Variations on A Theme
Recently, I completed a writing exercise that required I write five variations of a simple event: a man getting off a bus, tripping, looking around in embarrassment, and seeing a woman smiling. I had so much fun with the exercise and am so proud of what I wrote, I’m sharing it here.
P.S.: My favourite variation is #4.
1
A fella unboarded a bus.
So great was his haste
His foot a step it did miss
And off flew he, disgraced,
Man! Into a stream of doggy piss.
And at the end of the canine leash?
A dame, stylish, no blemish
but the impish grin on her face.
2
So, I was late to school the other day, right? I don’t know what happened. The alarm didn’t go off; I slept through it; the bus was late. Who cares? Point is I was running late. When I finally got to my stop, I though I’d jump off, but I must of missed a stupid step because next thing I know, I’m on the ground and my face is getting drenched, DRENCHED, in dog piss. Some lux broad was holding the dog’s leash and do you think she moved the dog away? No. She was just standing there, grinning ear to ear like I made her day.
3
Once upon a late spring’s day, in a land where people lack mastery over time, a young man held the peculiar notion that skipping several steps while deboarding a public trasnport would hasten him to his destination. Alas! The young man miscalculated the impulse needed to clear the steps, and soon found himself not standing in triumph upon the ground, but with his face caught in a stream of doggy urine. Much to his chagrin, a dame dressed in all her finery held the other end of the dog’s leash, and on the dame’s face, a smile bloomed.
4
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Rick hated being late to school. Absolutely hated it. The embarrassment of walking into the office to request a late slip, the explanations, the excuses… No. No. No. This year, for the first time in his entire academic life, he had a perfect attendance record. No way he was going to lose it. When the bus finally approached his stop, there was only one thing to be done. He had to jump off. Take all those steps at once. Who cares if he was never any good at jumping? He would keep his record intact, come what may.
Rick swung his backpack over his shoulder, took position in front of the bus doors, and the second those doors cleared the way, he took the leap of his life. Into the air he soared, like an eagle. Higher and higher all of him went: head, arms, torso, right leg.
Left leg?
Rick’s left leg failed to reach terminal velocity and gravity claimed him sooner than expected. In one fell swoop, Rick crash-landed on hard cement, the air abandoning his body as his lungs collapsed from the force of the impact. He opened his mouth to reclaim the air he needed to live, but the air tasted funny. His face felt funny, wet, and the stench of ammonia enveloped him. He opened his eyes and found himself under a yellow rain. What? How? ‘Golden shower,’ his brain helpfully supplied.
Rick’s eyes scanned higher than the source of the stream, searching — he did not know what. A little help? A little compassion, maybe? He found a leash attached to a dog’s vest and followed it up and up to fingers covered in jewels, to an arm and a torso wrapped in some designer-looking white blazer with a pearl necklace as accent, to a woman’s face neatly made up and grinning, brilliantly white teeth in full display.
5
Come on come on come on. Come on! Why is the stupid bus taking so long? There. Almost there. Jesus! What’s with the snail pace? Open the doors already! I’m gonna have to jump off. There’s no way I’m gonna be late. No way.
Alright, alright, alright. Doors finally open. Here I go, all steps all at once!
Fuck! Nononononononono. Foot! How could you! Damn it! Ow. Ow, that hurts.
Ugh! What’s with the taste? And the smell? “JES — “ ptooey, pfft “ — FU — “ ack, ack, ack. “ — CHRIST!”
Who’s the goddam owner of the pissing beast? “LADY! Stop grinning like a fool and get your dog!”
