Dating as a Short Asian Guy: What Actually Worked for Me
I’m going to come clean — I’m 5’5, and I didn’t go on my first real date until I was 23.
Growing up, I was small, introverted, invisible, and honestly didn’t have many female friends. I couldn’t talk to a girl straight in the eye, and I kept romantic crushes to myself — believing it wasn’t going to happen anyway.
Like many Asian guys in the West, I spent most of my teenage years and early 20s focused on school and career, believing that if I worked hard enough, everything else would eventually fall into place. It didn’t.
When I finally started dating, I quickly realized that the advice floating around online rarely matched reality. Some people insisted I was doomed and should give up because I was short. Others claimed that all I needed was confidence. Neither turned out to be entirely true.
Over the past few years, I’ve gone on dates, entered a few short-term relationships, been rejected countless times, made female friends, and learned a tremendous amount about myself. I’ve written several posts in this blog about dating. I’m still learning, but these are the biggest lessons that genuinely made a difference.
1. Skip the Apps (If They Aren’t Working)
This might be controversial, but dating apps were a complete waste of time for me. During my time on the apps, I wasn’t getting any meaningful matches. Despite curating my profile, likes and messages were sent into the void. The only interactions came from scammers and bots.
Part of the reason is that dating apps create a very different environment from real life. The major dating platforms tend to have significantly more men than women, which creates a highly competitive environment for male users. At the same time, many women receive a large volume of attention and matches, which can make it harder for average men to stand out from the crowd.
The result is that dating apps often amplify a very narrow set of traits in men. They reward guys who photograph well. They reward height, conventional attractiveness, and the ability to capture someone’s attention in a few carefully curated pictures.
A person’s humor, kindness, ambition, intelligence, and personality — the things that often matter most after actually getting to know someone — are difficult to communicate through a dating profile.
As a shorter Asian guy, I found myself competing in an environment where first impressions were almost entirely visual. Meanwhile, almost every meaningful dating opportunity I’ve had happened in real life.
When someone meets you through friends, work, school, hobbies, or a shared community, they get to experience the full picture. They see how you talk, how you treat people, your sense of humor, your confidence, and your personality.
If the apps aren’t working after months of honest effort, don’t automatically assume something is wrong with you — it might simply be that the platform doesn’t showcase your strengths.
Some people thrive on dating apps. I admit I wasn’t one of them.
Ironically, I had much more success using social media to maintain and deepen real-world connections than I ever did trying to meet strangers through dating apps.
Instagram, LinkedIn, and even my writing on Medium have become ways for people to see who I actually am instead of judging me from six carefully selected photos. They could see my hobbies, my travels, the projects I was working on, the communities I was involved in, and the life I was building.
More importantly, social media isn’t targeted in the same way dating apps are. People aren’t opening Instagram or Medium thinking, “Would I date this person?” They’re simply seeing someone live their life. That takes away much of the pressure and allows attraction to develop naturally over time.
I also found it made reconnecting with people much easier. After meeting someone through a friend, a meetup, or an event, staying in touch on social media felt far more natural than immediately asking them out again.
Think of social media as an extension of your real life, not a replacement for it.
2. Real Life Is Still King
As I just said, nearly all of my meaningful dating opportunities came from real-world interactions — meeting people through work or school, friends introducing friends, parent introductions, sports clubs, professional meetups, interest groups, parties, and even the occasional respectful cold approach.
But there is a catch: you need to actually have a life where these opportunities exist. For many introverts, this is the hardest part.
People often say “just meet people naturally”, but they underestimate how much effort it takes to create those natural opportunities. You need to build communities, maintain friendships, and put yourself in situations where you repeatedly meet new people.
This did not happen overnight for me. I only had a few friends back in school. It took years of intentionally expanding my social circle to the point where I was regularly invited to events, introduced to new people, and had opportunities to meet women on a weekly basis.
I had to be proactive. I had to go to events and spaces where I didn’t know anyone. I had to start conversations. I had to approach strangers or reach out to people out of the blue. I had to be willing to ask someone out and accept rejection. I had to organize meetups and events.
I used to be more passive and waited for people to approach me and invite me — but I eventually realized that waiting meant nothing would happen.
However, there is an important balance: you cannot approach dating from a place of desperation. People can sense when someone is only there because they are trying to find a partner at all costs.
The most attractive people are usually those who genuinely enjoy their own lives. They have hobbies, passions, friendships, and interests that exist independently of dating.
Go to a sports club because you enjoy the sport. Join a meetup because you are genuinely interested in the topic. Attend social events because you want to meet people and have fun — not because every person there is a potential partner. When you genuinely enjoy what you’re doing, people notice. Your energy changes, and conversations become more natural. You become someone others want to spend time with.
The biggest advantage of meeting people in person is that attraction has time to develop. People get to experience your personality instead of judging you from a few photos and a short bio.
Even better are environments where you repeatedly see the same group of people. You naturally become more comfortable around each other. Inside jokes form. Trust builds. Attraction has room to grow. This is something dating apps simply cannot replicate.
People often say that you find your partner when you least expect it. I think there is some truth to that — but it doesn’t mean you should sit at home waiting for fate. You have to build a life you genuinely enjoy, put yourself out there, and remain open to new connections. Only when you create those opportunities and are receptive to them can those unexpected moments actually happen.
That mindset also changed the way I approached dates. Instead of treating every date like a high-stakes interview where everything had to go perfectly and lead to an outcome, I started treating them as opportunities to explore my city and try new experiences.
There were plenty of cafes, restaurants, hiking trails, museums, festivals, and neighborhoods that I wanted to check out anyway. So instead of asking myself, “Where should I take this person?”, I started asking, “What do I want to do this weekend, and would they like to come along?”
If they said yes, great — we shared a new experience together. If they cancelled or lost interest, I still went on my own. If there wasn’t any chemistry, I still discovered a new cafe, found a great restaurant, or explored somewhere I hadn’t been before.
That small mindset shift made dating much less stressful because I stopped treating every date as something that had to “pay off”. I was building a life I genuinely enjoyed, and I was simply inviting other people to be part of it.
3. First Impressions Still Matter (But Don’t Obsess Over Looks)
As much as we’d like personality to be everything in dating, appearance does matter.
The first few seconds of meeting someone are influenced by how you present yourself. Looking healthy, well-groomed, and confident signals that you respect yourself and take care of your life.
However, I think there is a lot of misinformation around “looksmaxxing” today amongst younger men. There are countless influencers online telling men that improving their appearance is the ultimate solution to dating.
Some of the advice is useful, but the problem is that many people take it too far and start believing that attractiveness is only about facial structure, height, or having the perfect physique. It isn’t.
Improving your appearance can help you make a better first impression, but it will not replace personality, confidence, social skills, and emotional connection.
You don’t need to become a fitness influencer or a fashion model. You don’t need designer clothes or jewelry. You don’t need to do cosmetic procedures or wear makeup. You don’t need to completely reinvent yourself.
But you should:
- Dress clean and well
- Have a hairstyle that suits you
- Practice good grooming and hygiene
- Stay fit and look healthy
For shorter guys especially, I would argue that looking athletic and proportional often works better than simply trying to get as big/muscular as possible. A balanced physique that fits your frame usually looks better than chasing extreme size.
The goal is not perfection. It is to show that you take care of yourself.
At the same time, I would caution against making the mistake of judging potential partners purely on appearance.
One thing I’ve learned from dating is that the most physically attractive person is not always the person who makes the best partner.
Some of the women who ultimately left the strongest impression on me were not necessarily the ones who immediately caught my eye, or gave me the “butterflies” on the first date. They weren’t stunners at first glance, nor did we have the perfect “chemistry” right off the bat, but I chose to give them more time instead of writing them off after a single date.
As we spent more time together, I began to appreciate qualities that simply don’t show up in a first impression — kindness, intelligence, humor, emotional maturity, confidence, and the way they treated other people. In many cases, my attraction to them actually grew over time because of the connection we built.
Just as you don’t want someone to judge you solely by your height or appearance, you shouldn’t judge others solely by theirs either. And this isn’t about settling or lowering your standards — it’s about recognizing that genuine attraction is often more complex than what you feel in the first five minutes of meeting someone. Sometimes the strongest connections are built gradually, as you get to know the person behind the first impression.
Physical attraction and chemistry absolutely matter. But the best relationships come from the combination of attraction, compatibility, shared values, and genuine connection.
4. Become Someone People Enjoy Talking To
This was probably the hardest lesson for me.
As engineers, we spend years learning technical skills. Nobody teaches us how to flirt, tell stories, make people laugh, or build charisma without constantly trying to prove ourselves.
For a long time, I treated dates like conversations where I was exchanging information: career, education, family, goals, politics… Interesting? Sure. Romantic? Not necessarily.
One thing I’ve learned from watching some of my friends is that attraction is not just about looks, height, or achievements.
I know several shorter Asian guys who are in happy relationships or consistently do well in dating. They are not necessarily the tallest or most conventionally attractive guys in the room.
But they have something else: They are genuinely fun to be around. They make people laugh. They tell great stories. They are confident without needing validation. They have a mysterious aura. They have an energy that makes people want to spend more time with them.
I’ve watched some of these guys date women that many people would consider “out of their league” on paper. But once you spend time with them, it makes sense. Their personality, humor, confidence, and presence completely change the equation.
Attraction is not a spreadsheet where people calculate based on height, income, status, and credentials. People are drawn to how you make them feel. That was something I had to learn.
For a long time, I focused heavily on proving my value. I talked about my work, accomplishments, and goals because those were areas where I felt confident. But while those things matter, they are not the same as creating a connection. People remember the emotions they experience around you far more than the facts you share.
Get The Wandering Engineer’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
Another mistake I made was confusing kindness with people-pleasing.
I thought being a “gentleman” meant always agreeing, accommodating, being available, and putting the other person’s needs ahead of my own. I was so focused on being liked that I rarely expressed my own opinions, preferences, or boundaries.
Then I kept hearing the same feedback: “You’re so nice.” “You’d make a great husband.” “I think we’d be better as friends.” Women would say those things to me and then start dating someone else. I knew what they meant.
Looking back, I wasn’t being fully authentic — I was trying to earn affection. There is a big difference between being kind and being a doormat.
Healthy relationships require mutual respect. You should absolutely be thoughtful, generous, and considerate, but you should also have your own life, your own standards, and the confidence to express what you genuinely want.
One of the biggest shifts for me was realizing I didn’t need to constantly prove my interest. I stopped feeling the need to reply instantly, rearrange my schedule at every opportunity, or worry whether every interaction was moving the relationship forward. I stopped sharing every thought or plan I have. I became more comfortable focusing on my own life and letting things develop naturally.
I also became more assertive. Instead of always asking, “What do you want to do?” or trying to accommodate every preference, I started making plans and inviting people into my world. “Let’s check out this café on Saturday.” “There’s a new exhibit I’d like to see this weekend.” If they had another idea, great — we could figure it out together. But I stopped acting as though my own preferences didn’t matter.
Ironically, I became less serious and more playful. Not because I was trying to play games, but because I was no longer seeking constant reassurance that someone liked me. Women responded much more positively to that version of me because conversations felt more natural and genuine.
The most important mindset shift I had to make was realizing that I did not need to appeal to everyone. Dating is not a popularity contest.
I don’t need to be attractive to every person I meet. I just need to find the people who naturally appreciate who I am.
There is a concept some people call “nichemaxxing” — the idea that instead of trying to become universally attractive, you focus on becoming the best version of yourself and finding the people who connect with your specific qualities.
I think there is some truth to that. Someone who values ambition, intellectual curiosity, fitness, and personal growth may appreciate qualities in me that someone else might overlook. Someone with a similar cultural background may understand experiences that another person may not relate to.
Personally, I had to look into niche spaces like research labs, technical conferences, professional meetups, and gyms to find those like-minded people, rather than going to bars, parties, or swiping on dating apps.
This does not mean lowering your standards or trying to find someone who will overlook your flaws. It means recognizing that everyone has a unique combination of traits, interests, values, and experiences that make them a better fit for certain people.
You do not need everyone to choose you. All you need is one person who genuinely sees you.
The goal is not to become the loudest person in the room or pretend to be someone you are not. It is to become someone who is genuinely interesting and enjoyable to be around.
Be curious about the world and about other people. Learn how to tell stories. Find humor in everyday life. Be playful. Express yourself. Show your personality instead of only presenting your achievements. These are skills that improve with practice, just like public speaking, interviewing, or any other skill.
The biggest realization for me was that I didn’t need to become a different person. I needed to become a more authentic version of myself.
Be unique. Be unapologetically yourself, while still being respectful and considerate. The world does not need another guy trying to imitate the latest dating coach or social media influencer.
You don’t want someone to walk away remembering you as “another short Asian guy”. You want them to remember you — your interests, your sense of humor, your stories, your quirks, your values.
The people who are truly compatible with you won’t remember your height or your race nearly as much as they remember how you made them feel and what made you different from everyone else they met.
5. Yes, Money and Status Matter — But Not in the Way You Think
One of the most common pieces of advice I hear as a short guy is: “Just make a lot of money, and the women will come.”
There is some truth to this. If you’re thinking long-term — marriage, raising children, buying a home — financial stability absolutely matters. Especially as a shorter man, having a successful career and demonstrating ambition can strengthen your position as a potential long-term partner.
But here’s what I had to learn: Money alone rarely creates chemistry.
It might get someone interested in your profile. It might make someone see you as a responsible partner. But it won’t make someone excited to spend hours talking with you. It won’t make someone laugh at your jokes. It certainly won’t create an emotional connection.
I have seen some men who focused almost entirely on career and finances, then wondered why they kept attracting people who seemed interested only in their lifestyle, or kept getting into relationships that were mostly transactional.
In some cases, money even became their primary love language. The only way they knew how to express affection was by buying expensive gifts, paying for lavish experiences, or simply sending money directly. While generosity is a necessary quality, it should complement a relationship — not become its foundation.
But often, we attract what we show. If the main things you present are your income, your job title, your car, your house, and your achievements, then those are naturally the things people will notice first. If money becomes your primary way of expressing interest, don’t be surprised if you attract people who primarily value what your money can provide.
However, what I think people often confuse with money is status. Not status in the sense of luxury watches, expensive cars, being the boss, having a prestigious job, or trying to impress strangers. I mean the kind of status that comes from being respected by the people around you.
One thing I’ve consistently noticed is that I tend to receive more attention when I’m leading rather than simply participating.
When I’m organizing an event, leading a project, introducing people to one another, or naturally taking charge within a friend group, people seem more interested in talking to me. I’ve had similar experiences in clubs, organizations, and social gatherings where I was one of the organizers or leaders.
I don’t think it’s because people are attracted to authority itself. Rather, leadership naturally showcases qualities that are attractive in any relationship: confidence, initiative, decisiveness, communication, and the ability to bring people together. Those qualities are difficult to show through a dating profile, but they become obvious in real life.
Anyone can say they’re successful. But not everyone can make the people around them feel welcomed, included, and excited to be there. That is a different kind of status — one that isn’t bought, but earned.
Don’t pursue money and success because you think it will magically solve your dating life. Pursue it because it allows you to build a life that you’re genuinely proud of.
Have hobbies. Maintain friendships. Take initiative. Volunteer. Lead projects. Organize events. Be someone who creates opportunities instead of simply waiting for them.
Your partner should be attracted to your life — not just the benefits that come with it.
At the same time, don’t be afraid to be generous. Plan thoughtful dates. Treat people well. Put effort into making someone feel valued.
Generosity is different from trying to buy affection. The goal is not to use money and status to compensate for a lack of connection.
The goal is to build a life that naturally attracts the kinds of people you want to share it with.
6. Don’t Ignore Culture and Geography
This is something people rarely talk about honestly.
Dating is not the same everywhere. Culture, social norms, demographics, and expectations all influence how people meet and what qualities are valued in a partner.
I’ve personally found dating other Asian immigrants — or people from similar cultural backgrounds — to be noticeably easier. Even if they were born and raised in the West, there is often a shared understanding around family values, education, career expectations, and the immigrant experience. There are certain parts of my background and personality that are easier for someone with similar experiences to understand.
I’ve also known many immigrant men who eventually found partners in their country of origin or elsewhere abroad. That’s not admitting defeat. It’s recognizing that different environments reward different qualities.
Someone who struggles in one dating environment may thrive in another, not because they suddenly became a different person, but because the people around them are more compatible with who they already are.
However, moving somewhere else or dating a different culture is not a magic solution. You still need to become someone who is enjoyable to be around. You still need confidence, social skills, and emotional maturity. A different country or culture can create new opportunities, but it cannot replace personal growth.
There is also a danger in approaching international dating the wrong way. Some “passport bros” treat it like a shortcut where their only advantage is having a Western passport, higher income, or a different nationality.
But if the main things you bring to a relationship are money, status, or the opportunity for a better life, you risk creating a relationship based on those things rather than genuine connection. A partner should want you, not just what you provide.
The same principles still apply anywhere in the world: Build an interesting life, develop your personality, treat people well, and create genuine connections. Find communities where your values and personality are appreciated.
At the end of the day, dating is not about finding a place where everyone will accept you — no one is universally attractive. It is about finding the people and environments where the best version of you can be seen.
If you’ve struggled in one environment, it does not necessarily mean you are incapable of finding love. Sometimes it simply means you have not yet found the people who appreciate what makes you different.
The Biggest Lesson
Looking back, I realize how much my mindset has changed.
For a long time, I believed I was fighting an uphill battle because of my height. I thought being a short Asian guy meant I was either doomed or I had to compensate in other ways.
The solution seemed obvious at first: make more money, become more successful and accomplished, become nicer and have more things to give, become someone who was impossible to reject.
And while ambition, success, and kindness are admirable qualities, I eventually realized that they cannot be substitutes for confidence, connection, and a fulfilling life.
Over the years, I went through many ups and downs. I’ve had moments where I genuinely wondered if I was doomed to be single. I’ve fallen for women who were not right for me, sometimes because I was attracted to the wrong things or because I wanted the relationship to represent something about my self-worth. I’ve also had opportunities that looked good on paper but did not feel like genuine connections.
The biggest improvements in my dating life did not come from becoming richer or more successful in my career. They came from building my own unique life where I am happy, becoming more social, learning how to connect with people, improving my appearance and confidence, expanding my social circle, and putting myself in environments where relationships could naturally develop.
Most importantly, I stopped believing that my height determined my fate. Yes, being a short Asian guy can make dating more challenging. Some people will reject you before they ever get to know you. That’s just reality. But reality is not destiny.
If someone had told the 18-year-old version of me that I would eventually have female friends, go on dates, receive compliments about my appearance, and feel genuinely optimistic about my future, I probably would not have believed them.
I was a late bloomer. But being a late bloomer does not mean you are destined to stay behind forever. People can change, grow, and become better versions of themselves at any stage of life.
Do I wish I had started earlier? Of course. Dating was a skill I had to learn, just like anything else. It was not something I could postpone forever and expect to magically figure out later. Whether I started dating at 16, 25, or 30, I would have had to go through the same process: putting myself out there, experiencing rejection, learning how to communicate, understanding what I wanted, and becoming a better partner. The only difference is that by waiting, I missed opportunities to learn earlier.
So to my fellow short Asian guys who are still holding themselves back because they feel unattractive: Don’t wait until you think you are “ready”. Don’t wait until you are richer. Don’t wait until you look perfect. Don’t wait until you feel completely confident. Go out and start now!
Put yourself in situations where you can meet people. Learn through experience. Improve along the way. Because waiting does not make dating easier — it only delays the lessons you need to learn and the opportunities you might have had.
You are not defined by your height, your past experiences, or how late you started.
And dating is not a journey that ends once you find someone. Relationships require continued growth, communication, and effort. Finding a partner is only the beginning of building a life together.
I am still searching for the right relationship. I am still learning. I am still improving. But I am no longer standing still.
And sometimes, that is the biggest victory of all.
