I take off my shoes, exposing my bare feet to the grass and its wildness. The chill under my soles shocked me. Intrusive thoughts tell me I’m soaking in blood from the blades of grass. I lower my head and just see a few drops of morning dew sliding off the leaves.
I open my lungs and fill them with life. The leafy smell clears out nonsense from my head, like mint filling my mouth as I scrub out the gunk on my teeth every morning. I reach for my chest and scratch an itch.
I exhaled and lied down. My body fat cushions the weight of my skeleton. The ground is gentle and firm. Clouds hover in a pale blue sky. Birds chirp and sing to the tranquillity.
I sink deeper each time my chest deflates. Inhale. I raise a foot in the air. Exhale. I take a step down the stairs. Breathe in. A rubber band is pulled apart. Breathe out. The rubber band becomes loose again. In. The emerald sea sucks me in. Out. The waves spit me out. The wheels come down, they touch the ground, then they go around.
A tingling sensation creeps up my arm. My heart races. My pupil dilates. A miniature pirate called Vaas is dancing on my vein. He chuckles and recites a timeless tale.
Up there, you thought you had a chance. WAY up in the fucking skies, you thought you had your finger on the p*ssy trigger. But hermano, down here…
Vaas stares at me.
Down here, you hit the ground.
The rustling forest scoffs at my naïveté and arrogance.
You are angry. I get it. I mean without family who the f*ck are we?
Leaves melt into each other, while the sun shoots holes in them. I keep breathing.
There was a time I would do anything for my sister. I mean the first time I ever killed was for my sister. Not enough for her, no no no no no please.
Inhale. Contours start to lose meaning, as air particles radiate geometry and morph into spinning hexagons.
You see the thing about our loved ones. right, our F*CKING loved ones. they come and they BLINDSIDE you every f*cking time.
Exhale. Fractals zoom in and branch out infinitely. Vaas shouting from the top of his lungs somehow didn’t bother me. My eyes are greedily locked in, afraid of missing out on a tiny detail. Wait, I didn’t blink but it looks like something else now, maybe it’s not what I think it was. Hold on a second—
I lost track of time in this kaleidoscope.
So they say to me, they say Vaas, Vaas. WHO THE F*CK IS IT GOING TO BE? THEM OR ME? ME OR THEM?
Like, like you know, like they f*cking think that I need to make a f*cking choice.
Then it hit me. EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE NOW.
There is no me, you or them. There is no heaven, no hell, no nations, no race. Nothing has ever happened. The universe is just breathing all along! I look at my chest, those scales on my skin are breathing as well.
Breathe in. Oxygen floods the carcass that was me.
What used to be hopes and dreams, bliss and sadness, pain and relief, fears and desires, shame and numbness. Sirens for ambulance and air raids. The thumping of heartbeats and goose steps. The flowing of time. The death of a star and the birth of a galaxy. We are all individual parts that constitute a uniform whole. All pasts, presents and futures do not flow into separate streams but converge into an endless sea of time and space.
Breathe out. All that masquerated as real is purged.
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The thumping gets louder and louder. The ground opens up and swallows the evil. I am going to die.
What?
I’m going to die. I AM GOING TO DIE.
I pull my jaw down and gasped for air.
BREATHE IN.
I push my belly and ribs in.
BREATHE OUT.
F*ck. I clench my fist to hold on to something in these treacherous waves. The straw slipped through my fingertips. I try to shout and nothing came out. I keep falling in this endless abyss. the darkness engulfs all
what do i do
what do i do
words don’t make sense anymore
what is my n̷̤͋a̴̢̓m̸̜̽é̷̬
w̶̤̎h̴̛̹ŏ̷͔ ̸̠̑a̸͒ͅm̵͈͝ ̴̲̓i̶͖̽
who do i love
where am i
ŵ̶̧̭͖̭͓̈́́ḧ̶͙̬̝͍̰́̊̓ȧ̸̧̬̤͈̓͗ṭ̸̖̹̥̅̉͜͝ ̸͓̝̙̖̋͒́͐͝a̷̱̿̿̓̅̀m̵͖͈̂͆̊͝ ̵̯̆̏̂̽̒ḯ̵̖͚̮̾̃͆͝
i need help
make this stop
I̸͉̅ ̴͕͘c̴͇̏ä̶͈̐n̶̼̿̏ͅt̸͊͜ ̶̞̘͆́ṯ̷̔a̸̖̤̐k̵̪͑e̷̺͌ ̴̓ͅi̴̛̳͇̋t̴̙̝͋͗ ̶̫̙̍â̴̠̘̕n̸̞̊́y̶̭̽m̷̪̈́͠o̶͙̞͐r̸̆̍ͅe̷̛͉̜
p̵͙̏͛̕͠l̷̙̠̮̓̓͐̚ē̴̮̤̯̗͝͠͝a̶͖̎ș̸̯̓͜ę̵̎͌́ ̸̙̈́m̴̟̱͙̅̓̌a̵̫̹̜̿͆͌k̵͙̏̾e̷͓̺̞̙̔́̀͝ ̶̫͇̄i̶̡͆̓t̵̞̬̯͘͜ ̴͙͎͓͆͐͌s̸͍̿t̷̛̔̈͘ͅö̵̮̤̝͓́̄p̴͉̗͛̉̄͘
t̶̢̻͎̲̼̦̦̅h̶̛̛̥̹̞̝̫̀̎̕i̴̧̻̥͂̏̃͑̊͌s̸̜̦̳͕͎̓̋̀̈ ̵̧̨̞̟̣͓̳̀̈́͊́̄i̴̦͙̻͛̍ş̸͚͙͖̓̄̎͛̈́ͅ ̵̪͖̮̲̟̱̗̔̓̕ả̷̡̗̹͜l̸̫̈́͑̀͝͝ḷ̵̨̨̠͙̬̾͌̎͂̈́ ̷̞̌̿̉̈́̚ì̷̛̛̦͎̜̝̩̫̑̈́n̵̜̪̾̊ ̵̻̈̄͛̂̋̄m̸̤̈́̍͑̒͘y̷̭̠̳̍̎̀̈́ ̶̺̺̖͚̜̅̾̓̒͘͘ẖ̷̨̞̽͒̽̔ē̵̻͋͒͒͐͐͝à̶͍͍̪̫̫̫̜͒d̶̢̩̣̩͙͌̈́ ̴̟͖̲̭̾̽͌̅́͝b̵̛̘͚̗̦͂̈́̉̀̕u̴̜͉̓͂́́͑͘t̸̄̃͊ͅ ̸̛̥̟͈͇̈͋̀̓͋̂h̵͎͂̉͐̐̚̚͘ǫ̸̢̹͔̲̹̉̓w̵͈͌̐͌ ̸̺͖̜͇̰̖̿̈́̐́̂̀͝d̷̳̞̗̐̒͋̆̾̓͘o̷͍̝̤̓̔ ̵̪̟̖͖̖̘̉̎̓í̶̻͕̭̰̾̀͋͗͗̕ ̴͉̙̹͖̝̌̉̅e̸͎̰͇̱̹͂̓͗̀̿͜͝s̵̢̗̆č̷̜͒ạ̶̺̗͙̇͂͌̒p̸̧͙̼̲̟̿͛̏͒͊́̕e̶̦̠͇̹͍̹̋̏̅̊͒̊͗͜ ̶̫͖͎̾ͅf̸͕͈̊̂̉̍̂̃ͅr̵̡̻̗̻͎͕̫̐̏̈́̿ớ̷̼̯̝́̆̑̓m̶̧͉̼̹̺̓ͅ ̶̡̪̥̠̾͐͐̕m̴̯̩͓̫̗̔̓̓̊́ȳ̵̢̙̼̼̰͍͐̽ ̸̥̜̠̪̉̈̓̂̆̉͠h̶͙̮̣̞̟͉̅͗̆̾͘ē̸̝̣͙̰a̴̦͉̺̥̯͗̍̐̏d̷̝̳̽̽͝
An eternity passed before it all went quiet. The deafening noise is gone. Vaas is gone. The fractals are gone. It’s just the trees, the birds, and me soaked in what could be tears, sweat or the damp soil.
There are many ways to ground yourself and re-connect with the Earth. I don’t recommend trying shiny mushrooms in a random forest.
Credits to Ubisoft and Far Cry 3 for the Vaas monologues
