Three Little Things.
a reminder for us all.
I might sound a little (lot) boosting myself here as I will write about some thing(s) that definitely all about myself. Ha.
This time, I will share about my little basic rules in life that I want to at least, get near to. I have written those goals in my Twitter page and my last blog post (I guess).
Living in a world full of wonderful people are not easy. It’s even worse when you know that you aren’t even better than any of them. Well, it’s not like it’s not good being average as no one is perfect, but you see, I feel filthy for these three actions that I actually HATE but can’t really do much to actually diminish it.
Sadness.
“When this feeling come, it’s like pouring and screeching for free in every part of my soul. It’s like, they are being unwanted in my own body yet they are very comfortable living within it. Aside from that, I feel like this feeling will drown me into a sea of mourning and regrets and downfall.” — Fabiola Cintantya.
Fears.
Time is rolling and yet within second, I could stop moving. I could start blaming myself for the things I do wrong. Yes, I specify my life into two things (don’t ask me how I do this, school made me have this kind of thinking): true and false.
True — I’m doing good, I’m a nice girl, I deserve a praise.
False — I feel guilty, regret, sad, upset, and the list could go on and on and on…..
You could guess that when I do wrong, I blame myself. I blame myself for my failures in doing what I have planned to do to achieve my goals. I blame myself for the sadness of others because of me, which is sometimes, it’s not entirely my fault.
I blame myself because I can’t make the people I love to be happy
It’s kind of funny on how I could pressing myself for being happy just because I want the people I love to feel happy. I’m actually quite proud of myself that sometimes, I just let others to be happier than me.
But these days, I feel like I have….been troubling myself.
“People who always want others to be happy are not the happier.”
I used to laugh at that phrase because for me, when I could see them smiling because of me, I could already feel this MUCH of happiness within me. But what I didn’t realize that time was…
I was not actually that happy, wasn’t I?
Like I said before, I’m just SO DAMN GOOD at pressing my true feeling and act like everything is alright.
majoring in accounting? sacrificing my four years to learn something that I don’t really like but will be useful later?
I’m alright, everyone is glad right? Even I was the one who chose this path.
or
having my peer friends going out without asking me?
I’m alright, they have fun, don’t they?
I was not lying when I said that “I’m alright” but it’s not like I’m alright.
Laugh out loud. I’m so going to have an interrogation if my parents read these stuffs I write here. At least, let them read it when it’s time for them to read it; when I’m not looking, maybe?
This “I’m alright” phrase is my defense. My ultimate mask. If Thor has his own hat, why should not I own one too? I’ll be an epic cool girl.
But you know what, throw those sadness away in the activity that will somehow reduce it. It doesn’t have to be something pricey. Simple act like relaxing at home, reading a new book, jogging with friends, or have a little chit-chat with your loved ones are always be the sweets in your bitterness.
Believe me ☺
Arrogance.
“An arrogant person considers himself perfect. This is the chief harm of arrogance. It interferes with a person’s main task in life—becoming a better person.” — Leo Tolstoy.
Throwback.
I actually don’t want to bring this stuff up again because it makes me gloomy-sad-keep-blaming-myself-for-a-whole-day-not-even-pitying-my-head-for-being-dizzy-because-of-the-tears-that-keep-on-coming-from-my-eyes.
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The action is simple: I act like I’m the smartest girl in the whole damn world.
Well, screw nice words, being bad isn’t so bad sometimes, alright.
Arrogance kills the cat or at least, its drown you into an ocean filled with snobbishness (is this even a word, lol). If you feel like you have known everything, try beating Google.
No seriously, that’s how I punish myself for my idiocy becoming more arrogant each year. It may be one of my secret in healing — by torturing myself, yet it always works, heh.
This personality, I don’t care how it happens, how it builds itself up until I felt like this has shot me in a bull eyes. In a split of seconds, all of your acts will look all worthless because you felt like you’re better than others.
The feeling of being better always hyped everyone ups. Who doesn’t anyway? You’re better than others who actually aren’t so bad themselves. The feeling of being a winner are always good, admit it.
“I work with sweats in believe that I will do well in return yet this is not enough because I will always forget to do the easiest thing: being humble.”
One thing to be remember:
being a winner does not always have to win.
You’re the creator of your life; you live your life yourself and yet you know you will be the winner when you have achieve your goals (win).
Achieving the goals itself are better to not be a provocative to beat others. You need to kind of remodel your goals if it’s so. These goals are something that will make others better than before. It doesn’t have to be better than you because no one said to do so too! But at least, go set a goal that will make you notice the gems in others will be glowing better when you have helped them too.
Leave the one-sided-win games alone and be someone for others. It’s the kindest and one of the most nicest act you can give for the people around you.
But sometimes, the winner will feel like the loser because they don’t get more than a loser will get.
The losers might get: embarrassment, guilt, shame, sadness, etc. but it also might be: experiences, new friends, lessons, and just another colors to filled your white canvas!
The act of arrogance won’t get you anywhere but here.
but
The act of humbleness will get you everywhere but here.
Dependent.
“It was the feeling of security that makes you feel comfort. Depending. Let others take care of you, pin-point your paths, or even being a guide in your sacred life. It doesn’t matter how your future will be, as long as someone are there for you. Doesn’t this sound as nice as it sound?” — Fabiola Cintantya.
Independent.
You know, people are sometimes mistaken this verb as someone who prefers to be alone aside of being with others. To tell you the truth, it’s the opposite.
No one likes to be alone. Solitude might be preferable sometimes, but being alone?
Nope.
It will always be the emptiness that you feel like it’s better to be in a crowd where you know it’s not the best place you prefer rather than being by yourself. It makes you feel lonely. Lonely is bad. Bad-bad feeling.
I know for some people, being independent is not preferable because it leads you to being an individualist; but, it will be like that when you haven’t known what it is meant for being independent.
Depending on others are actually not really that bad. Depending are something that makes you feel secure and the feeling of security soothe you when you know that you can break anytime. When you depend on others, you know that you just can do it. You have people to support you, to catch you when you fall because not every people have wings to fly, they might have but stuck in learning how to jump and just try to fly. Just sometimes, you don’t always have to feel the coziness of being in someone’s arms. The pain you feel when you fall to the ground after the jump are something more priceless that makes you more human.
“Not every event in your life ends up with happy ending. It’s the same for every destined couple, they could just break up because some things are not tied with love anymore.”
Being independent isn’t something that makes you being an ignorance, it actually could proof me something. This something is that you’re also a unshakable individual for something you have believe.
When you depend on others, it sounds like you’re going with the main stream; going with flow. Again, it’s not bad going with the flow, going with the majority, when the majority is right for your stance, then being in the main stream would be the normative choice. But when you know that you’re more into the less-informative-person and you just swim to the stream because everyone says so, dang, what are you?
“Only dead fish go with the flow”
End of Story.
Honestly, I wrote this for weeks. It happened that I want to finish this tonight, as fast as possible, and it took me hours. I had some words-stuck in my mind as it was like a scattered puzzles but I’m so glad that I’ve finished this entry now. Truthfully, this is one of my favorite page of my journal in medium.com because I really put every emotions I have here. With this short page in my journal here, I want to remind you that these three little things might be little but it could damage something big in your life when its just counter striked you like a boomerang.
S e p t e m b e r — 2 0 1 4
D e p o k ,
Fabiola Cintantya.
