The one I lost
I noticed how she avoided my eyes. I noticed the way she avoided me. I thought I wouldn’t see her again. I thought that seeing each other but still choosing not to talk would not make her suffer like the previous day.
The previous day when we were just away from each other by another passenger in the taxi, I noticed her trembling hand. I always did. I saw and knew immediately she was having one of her panic attacks again.
At that moment, all I wanted to do was hug her and tell her that I will always be there and that she is absolutely alright. I wanted to tell her to breathe, I wanted to take her hand in mine and squeeze them tightly so she could feel relief, so she could stop shaking.
But I did not do any of these things.
I chose silence. Silence chose me.
How could I hold her even after knowing that she was suffering, she was having a panic attack merely because of my presence.
She used to text me repeatedly even after that last fight. She had written “ily” and “imissyou” a hundred times. And I knew she meant each one of them, she always did.
The sad part was I love her too and but I still couldn’t say it to her. I didn’t dare to open my heart to her again after I pushed her away. I was the one who chose to stay away from her. She tried to hold onto every broken string which tied us together. I was not strong enough. So I pushed her away but she still did not give up. She kept trying and trying until she was tired. She will never know how much it broke me to make her suffer like that.
We fought earlier too. A lot. But we never called it the end. We agreed on the fact that every relationship goes through fights and misunderstandings but the love is always strong enough to forget them all. But why did it feel different this time? Like I could not forgive her even if I wanted to.
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Do I love her less now?
She did not. She kept begging for forgiveness even though it was not entirely her fault. I did nothing. I went numb for what reasons I do not know.
I do not miss her even if we haven’t spoken for like 4 months now but she is just there. There is no yearning but just a reassuring feeling in my mind that no matter what she will never leave.
But it felt different on the last day at school. She hadn’t cut me down. She hadn’t blocked me. She was there but not there at the same time.
I saw her last day at school in the last period. We were going back to our homes. School was done. She was standing with her friends laughing and looking for another friend I guess. She looked the same but happier now. She had trimmed her hair for I noticed the length of her ponytail had decreased.
And suddenly as she turned around our eyes met. She looked at me through the glasses of her spectacle. I thought she would be happy, relieved and would be surprised to see me after such a long time. But before I could read her eyes, before I could figure out if she truly was happy to see me, she turned her head back fully.
I thought she would turn again maybe to check if am still there or not. I waited. I waited. But she did not turn. She had her back to me all the time.
I thought we still had a chance to meet as we shared the same route to our house. So I started walking thinking when she catches up, maybe I could initiate the conversation by a small ‘hi’.
I was walking practicing how I should say hi after ignoring and hurting her all this time.
And then I heard her voice again. I searched for her giggle and saw her walking home with her friend on the other side of the road.
She had chosen the other road because she knew I would take this one. She chose to stay away from me. I lost her because of me.
At that moment, all I could think was, “WHY DID I LET HER GO? WHY DID I PUSH HER AWAY? WHAT HAVE I DONE?”
