You Are Very Smart
It sucks trying to understand and genuinely, honestly, figure out what happened. So hard to do.
My phone died and then when I got to the bus transfer stop, I took out my computer, which will die too in probably 5 minutes. (ETA: It lasted about 20 minutes longer than anticipated.)
I will have to make a note in Slack for the writing group I’m in now to communicate my error. And #2, I did not prep food today and will not stick to the metabolic approach to cancer diet. Tomorrow I will be back and I have to figure out how to keep consistent within the gap days…I am better than one month ago. When my sister comes back to talk to people — and Godwilling she stays alive and does not die, seriously— I will match her as closely as possible. Godwilling. These are branch conversations I’m still figuring out…really, this is to cope also by writing this here.
So I did a whole tangent for three minutes that I had to publish separately as another blog post. But I had a heavy day and week, so I have to blog it out.
All I wanted to say is that my brother is very smart. My older brother. The thing is that when you have a stepfather (my father) who does not take care of you properly, what can arise is discontent I think, confusing feelings off ill will toward his biological child or children who he still didn’t treat that much differently. And I also don’t know my brother’s experiences with his biological dad. So this is a well to go into because we deserve to stand in this story.
I don’t know how my father treated really my older siblings versus us — I just feel it and make obsevations from growing up now, putting the pieces together. He was not right to them. He was wrong to them.
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My older brother went to Stone Mountain High School and went to the college Tulane University. He would have studied engineering, which would have been so cool honestly. He switched to Communications for whatever reason I don’t know, maybe he liked it more, or it was easier, I don’t know. My father told him that engineering was better, but that is “stan” behavior when you do not really treat a person as your son and say they were jealous of us for having our father, yet chime in when you did not earn the right to have an opinion on his goals.
And by the way, who says something hurtful like that about their step-children rather than observing that being left out will make you jealous and making the effort to ensure that they are welcomed and loved? It is mean and harmful to them, and us in observing this, experiencing this. I mean all of this contributes to my Max Capacity as well.
Again I also have to be past judgment because I am my father as well. I am not different in the sense of what I know is what I know. I just talked about, in a just published post, I just talked about max capacity in being uncommunicaive with people who I do not have connection with through my harsh experiences. So it is to hopefully piece together and heal, each of us, with the right boundaries with my father. And heal even if such a thing is even possible at this point.
My older brother is indeed jealous of my younger brother. And I am sorry that the un-family dynamics would inspire this. We’ll get to this soon.
My older brother taught me shapes. He taught me different educational things, but he also harmed another sibling too in a way that like I said caused their sickness, the trauma of it. Blogging is essential to healing I think, for my sibling. This is one thing I can do that her Max Capacity does not allow at this moment, synthesizing this mess. Godwilling her body is healed, and mine is safe.
But all I want to say today is that I have always admired my older brother’s intellect. What happens though when you face trauma in your life at a high level, is that positive things blend with the negative experiences to zero out. That is what I am learning with myself, at least.
I think the next article will be about him being smart but that in addition to his intelligence, there were also other things at play and I will transparently (if possible?) take my place in this as well. Things that damage a person irreperably. The sad thing is that within the harshness of his experiences, you should still not harm another sibling, even if they are a half-sibling. This I struggle to grapple with.
This is a real fault that can’t be excused. It’s not fair to have to carry this all. But is is the cards we have been dealt so it is time to play.
