Short Takes
As I age, I find I could be a stunt double for Disney’s Dumbo, the big-eared flying elephant. My ears have grown larger, and my feet, too, have blossomed to a size 12 4E. My classy Nunn Bush tassel loafers (size ten) from the 70s sit idle in my closet. Gravity and aging make everything bigger: ears, nose, and feet. The clincher is, sadly, that not everything gets larger, particularly manly man parts. Similar to over aged fine wine, there’s no pop left in our corks. A man’s, Mr. Johnson comes with diminishing returns with this aging thing, and can ruin a fellow’s reputation.
I’m considering starting a publication in my fifty-five-plus community, called the Geezer Press, with an audio podcast edition for those with failing eyesight and a large-print version for those with good eyesight but trouble hearing.
Topics would range from:
Why you should drive in the non-passing lane.
Why you should not drive.
Who taught you to drive? A blind Cockatoo? *Copyright: Clark Hoyt, former shoe salesman turned jokester.
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Why your spouse is fed up with you, and your annoying little tics.
Turning off your turn signals after a lane change.
Driving the speed limit or faster.
Keeping in mind that when turning off a thoroughfare, you are not driving a yacht, and turns should not take a full minute.
How to avoid creating tension in the checkout line by not sharing your latest surgery results with the cashier, or digging for the correct change when carrying a bag the size of a steamer trunk.
More Idle Thoughts: I passed by a church today with signage stating, “The Prophesy Church, We Know the Future…”Being curious, I stopped in and asked, “Okay, what’s my future?” The pastor looked at me and calmly stated, “You’re going to die.”
“Yeah, but we’re all going to die.” “Yes, if you come to our church, you’ll have an eternal life in Heaven.” “But what if there is no Heaven?” “Then you’re just dead.”
Another nearby church, competing with the Prophecy Church down the street, claimed on its sign,“God Loves the Real You.” Being an inherent cynic, I think, “Yeah, but what if the real me is an asshole, then what?” I need to pay more attention to my driving and quit reading signs.
Readers: People of a certain age often need prescription glasses or drugstore readers. I fall into the reader category. I regularly lose, misplace, or break my drugstore readers, and have resorted to having multiple pairs, one for each room, to hedge my bets. Frequently (every day, really) at the end of the day, I lose track of them, and they’ll end up in one room, and it’s not the room I’m in. I think it’s collusion on their part. On the plus side, hunting them down, I get my steps in on my Fitbit without cheating and whirling it around on a string, like I often do. One must stay physically fit. By hook, crook, or string.
