LONGING
I read somewhere that, “once you lose yourself, you have two options: find the person you used to be or lose that person completely, because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you have to be and remember the person you meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.”
And that hit me.
I don’t know who I am anymore. There is this sadness inside of me that I can’t explain. Sometimes, it’s just me and my grief holding each other. Don’t get me wrong — I am not alone. I have amazing friends, and I am loved. But I have also lost something I truly loved. Ever since I lost it, sadness has lived within my soul, leaving behind a void inside me.
I am not proud of the things I have done while trying to fill that void. Somehow, every attempt to fill it has only left me with more guilt. And that guilt eats away at me.
If you saw me as a stranger, you would never think I was struggling this much. To everyone else, my life looks colourful, almost effortless. But that’s only because that’s what I’ve made it look like. They think I’ve had it easy, but if only they knew what it takes to be me.
Growing up, I have been what you would call the “popular kid.” From the outside, people think it’s cool because you get all the attention. But that’s the worst part: “attention.”
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Everything I did was seen. I had no privacy, and people wanted to see me fall. Sometimes, they used my name to cover up their mistakes because it was easier, since I was known.
I was known, but not really “KNOWN”.
Knowing someone’s name, knowing what they look like, knowing what they’re doing ,that isn’t the same as KNOWING them. Everyone saw a version of me that I wanted them to see, but not the version I needed them to see.
Maybe that’s why I became so guarded.
Maybe the hardest part of losing something is losing a part of yourself along with it, and then realizing you don’t even know who you’re trying to find anymore. Because you would have at least thought, “I know myself.”
But maybe I’m not trying to find the person I used to be anymore.
Maybe I’m trying to figure out who I am without everything I’ve lost.
