PATHS AND TRAILS
I write always from a place of emotion or lack of it. I feel too much, then I think too much. I analyze and then analyze what I have just analyzed. 🤦🏾♀️ I always want to be sure of where my mind is at it, if I’m thinking right or done what I’m suppose to. I eventually wear myself out and then resolve to the first conclusion I made. I have grown since though, found a way to control my impulses and to keep my mind from spiraling out of control. It makes it hard for me to write, to decide, to handle simple instructions and tasks. It’s like the more complex it is, the better, like I have an OCD of the mind.
When our paths crossed sometime in 2011 (I think), I was just blossoming, innocent, not yet unraveled and untouched by the world. We weren’t instant friends I think, we were friends of friends but somehow I would say we found each other and the rest didn’t matter (at least to me). We would walk long distance, talk about everything and the most absurd things, share the love of God and dreams and fears and foes 😂😂😂😂. We would eat together, sleep together, you would follow to me to the market, to church,(even when we went to separate ones), you would come to my programs and I yours. You’d show up at my school, go to events with me, come to anywhere that I was. Encouraged me when I was down and rejoice with me when I won. And the life started to happen to me and I hadn’t yet felt the full force of it but you were still there and I guess that version of me was what you held onto.
If I was being honest, I also preferred that version of me. I would smile freely, laugh from heart, I would say the darnest thing and not think too much about it, I would cry without guilt, curse without remorse, vent like a man and throw tantrums like a kid. I would be thrilled at little things, and get elated at the thought of a simple gesture. It was such a surreal time, we would go to camp together and I would pray with all my heart and then you were there. You know sometime I think the joke was on me, I had thought I would always have you, have my peace and safety and have an easy on life (it seemed so at the time).
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But when life would hit me, it hit hard. It was sudden and unexpected, I sure as heck wasn’t prepared for it. The days I was homeless, the abuse, the traumas that engulfed my sweet innocence, the shame of it and the guilt that followed. I couldn’t process it at all, then my mind started weaving, and my instincts kicked in. I felt like a child trapped in an adults body, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t speak but I just had to survive and that’s what I did. I survived. But I couldn’t share it with you, and what you didn’t know is that I couldn’t share with anyone either and that was when the habit of going through it alone started. What I didn’t know was while I was growing through all this, I started to lose you and when I wasn’t willing to share and I shut you out was when I really lost you. But how can I explain what I don’t even understand?
And then relieve came, well it wasn’t as bad as it sounds or maybe now not anymore but someone came into my life, gave me 2 years of awesomeness and in that time, I tried to re-live you in him and then I lost him and then it dawned on me that I had lost you again also. You know life never stops coming at you, you just get better at handling it, the years of knowing God got better as time passed. I am grateful for all those years, all those lessons and losses. My mind got better, I got clarity and then I fell in love with God all over again. Maybe someday if ever, I might tell you the rest of the story but I wanted you to know this just incase that time never came.
There was no memory of you that was faint, that was sad, that was bad. Everything about our friendship was the best, it was everything I wanted in a friendship. I may have made mistakes, but that’s life and sooner or later it was bound to happen but friendships and relationships are suppose to be the lifeline you hold onto in dire time, I know you wanted to be there for me but I guess I never learnt how to hold on, to depend, to ask for help. I had to first figure it out and be able to handle it on my own just incase the help I asked for never came through, I just had to make sure that I was going to be fine first. Trust me it was by default, it wasn’t intentional.
They say the life in your years are more important than the years in your life, you were part of the life in my years and I will always be grateful of having met you, I am so glad you are happy now, it was all I prayed for. I had to be sure you are going to be okay maybe somehow knowing that will pay for loosing you. God gave me three great examples; What love should be, What friendship should be and What grace should be. You are one and I will always hold onto that and never forget. I won’t replace you and I won’t forget you because in this path, we made beautiful trails…..
TheButterflyThatWrites
