves for others. If you want to share your experience of being a second, don’t hesitate to share here. We are all on the same boat.
