“Delaware”
My backwards love story with a man I’ll never meet
It’s hard to believe that it’s been over five years since “Delaware” and I connected on AFF. For readers concerned if he got the cock ring off … he did. But I still make fun of him for it.
Of all the men I have fucked, sexted with, talked to, he is my ride-or-die. We check in with each other regularly… I start to worry when I don’t hear from him after a few days.
Our birthdays are within days of each other. He’s one year younger than I am but I’m younger in spirit.
He’s a solitary stoner who loves to tinker in his garage and drive his hot rod around.
In the summer, he always complains about how much work it is to open his pool for the season, but I also know how much he adores floating around in the water like a corpse.
He hates people, but he absolutely adores me.
I have no idea what he looks like (aside from his absolutely lovely cock). He, on the other hand, can probably draw my naked body in detail from memory.
We will never meet. But we exchange “I love you”s freely and whole-heartedly.
On paper, it makes no sense whatsoever. We have absolutely nothing in common (aside from being horny fucks) and I can’t stand his politics. There is absolutely no way our paths would ever cross in the real world. But here we are, years later… still checking on each other like neighbors who have lived next door to each other for decades.
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Not sharing information about myself was difficult for me when I got started on AFF. I wasn’t used to having conversations with strangers that didn’t include getting to know someone. “Delaware” was an old pro; he shared nothing. And when I did, he would always tell me not to give that information to anyone, that doing so only leads to trouble.
“Don’t tell anyone your full name” he’d tell me, followed by my first, middle, and last.
“Don’t tell anyone where you live,” he’d reprimand me after I dared him to come meet me. His text was accompanied by a screenshot from Google maps of my front door.
He scared me straight.
“Be careful,” he reminded me time and time again
He was my guide through the underworld of non-vanilla sex, hook-up apps, and meeting strangers online. I felt like I had someone looking out for me, that he had my back… despite our relationship not existing in the real world. He is protective of me, in a way no one else ever in my life has been, not even my father.
I once hooked up with someone who… skirted around the edges of consent, shall we say. Things I said no to somehow still got done and the experience left me unsteady and unsure in a way I had never experienced before. There was no one in my life I could talk to about it, except “Delaware”.
When I told him what happened, I could feel his anger seeping through our text exchange. He wanted to know the guy’s user name and all the information I had about him. He ranted about men who don’t respect women and sent a picture of his gun. It was an odd feeling to be absolutely certain that this man who I have never met would avenge me and protect my honor if I wanted him to. He also backed off when I asked him to, reassured me, and gave me the aftercare the son of a bitch who fucked me didn’t bother with.
How is it possible to be loved like that by a stranger?
It’s a backwards world we live in now. I’ve seen many a man’s cock before I’ve even learned their name, let alone seen their face. One thing I have come to realize, however, is that behind all of the posturing and performing people do on these apps, we’re all just humans trying to connect with other humans.
Despite our differences and the fact that we are still, in many ways, completely strangers… maybe “Delaware” and I just remind each other we’re not alone. For that, I’m grateful.
Originally published at https://sexontheside.substack.com.
