When an Interview Stops Feeling Like an Interview
I prepared to interview Sean without being completely certain what I wanted to find out. I considered several possible directions: whether I should take the role of a helper, ask about his experience of running a company, or explore his relatively long experience as a landlord. Rather than committing to one area immediately, I prepared several simple questions to establish a structure and help the conversation develop naturally.
At the beginning, I noticed Sean rubbing his hands, which I interpreted as a possible sign of nervousness. I therefore started with several closed questions to establish a comfortable rhythm. However, after these initial questions, the conversation quickly became more familiar. Instead of feeling like a formal interview, it began to resemble two friends having a conversation.
This became the central theme of my reflection: when does an interview stop feeling like an interview?
There is an expectation that an interview should have a certain level of structure and formality. In this case, however, I was interviewing Sean in a context where I was also interested in understanding his experiences. I therefore had to find a balance between creating enough structure to demonstrate that I was taking the conversation seriously and allowing enough flexibility for him to speak naturally.
I organised the meeting approximately a week in advance and prepared questions beforehand. I also checked in with Sean afterwards and gave him something to read following the conversation. These were useful ways of creating structure around the interview. However, I became aware that I occasionally introduced more formality than the situation required. For example, I explicitly explained that the conversation was confidential. Sean laughed slightly when I said this, which was understandable given that we are family friends and already have an established level of trust. I noticed a similar reaction when I signposted at the end of the conversation.
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These moments were important because they highlighted a difference between knowing that certain interviewing practices are appropriate and knowing when they are actually appropriate. I had been taught the importance of confidentiality and clearly establishing the beginning and end of a session, but applying these techniques mechanically made the conversation feel less natural. The challenge was therefore not simply knowing which techniques to use, but judging when and how to use them.
Sean’s feedback afterwards helped me evaluate this more objectively. When I asked whether he had enjoyed the meeting or found anything useful in it, he described me as a “very empathetic listener” and said that I “reply well, understanding what has been said.” His main criticism was not about my ability to listen or ask questions, but about my organisation. I had written my questions across several pages of my notebook, making them difficult to navigate. He also suggested that I should “organise the aim, clearer.”
This feedback was particularly useful because it challenged some of my assumptions. During the interview, I had been concerned that I was being too informal, that I was asking the wrong questions or that I should have created greater professional distance. Sean’s feedback suggested that these were not the main problems. Instead, the areas that required improvement were more practical: “having a clearer aim” and “organising my questions more effectively.”
The most useful responses occurred when the conversation became natural. Sean was no longer trying to provide the ideal answer to a prepared question; he was simply talking about his experiences, including things we would not normally have an opportunity to discuss. In this sense, the interview became more than an information-gathering exercise. It created an opportunity for a conversation that might not otherwise have happened. This also made me reconsider what the role of an interviewer should be. Sean is an empathetic person who regularly asks me questions about myself, so I found it interesting to reverse these roles. I realised that the appropriate interviewing style depends on the purpose of the interview.
I think much of my approach came from the counselling course I have been completing. The skills of listening carefully, asking questions and trying to understand another person’s experience came naturally to me. However, the exercise also showed me the importance of being able to step outside that role. The interview worked well when I approached it as an opportunity to listen and understand, but it would have been less effective if the objective had been to obtain several specific pieces of information quickly. This distinction became clearer when Sean mentioned that he had previously interviewed someone as part of a university exercise. It made me consider the difference between interviewing someone because you have been asked to complete an exercise and interviewing someone because you genuinely want to understand their experience. The first can produce answers; the second can produce a story. Which in retrospect is exactly what the counselling course taught as I was trying to be the most empathetic version where this is not as useful as an interviewer.
The experience therefore taught me that good interviewing is not simply about asking good questions. It involves understanding the purpose of the interview, preparing appropriately and then knowing when to allow the structure to become less visible. I need to improve my organisation by establishing a clearer aim and preparing more precise questions. At the same time, I do not want to lose the listening skills that allowed the conversation to develop naturally.
The most useful lesson was that I need to be able to move in and out of “interview mode.” There are times when structure, formality and focused questioning are necessary. There are also times when stepping back from those techniques creates a better environment for someone to speak openly. Recognising which approach is appropriate may be one of the most important skills I can develop as an interviewer.
