‘The Writer’
…But I’m a writer? right?
I’ve found the feeling of being perpetually lost so tiresome & what frustrates me more is that it’s an entirely self-inflicted predicament. On the rare days when I wake-up and spend even the smallest amount of time practising mindfulness, being rational, organising my thoughts and putting things into perspective — I can have a least a good few hours of knowing that I am making decisions that are right for both myself & those around me. Granted I eventually succumb to my paranoid alter ego and the self-doubt sets in. However, that short relief is a vast improvement…& it’s getting marginally longer every day.
Part of this journey has been based upon trying to shift my focus from solely hinging my personal happiness on professional success. I’ve always believed achievement in a work setting would be my golden ticket to unlocking lifelong fulfilment — I would exude prestige; importance and be highly respected in society and by my peers. Laughable, I know…but honestly, I have to constantly remind myself that is an un-winning battle. It’s about trying to find peace within and contributing positively to those around me.
Ugh that makes me sound like some enlightened, entitled person…but I have had to somehow change my mindset, my hand was forced, I couldn’t continue in the downward spiral of negativity. It was destroying me.
It’s about baby steps.
Taking it a day at a time allows me not to get too overwhelmed… perspective has also greatly helped & I know we’ve all had a good dose of that recently.
Don’t get me wrong I am not completely void of professional ambition, but I am now choosing to put my priorities elsewhere.
As I previously mentioned I have gone through life trying to attach myself to a professional label…and I have had many guises over the years. One thing I would say is, my desperation for this was not aided by choosing to study one of the broadest degrees around — ‘Media’. Therefore, after graduation I quickly ‘freaked’ out, and regretted my further education choices. Almost instantly I gave up and started looking for postgraduate jobs in teaching…mainly to appease aunties and have a secure answer to what my future would look like (I am aware this isn’t how the world works).
I’d given up, quit, before id even started…before I’d even tried. Just out of university, a world filled with opportunity and I shut any potential media related job down. In fact, I was so convinced of my own failure I didn’t even apply. I clearly wasn’t going to be successful so why bother.
What’s so upsetting is that I loved so many aspects of my studies, there were many avenues that interested me and instead of allowing myself the chance to explore, I bet on my own failure. How sad, I pity that girl. But it’s a common problem.
We’d rather not have to face the fact that if we truly tried and failed. That we just weren’t good enough.
After successfully gaining a place in postgrad teaching…and then ultimately running from the future I thought I wanted & needed (I’ll go more into that later), I decided to go to my old faithful, something that had never let me down…the avoidance technique. I would work random jobs and go away travelling.
After years of ups and down and a multitude of different careers (there are many stories to be heard), I found myself revisiting something I knew I loved but had never fully tried…a career in media. I know ‘media’ it’s a broad stroke but ultimately, I found myself — through my previous life as an athlete — freelance writing & sports reporting.
The sad part is, I was so desperate for acceptance, that almost as soon as I started this work I informed everyone, you could not shut me up, I would have shouted it from the rooftops (if I didn’t live so remotely) just so everyone would know. I made it. I was the exception.
I updated my social media and converted my Instagram into a business profile solely so that I could have the word ‘Writer’ underneath my name. Don’t worry I am fully aware how incredibly pathetic that is. But this was it, I had the professional tagline I had longed for.
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Unfortunately, this was largely part of my downfall…
I had inadvertently turned something that I really loved into purely my occupation and I gambled everything on that. It turned my passion into something that held so much weight and pressure that I started to self-sabotage.
I wasn’t a ‘writer’, everyone has the ability to write. I was a fraud. I had just exclaimed to the world my professional prowess before truly doing the hard grind; I was masquerading as someone far more experienced than I was. I set expectations that didn’t allow me to grow, develop and I created a standard I was never going to reach. By jumping the gun, the pressure to succeed was stifling and it halted any future progression as I became so scared of not being good enough.
One of the biggest issues was the fact that as I mentioned before I was ’freelance’. For many of my peers they believed that it was just another term for ‘unemployed’. I was earning money, paying my way…but because they couldn’t visualise what I was actually doing and because the work was inconsistent, I felt more of a failure than at any other point yet I was reporting on renowned sporting events. I started to struggle with the peaks and troughs and although they balanced each other out I only focused on the negatives.
So I stopped trying, convinced myself I was no good and once again explored options that were of no interest. I literally constructed a roadblock for myself to stop any momentum I’d started to create with my reporting career.
You know it’s funny how much value we put behind the opinions of others and conversely how little time we actually spend thinking about the lives of other people. Yet, we make off the cuff comments that can sometimes be etched in the memory of that individual for the rest of their lives.
What’s more hilarious is that we can let the fear of what others think of us have such a profound impact on the paths we choose to take. We can let the potential judgment sculpt our future…when in fact a lot of what they think about you is often only a projection of their own insecurities and fears. I have also found this to be true in how I respond to others — its something to be aware of because it is a vicious cycle.
I don’t want to dwell on ‘what if’.
‘What if’ I had, had self-belief to try when I finished university.
‘What if’ I had continued with my writing business and understood that there would be ups and downs along the way.
‘What if’ I didn’t allow the opinions of others to affect me so greatly.
I don’t need ‘What ifs’ because I now know many things for sure…
I would have ended up here no matter what, life presents you with opportunities to learn and my greatest hope is that I can take these experiences forward with me, use them to inform my future decisions and give me confidence to try and fail. Because that’s what life is about. The ups and downs.
If you’ve made it to this point, you’re probably thinking…you were a ‘writer’?… I’m sure that your shock will be because of the abundance of grammatical and punctuation errors. But I was, I am and whilst it brings me enjoyment, I will continue to write.
That is not all that I am though.
…but I enjoy it and that is enough.
