Motherhood and the redefinition of ‘success’
My best friend just messaged me about a job she got, with a huge salary. I should have felt happy for her — they have been struggling financially for a while. Instead, I felt a pang of jealousy.
We have two children, and we had our first at 25. Before kids, my husband and I made a similar amount of money. I was “successful” for my age — we both were. But when I took time off with my first, I stopped being promoted, while he continued to be. Then I stopped working completely with my second. I’m sure we are all familiar with the gender pay gap by now. This is not about that.
I love my children. I love staying at home with them. We made a deliberate choice not to send them to daycare, and I made a deliberate choice to stop working. So why do I feel like I’m falling further and further behind?
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This is what happens when we have a society that prioritises productivity, and glorifies ‘hustle culture’. We have defined success as external markers such as figures on a pay-check, and status in our careers. But what happens when you tie your worth to such things, and you become a stay-at-home parent? You feel like a failure. Because you are no longer meeting society’s definition of success. Does this contribute to the high rates of post-partum depression? Maybe — it certainly felt like it for me.
I do think this worsens with age — and this is not a dig at older parents. But the longer you spend working on your career, the harder it is to step away, even for a short while.
When I was freshly postpartum with my second, I attended a local mother’s group. I was the youngest one there by ten years. When the facilitator asked us what we did before children, one mother’s response was: “I used to be important”. Nobody bothered to tell her that she still is.
Of course, with the current cost of living crisis, many families cannot afford to live off one income anymore. But in a room full of affluent mothers who did not need to work, every single one of them was itching to get back to the office.
We must redefine what it is to be successful. For the sake of mothers, for the sake of children. A slow day at home with your child is just as productive as a busy one in the office. After all, you are nurturing an entire human, building their confidence, teaching them, and making memories of a lifetime.
