Whose Happiness is This?
by Tim Horn
There is a wonderful story about John Lennon. Undoubtedly you’ve heard it, but it really resonates with me when I’m dealing with young students and their parents. One of his teachers asked a simple question that many teachers ask.
“What you want to be when you grow up?” When you look at that question you can see that elements of it could be very positive. You as a child may have dreamt of being a superstar athlete, a firefighter, a policeman, a fashion designer, or President of the United States. All of these are noble goals.
Embedded in the question is a filter that ferrets out whether it is a worthwhile goal. Why do you want to be those things? It is vitally important to determine goals in your life that, when accomplished, truly allow you to feel as if you have lived the best life possible. The “why” is all-important.
John Lennon clearly had a greater understanding of the nature of the question than his classmates. He wrote down that when he grew up he wanted to be happy. When his teacher saw the answer she told him he did not understand the question. John Lennon said, “no, you do not understand life.”
There is incredible wisdom in that. As I was growing up, I worked hard to get acceptance from my family. As I said before I was viewed as a lesser son. Comparisons between my brother and me did not particularly bother me. Who would not want to be like my brother Tom?
We were both born in November 3 years apart. As I was trying to establish my own identity even my birthday was co-opted by my older more talented brother. My mother would organize one birthday party that my brother and I would share.
As I think about that, I realize that I must define what talent is. He was a better athlete than I. In terms of academics, his grades tended to be higher. For some reason I was blind to my own talents. With that being said, I was better at making friends than my brother. As I struggled from a young age, I tried to form relationships with his friends. As my confidence grew and my realization that I had a special and unique identity became solidified, I ventured out and created my own friendships.What was special about them was the fact they were created on my own terms.
While I was in school I found many friends who share my interests. Even as a nine-year-old I had a distinct interest in politics. Some of this came from my father’s involvement in the areas government. He was the Chairman of the Planning Board in Camillus, New York.
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It was not the positions he held that kept me interested, what did keep me interested was how engaged he was and how it seemed to bring him such joy. He was an exceptionally good salesman for 3M company. Every year he would win different awards and he was even selected to train other salesmen. That was his job. His joy was interacting with the politicians in the area to try to improve the quality of everyone’s life in the community. He wanted to give back.
When he passed away in 2008, my sister and I were tasked with going through the house and preparing it for sale. In a hidden alcove just off his bedroom we found campaign pamphlets from 1966 that he used when he ran for Councilman in the Sixth Ward. He lost that election but I remember how happy he was when he was running.
That taught me an incredible lesson that to this day I share with my friends and clients. At the end of the day as long as you have done the very best you could to accomplish your goals and help others you can sleep the sleep of the just. To do that you must be true to your own purpose and happiness. The most important aspect of that sentiment comes down to this: you must be the most important person in your life.
Your happiness must be your paramount concern. When family, friends, and coworkers come to you asking for help, you want to give to them without resentment. When you allow yourself to be depleted and someone comes to you and you feel obligated to help him or her, you have no energy left and resent the asking.
On the other hand, when you give from a sense and feeling of abundance, you can fully feel satisfied with the gratitude they showed toward you. When you make yourself the most important person in your life you prepare yourself to take care of the people around you.
I was working with a support group who collectively were overcoming issues that previously prevented them from moving forward. I spoke to them about being happy. One of the members of the group asked me what happiness was. One of my favorites saying is “if you define something you naturally limited it.” If I had told that person what happiness was I would only be telling them from my own skewed singular perspective.
Everyone’s happiness must be his or her own. I took joy in seeing my father so happy but eventually my interest in politics waned because it was not my own. I still took pleasure handing out literature and having discussions about the events of the day but that pleasure is my own.
We cannot determine for anyone else what makes him or her happy. This has been one of the most difficult lessons to learn for the parents I have helped as they improved their relationships with their children. You cannot live your life through your kids. I could not have sustained happiness by doing what my father wanted me to. We spend our whole lives establishing our own identities and if they are not congruent with what we truly are we sabotage ourselves.
I taught an exceptionally bright student several years ago. He had placed well in a national academic competition the previous year. He worked for the rest of the year to improve his standing against the nations other gifted students. The school where I was teaching was filled with excellent students. After placing in the top 20 nationally, this gifted student lost at his home school. With all the work he had put in to move forward his entire identity was fused with success in that competition.
In what turned out to be one of the most difficult days of my teaching career, I watched him cry and apologize to his mother for not doing better. I soon discovered that his mother had invested her time, her effort and her ability to be happy in the hands of a 12-year-old child. When the house of cards collapsed the damage done was clear to everyone.
There is a delicate balance that must be maintained between creating guardrails for children to protect them and monorails that lead them in the direction their parents want them to go.
The damage when the balance is not achieved can be long lasting. The rewards when achieved are happiness for all involved.
