What If Marriage Isn’t Every Woman’s Prison?

For me, the daughter who always dreaded the idea of getting married and viewed it as a wholly restricting and conforming system.



I once believed that marriage was a curse. That it put an obligation to conform onto a girls' life. That it involved self-sacrifice and that it meant they were destined to a lifetime of conformation. Thus resulting me believing that becoming independent and building your life around a career and earning your own money would be the way to get out of marriage.



But recently I have been thinking...



What if every girl is not able to become independent?



What if she was raised in a house where she was encouraged to not speak up, make decisions or even trust herself. Her being the quiet child that never spoke unless asked. She overthinking everyday situations and always feeling anxious with decision making.



What if she was never taught confidence but always obedience.



We always tell women to become independent. To remove themselves from toxic situations, to be their own person. However, rarely do we consider how hard it can be for someone who has been raised in a way that causes doubt in their self-worth.



For some girls independence comes with time. Unlearning the years of being told to conform, overcoming fears, gaining confidence and realising it’s okay to have opinions, boundaries and dreams.



Independence is not impossible, however it varies how easy it can be.



During this process of finding who they really are they may question if marriage could change their life.



Not necessarily by giving them wealth, status or a luxury lifestyle. But providing them with emotions safety. Someone to be with. Someone who will encourage them. And give them freedom to be themselves.



Someone who will listen to them regardless of them shaking with nerves. Someone who will encourage them to study, work and explore. Someone who won’t see their lack of talking as obedience.



Giving them the feeling of being safe to disagree, make mistakes and live their life without always worrying about being judged.



Would marriage still be a jail?



Possibly not.



This may seem like a controversial view to take. And there is a reason why. There are countless numbers of women stuck in toxic marriages. Women who have to give up their ambitions. Women who experience emotional or physical abuse. And women whose families see marriage as a decision not theirs to make.



having a father choose who his daughters marry and force her to marry that person is not a traditional view. An arranged marriage without true consent is not independence. No woman should lose her safety, dignity or identity to save a relationship.



However I also believe we should not generalise all arranged marriages as going to fail. People can build trust, friendship, affection and love with someone they once knew nothing about. An arranged marriage with true consent and mutual respect can create a meaningful relationship.



The situation surrounding their marriage may not tell us everything.



Maybe marriage is not always a jail but lack of choice.



But I also don’t want to make it sound like marriage is the answer to everything. What if the person they hoped would help them recover is causing them pain? What if the home they move into is just another place where they cannot speak freely?



A woman may hope to escape a toxic situation by marrying but end up stuck in another. Plus leaving could be harder due to them being financially dependent, pressure from family, stigma and fear.



Marriage could change someone’s life but doesn’t guaranty a positive change.



This is why I always come back to independence. I don’t believe every woman should be alone and not depend on anyone. However I believe they deserve to have meaningful choices in their lives.



Perhaps we should reconsider what independence really means.



Why do we see wanting companionship as a weakness? Why do women have to prove they can be independent before we let them want someone? Why is it so hard to realise that women can be ambitious and want to get married? Or be independent and want to be looked after?



Women can have their own identity and still fall in love. Have a career and still want a family. Be strong and still value having someone by their side.



Wanting love does not make a woman weak. And choosing not to get married does not make her incomplete.



Also for women who don’t have the same opportunities, money, emotional support and independence it can be easy to tell them to leave their toxic home. As you don’t have to worry about where they will go. It can be easy to tell a woman to become independent as you have never felt the fear of making decisions after years of being told you can’t.



Not every woman is the same. We cannot judge their decisions without knowing their situation.



However we must never use their situation to make them think marriage is their only option. They deserve to have opportunities outside of marriage. Education, financial stability, supportive communities and the chance to find out who they really are without needing someone to validate their existence.



Perhaps what some women need is safety, encouragement and freedom that they hope marriage will provide. And that shouldn’t be dependent on them getting married.



I still find it difficult to see marriage in a positive light. Knowing how restricting it can be for women and understanding why many women choose not to get married. However I am learning that one persons experience does not determine another’s future.



Marriage could be a jail for one woman but a partnership helping her grow for another. Or single could be the most fulfilling decision for someone.



None of these women should have to defend their decision.



And this is what I have been trying to understand.



A woman shouldn’t have to get married to escape her situation. Or not get married to prove she is strong.



They should have the freedom to make their own choices. Build their life and have the dignity to change their mind.



The aim was never to make every woman independent from love. But free to chose love.



Maybe marriage isn’t every woman’s jail.



Maybe the real jail is a world that always tells women how their lives should be.



And maybe freedom starts when we stop asking women if they want to get married and ask if they are really free.



As life is complicated enough for women already, the least we can do is not make their choices a battle.