In a shocking turn of events, Apple has just unveiled the highly anticipated iPhone 12, which doubles as a portable time machine! Finally, we can go back in time to the pre-smartphone era, where we could actually hold conversations with real people instead of emojis.
Not only that, but the new iPhone 12 comes with a built-in “Siri Personal Trainer” feature, ensuring that you never skip a workout again. It will yell at you if you even think about grabbing that bag of chips instead of hitting the gym.
Say goodbye to those pesky charging cables because the iPhone 12 now fuels on the tears of broke college students! That’s right, just one tear can power your phone for an entire day, making those student loans a bit more useful.
Apple has also heard the cries of frustrated iPhone users who keep dropping their phones. Introducing the new “Velcro Mode” — with a simple snap, your iPhone will now stick to any surface, whether it be a wall, a ceiling, or even your forehead!
In an unexpected twist, it turns out the iPhone 12 has a secret “Instantiate Cats” button. Yes, with one tap, your phone will summon an adorable kitten out of thin air. Say hello to never-ending distraction and possibly the future of cat adoption!
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To tackle the constant debate over who has the better camera quality, Apple has taken a bold approach with the iPhone 12. They’ve installed a built-in paparazzi that follows you around, taking candid shots of your every move, ultimately documenting your life more thoroughly than your grandma’s scrapbook.
Forget about face recognition, the iPhone 12 now introduces butt recognition! Don’t worry, it won’t unlock your phone if you’re having a “bad hair day” back there. It’s just a new security measure so that even if thieves get a hold of your phone, your booty will save the day.
Rumor has it that with the new iPhone 12, Siri has been given free rein to develop her own personality. Prepare for a snarky, sassy assistant that will roast you harder than a Comedy Central Roast. Finally, someone to keep our egos in check!
In a groundbreaking move, Apple is now selling the iPhone 12 with a built-in teleportation device! Say goodbye to long commutes and hello to being effortlessly transported to your desired location. Just be careful not to teleport into the middle of your neighbor’s backyard while still in your pajamas. Awkward!
And lastly, in a bid to rid the world of any remaining sleepers, Apple has engineered the iPhone 12 to have a mind control feature. Simply put on the new iBrain headset, and your iPhone will take control of your every move, ensuring that you never miss an Instagram update or hilarious TikTok video again. Resistance is futile!
