Ten ways to practice wholehearted living | Part four

Dear Reader,

I’m writing ten posts on wholehearted living. This is the fourth one. In this post I’m going to share the fourth guidepost for wholehearted living from Dr. Brene Brown’s audiobook “Power of Vulnerability”.

Each guidepost has two distinct parts — An attitude we need to cultivate and an attitude we need to let go of. For example, the third guidepost was about “Cultivating resilience and letting go of numbing and powerlessness”.

This one is titled “Cultivating Gratitude and Joy and letting go of Scarcity and fear of the dark unknown”. I’m going to write six more posts in this series and I will share each guidepost through my lens of lived experience.

Thank you for your time and support. Let’s dive in.

Cultivating an attitude takes courage, patience and commitment. It requires us to dig deep and acknowledge that we lack something and admit to ourselves that we need to change something.

But, change what?

According to self talk guru Dr. Shad Helmstetter, our beliefs directly influence our attitudes, our attitude influences our feelings and our feelings in turn influence our behaviour and behaviour is seen by everyone around us. If we are not happy in a situation or a project, it is easy for everyone around us to sense it. Even if you are working virtually and never interact with your co-workers in person, a smart, observant, empathetic team member can detect your unhappiness. Faking , masking and avoidance only works for so long. External motivation , pep talk, carrots (or sticks) only work as band-aids.

For long lasting impact, we need to change our beliefs.

My mantra for change is to A.C.E it :

1. Agree: Clearly state what you will change (scope)
2. Commit: Clearly state by when you will change (timeline)
3. Execute: Add the change to your daily wheel of 24 hrs (discipline)

Rinse and repeat.

Let me give you a personal goal from couple of years ago — I wanted to be happier — and how I went about ACEing it.

At first, I did the usual things and failed.

I tried listening to uplifting , motivational speakers, read books on happiness (Thank you, Neil — you are a gift to humanity), being in the company of happy people, using the power of positive thinking , daily cardio exercises, sleeping right, eating well, the list goes on. Nothing gave me long lasting happiness. All of these were temporary spikes and would soon taper off.

But then, I stumbled upon the science of positive self talk and how to program my beliefs. I changed my belief from “I want to be happier” to something that changed me forever.

Nothing gave me more joy and happiness than the following beliefs:

“I am grateful” . “I am enough”

I constantly remind myself of these two beliefs. I do activities that reinforce these beliefs.

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And as I believed, so I have become. As you believe, you too shall become.

I have a lot to be grateful about. Starting with my family, work, colleagues, bosses (past and present), dogs, neighbors, neighborhood — weather in Phoenix and on and on.Thanksgiving, as you can guess, is my favourite holiday of the year. I can go on, but more importantly, let me show you how I ground myself to remain grateful.

Photo by Pro Church Media on Unsplash

Here are the 9 things things I do regularly (sometimes daily) to fill my cup of gratitude:

1. Feeling grateful is a choice — I acknowledge that my happiness is my business. It is my responsibility and I need to hold myself accountable.
2. Waking up with a prayer — As soon as I wake up, I sit on the edge of my bed, ground my feet and say a short prayer thanking the Divine — “Heavenly Father , Divine Mother, Beloved Friend - God, Thank you for everything.”
3. Expressing appreciation for small wins- You know that feeling when you toss something into the trashcan and it lands perfectly? Yeah! That’s the level of happiness I express for every small win of the day.
4. Kind self talk — I’m mindful of any overbearing self talk and replace it with kinder words, calmer language and a peaceful tone.
5. Understanding my Fountains and Drains — I have a list of fountains (gives me energy) and drains (sucks my energy ) and I choose to perform some activity that is a fountain for me and minimize time spent on drains. Becoming intentional about this has helped me understand my triggers as well.
6. Seeking opportunities to help someone — Helping others is a huge fountain.
7. Visual cues and reminders — At work or at home, it is very easy to surround myself with the peaceful music, pictures of my family, pets or plants.
8. Meditation — Closing my eyes, trying to sit as still as possible , focusing at the point between the eyebrows and seeking guidance from God and Gurus — has become a very satisfying and nourishing activity. Another fountain.
9. Stepping away and remembering what Joy felt like — Naming positive and happy memories has helped me reach into the past and pull out a good memory that instantly uplifts me. “Chill talk and Yo sessions with bro”, “Dutchbros with daddy”, “Grand Canyon hike”, “You’ve got mail”, “Sundays with RR”, “Windy Hawaii”. Name your happy memories.

Make your own list. Commit and Execute.

The second part of the guidepost is about letting go of fear and the dark unknown. It may seem obvious that all of us on this planet (except maybe a handful of mystics) don’t know the future. But, I struggled with ambiguity a lot. I used to think that controlling every variable in my control would bring me happiness.

Now, I acknowledge that control was an illusion and a shadow belief which made me a perfectionist.

I have replaced the programming of perfection , with a new program — I believe we are co-creating our futures in the present. I believe I will make mistakes and will learn from them and grow. I’m grateful for all the opportunities presented to me. I believe — I am enough.

This may sound simple to you. But it took me several months to get to this realization and to plant it deep into my value system.

What do you think? did any of the ideas presented in this post resonate with you? Please share your comments and help me co-create a better future.

Peace.