Why I write
I first discovered writing as a way to release all my anger and pent-up emotions. It became one of my outlets to make life a little easier. A little background about me: I live in an authoritarian home where my dad doesn’t let me express myself because, to him, it’s a sign of disobedience. For example, when I reacted to him yelling at me for not knowing how to do something, he would curse at me and call me hurtful names. If I cried or made a face showing discomfort, he would see that as disrespect or disobedience. So, I swallowed every emotion I couldn’t even identify. I swallowed it hard, like I was swallowing my own voice.
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One way I coped was by daydreaming. I’d put on my headphones, blast music, and pretend I was in a better world where I was free. Then I discovered journaling, which apparently is a good way to relieve stress. I tried it, but at first, I was bad at it because I didn’t know how to put my feelings into words. I mostly just wrote nasty and negative things about my dad and family, blaming them for everything, and feeling hopeless.
Now that I’m an adult, when I write, it often turns into stories about my poor, sad life, like I’m a victim of everything. This made me realize that while writing was a good coping tool, it also sometimes made me feel worse, like I had no control over anything and that everything was doomed to be this way. I kept intellectualizing that my pain and anger were caused by them, which is why my life is a mess right now. The worst part was that expressing these thoughts often led me to regret writing them — I thought it would have been better to just write them down and forget. What was once my tool for freedom ended up locking me up and making me overthink for the worse.
But now, as I write this time, I want to answer the question: Why do I write? I am writing about these bottled-up feelings again, but this time I don’t want to feel sad or pathetic. I want to focus on the positive side that can lead to character growth. I want to read this later when I’m clear-headed and think about how funny my old thoughts were. I want to focus more on understanding what I think instead of just assuming, and try to see things with a clearer mind.
So yes, this is why I write now. Thanks for reading. May we all reflect, clear our heads, and keep our minds uncluttered. Bye-bye.
