Parody Time
Because sometimes it’s good to laugh at ourselves!
I saw this question in a facebook vegan group: “What is the vegan way to deal with fleas on my kitty cat?” and invited my friends to come up with parody answers.
Enjoy. (And remember it’s parody).
A pragmatic vegan
- “Well, I don’t really care about fleas, and would rather get them off my cat to my best and as ethically as I can. Whoops. Does that make me more speciesist / less vegan?”
- “Flea powder!”
- “Vegan flea powder!”
- “Just kill them fuckers.”
The ambivalent non-vegan vegan: — “That’s why I hate vegans.”
The ambivalent non-vegan vegan with no creativity: - “That’s why aliens don’t talk to us.”
Vegan Strategist: — “I think we should get more vegan flea powder more readily available in every shop first. This will then make people understand animal rights and society will change.”
Hypocrite vegan
- “I know of a place that sells flea-powder but there are no vegan food places on the way there. Oh well I don’t want to go out of my way so I’ll just grab a dollar-hamburger on the way.”
Straight-Edge Vegan
- “Blood is a crutch! release yourself from the intoxicating ebriety of sucking a lifeform! break the chains! purify your body from the poison that keeps you enslaved! flea youth out of step with conformity! dare to break free!”
A DxE vegan
- “It’s fleas. It’s not violence… Until all fleas are free.”
- “HEY FLEAS LOOK AT THESE SIGNS: YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR SUCKING THE BLOOD OF THIS INNOCENT CAT YOUR PLEASURE THEIR MISERY”
An “Abolitionist” Vegan
- “Why do you even have a cat in the first place? You enslaver.”
- “Let’s sit down and very much *want* the world to be vegan, and then all the problems will be solved”
- “The root of all evil is the fact that fleas are parasites to cats which are property of humans. Until we abolish the status of property of non-human animals and phase out the existence of these adulterated unnatural domestic races we won’t be able to solve the problem. Vegan outreach and convert people to veganism is the only way to go about it. How many people could you have converted to veganism if you weren’t worrying about fleas?”
Academic “Abolitionist” Intersectional vegan: — “Clearly, you did not bother considering the cultural appropriation of using powder to treat what you, in your position of unchecked privilege, regard as parasites. You are a misogynist racist.”
Impractical/Dogmatic Vegan
- “I have some flea powder on my drawer but it contains lactose and was probably tested on animals. I can’t use it.”
A pseudo-scientific, “woowoo” vegan
- “Coconut oil and willpower.”
- “But fleas are Natural. You’ll get bad karma and die a horrible death if you cause them suffering. You might as well just bash baby dolphins to death if you think killing a flea is acceptable.”
- “Dude, bad karma if you kill those fleas. How would you like to reincarnate as a flea and be squashed by some human-knows-it-all? Live and let live, dude.”
- “Vaccines have messed with your cat’s natural immunity and ability to defend himself! It’s all about hygiene! Stop poisoning your cat with dangerous chemicals!!”
- “You can buy a cd from that Avocado guy with sounds that resonate in a specific frequency that’s pleasant to the fleas third eye. Put that cd on out in the garden and draw a path with special chalk (available for €9.99) and all your frequencies will be flea free within [unspecified amount of time]!”
- “Cacao though, it resonates with the frequency of the centre of the galaxy in these like lines, science is all over this right now, and that will make the fleas in tune with the natural order and harmonious with the cat without needing to suck any blood.”
- “Why are fleas eating meat anyway, they don’t have canines!”
- “Yes they’re naturally herbivores here’s the teeth comparison chart…”
- “What is that cat eating? Vegan cat food? Meat based diets for cats makes their blood too acidic and that’s not good for the fleas. Be healthy and give your cat vegan food then the fleas will be calm and fulfilled with alkaline blood and won’t be as aggressive.”
- “Find a cat that is flea free. Take a small sample of urine from the cat’s litter box and dilute by a factor of 100 with water. Give flea infected cat three drops in his water dish until he becomes flea free.”
- “Make sure you use filtered water as you know water has fluoride in it and we don’t want to calcify the cat’s pineal gland!”
- “AND Dihydrogen monoxide was Given to vicious Dogs involved in recent Deadly Attacks.”
- “Dihydrogen monoxide:
* is also known as hydroxyl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
* contributes to the “greenhouse effect.”
* may cause severe burns.
* contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
* accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
* may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
* has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.”
- “Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
* as an industrial solvent and coolant.
* in nuclear power plants.
* in the production of styrofoam.
* as a fire retardant.
* in many forms of cruel animal research.
* in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
* as an additive in certain “junk-foods” and other food products.”
- New age vegan: — “Everything happens for a reason, your cat is making beautiful encounters with those fleas and learning a valuable life lesson, you just have to nurture them and trust the Universe knows best.”
- Deepak Chopra vegan: — “Fleas are infinite possibilities of quantum consciousness expanding the non-singular regulation of a destiny of unfolding energy and manifestations of subtle mysteries.”
- Anti-GMO vegans: — “Glyphosate traces and GMOs in cat food attack his gut microbiota and make them susceptible to flea attacks.”
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Conspiracy Vegan:
- “Wake up sheeple! They want to make you think they are fleas, but actually it’s nanobots from extra-terrestrial technology that the CIA stole from the aliens being held at area 51 and now THEY are spraying from the sky! Morgellons! WAKE UP!
Watch this youtube video, it’s PROOF!!!”
A skeptic vegan
- “Is there evidence to suggest that fleas have CNS and can feel pain or have any form of subjective experience? Bear with me as I scroll through pubmed and this database and this one and I read this meta-study and I write it on my skeptic blog and wait for what both the scientific AND skeptic consensus is on this matter.”
Pro-Science vegan: — “We need to develop a GMO based, nuclear powered peer reviewed formula that will make your cat entirely flea free. I think Monsanto is working on one. I love Monsanto.”
Effective vegan: — “Have you considered how many lives you could save if you spent the time it takes you to treat your cat leafleting about positive change and using a reasonable amount of the money spent on treating the flea situation to buy mosquito nets in Uganda?”
A Facebook vegan
- “The definition™® of veganism®™ as coined by Donald Watson is: the practice of abstaining from the use of animal products, particularly in one’s diet, and rejecting the commodity status of animals. Your question is not vegan. You cannot use the word vegan. Otherwise I won’t be served what I should be served next time I want to enjoy a fancy meal at a restaurant! Admin! Why is this person in this group?”
An Intersectional vegan
- “Harming fleas is a form of oppression you have no business as a white able cis-het European upper class to make their suffering invisible.”
A Veganarchist
- “Fleas are feral creatures and nature’s response to a deviation from its natural course, as cats are domesticated animals that are an error, fleas are here to correct that.”
- “Only when capitalism has been overthrown can we have a real response to fleas. Haha, you are quite naive to think that a capitalist company will sort out your cat’s problem.” + Conspiracy edition: - “The big companies WANT your cat to get fleas so they can keep selling their medicine. Wake up sheeple!”
- “No the big pharma actually created fleas so they could market flea treatment don’t you know anything! Educate yourself!!!”
A “Wild Animal Suffering” vegan
- “What is the most humane way to kill these fleas, is there any “humane” insecticide? What is the best effective way to prevent this from ever happening again? Does your cat also hunt? How many mice and birds did it kill past week? Have you considered euthanizing it?”
Celebrity Vegan
- “Since I went vegan, my cat’s been looking so much better and the flea problem disappeared. We are so much healthier and better looking. A few months later… Oh fuck this.”
Raw vegan
- “Put the cat on an 80/10/10 organic raw whole foods diet, mostly fruit, it will feel so much better and have SO MUCH ENERGY that it will just run for hours and the fleas will fall off harmlessly.”
Zany raw vegan aka orthorexia vegan: — “40 bananas per day, processed into digestible and varying dishes and served in small portions over a 16 hour period will enable feline and fleas to separate on friendly terms.”
- “Great idea but I’d suggest adding a sprinkle of organic cinnamon to the bananas :)”
- “Your cat has fleas because she is not a high carb vegan. Also, no offence and I’m only saying this because I care, but she looks fat.”
Miscellaneous
- “Make sure that flea treatment is locally sourced and organic. Vegans need to think more about buying very expensive natural products. Think I’m classist, maybe you should think about why you’re angry.”
- “Fleas have a right to live too, our family doesn’t worry about them they don’t really cause any harm.”
- “Yeah… Killing fleas and eating figs. Unacceptable.”
Hedonistic utilitarian: — “Is the pleasure of many fleas more important that the suffering of one single cat?”
Negative utilitarian: — “Is the suffering of many fleas more dramatic than the well-being of one single cat?”
Rights approach vegan: — “Fleas have a fundamental right to autonomy and liberty. You have a moral duty to prevent your cat ever getting fleas. Now that he has them… fuck I don’t know how to solve this paradox. Any utilitarian in the place to help me out?”
The funny vegan (aka David Olivier): — “What do you call a mad flea? A looney-tic. What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!”
Palm oil vegan: — “Make sure you’ve checked there’s no palm oil in that flea treatment! You haven’t? I can’t believe vegans are still using Palm oil wtf doesn’t anyone care about orang-utans and our precious rainforests?????”
Racist vegan: — “Immigrants brought these fleas with them, we had none before!!!”
Freegan vegan: — “Hope you’re not going to let those fleas go to waste, they’re an extra source of free protein. Think of the food miles for you mock meats! Just add some to your sandwiches”
Dumpster-diver Freegan: — “Let’s go to the chemist’s bin and try to find some flea powder! Damn my bike’s got a flat tire! Ok let’s walk to the local bike shop’s bin first!”
Dumpster-diver Freegan-strict-vegan: — “I hope we’ll have better luck this time at the chemist’s bin, last time the flea-powder had lactose in it!”
7th day adventist vegan: — “We do not disapprove blood transfusions between cats and fleas, you’re mistaking us with Jehovah’s!”
Well known vegan naturalist David Ant-in-burrow, marvels at the characteristics of the flea and wants to prevent this threatened species from extinction. Ant-in-burrow acknowledges the tenuous line between extinction and overpopulation due to the voracious sexual habits of this tiny wondrous creature. Night camera pans onto a flea family sitting at the Tail-end cafe on comfy cushions they’ve finely woven with their host’s hair. Mr and Ms Flea gaze proudly at their two even tinier offspring who are tucking into a lump of gelatinous reddish matter (which Ant-in-burrow hopes is some seitan -inexplicably toned with red food dye sans beetles) and say they have chosen to only have the two children due to environmental reasons & Ms Flea does do a few hours work per day at the home of another friendly host. Mr Flea tells how they spend their weekends pamphletting to spread the word about measures to limit offspring and educate on both the health and environmental benefits.
Episode ends with a beaming Ant-in-burrow who is clearly chuffed this important species has been empowered to make responsible decisions.
PaleoVegan: — “Gluten though.”
“This is not funny at all!!!!!! HOW DARE YOU JOKE ABOUT THE SUFFERING OF ANIMALS????!!!!!!”
The Troll: — “Bacon!”
