Caught Up in Clinical Depression
Caught in DEPRESSION and the whirling tornado of nothingness. I have found myself in a very awkward position this last year. I hit rock bottom (my lowest, maybe not yours). DEPRESSION has moved in like your elderly Aunt “Clara” who seems to stay way to long and do way too much. Depression and relatives get that 3-day fish smell. It lingers and almost never goes away, but neither does Aunt Clara. With either situation you are left with shame, isolation and a bad taste or smell.
Please don't think I am making light of a very serious and often debilitating illness, just brining a little levity to a sobering situation. I ultimately want to know, am I alone in the seemingly never-ending ups and downs? We don’t hear much about our very human battles with mental health and how we the diagnosed crawl dragging ourselves through a day. Well, I am here to take it out of the shadows, to engage with fellow sufferers, survivors and the broken. Don't you want to feel “not alone”?
I am going to be the first to start the check-in and give out squad hi-fives. I have been living in a dark place locked deeper than any underground cave. Depression has been my closest friend, my best pal, my compadre for the last year. I can think no worse relationship then the suffocation and toxic nature of our friend.
When you are caught up in depression, you are wrapped in heavy arms that way you down, not to mention the sheer panic & anxiety that you would find if you ventured out too far. Did you even ever know why? I didn’t? I assume I noticed the depression seep in slowly right in between the months of October — January. I was working in case management, and I lost a parent to suicide. I was not working as his case manager at that time, just a check in follow up. A young father lost to his on mental health and the system. Then the biggest trigger was the death of my mother in
January just after Christmas.
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I have never been a Cryer or a depressed person. I loved pranks and making people laugh. I was the one you hung out with for a laugh. I was never sad or down for the most part until my mom's death. Havening never experienced this before I thought I was just grieving. But the despair and hollowness did not disapear after time. I could feel no joy with things I loved to do before. I didn’t know why I felt this way. It was a hollow suffocating feeling.
I have heard a couple people remark that “shouldn’t
I be over the grief by now” or I “should just get over it”. I tried! I really did It didn’t work. I just kept shutting down more and more of my soul internalized. I stopped interacting online on any social media sites and definitely no writing sites. I just stopped being or existing for me it was an internal shell that kept the chaos of the world at bay.
I hate hiding. The daily fear of what people thought, and what they might whisper. I couldn't go where people were too much anymore. I couldn’t engage strangers, mostly I ran. You want to know what the loneliest part was, Hell, I didn’t know why I was sad or what my irrational fear was... Sometimes though I felt numb over anything. Apathetic about life, interactions and passions I loved.
I often sat at home huddled in bed wondering if anyone else in the whole world felt like me…
I have since started weekly therapy and am on a medication regimen that seems to be a successful combination. I still sometimes feel the darkness, but on those days, I pull out my mask and go forward. I fake it till I make it.
