How to make good friends as adults
Finding and making friends is a skill that you can learn.
If there is one thing I feel highly qualified for, it is the art of making friends. And it’s not just because I have a vast network of friends spread across different continents. It’s also because even though I’ve lived in three countries and four different cities, I have always found a way to make friends.
With each phase in life so far, I have realized making friends is not easy. If anything, it often gets more complicated and nuanced the older you get.
However, just like any art or science, there is a process to it. In terms of making friends it begins when you figure out:
- Why do you want or need friends?
- How do you make friends you like?
- Where do you find friends you like?
Why do you want or need friends?
Did you just move to a new city or country? Start at a new job? In a different phase of your life that your current friends can’t relate to or aren’t in? Just got out of a long-term romantic relationship? Feeling lonely? Looking for adventure?
These are all valid reasons, however starting with the “why” gives you clarity on the type of friends you want and helps you in the process of finding them and eventually maintaining the friendships.
Different types of friends play varied distinct roles and may benefit our lives in different ways. “We can think about different types of friendships in terms of how much intimacy we want, how much depth we want,” explains Marisa G. Franco, Ph.D., a psychologist, professor at the University of Maryland, and New York Times bestselling author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — And — Keep Friends. “If we can treat each of these friendships differently, we can harness what’s best about them in a way that best works for us and the friendship.”
Sometimes you might want social friends, people you can go out with or have a good time with. Maybe it is a friend group you are looking for, a group you do social activities with but are not necessarily close to everyone in the group.
Craving connection is a normal part of the human experience. We are social beings. There is nothing wrong with wanting or needing a friend because you are lonely or whatever other reason you may have. Let go of any shame you may feel in admitting your need for friendships as an adult.
Also, be clear on your WHY. Knowing why you want or need a friend gives you clarity which is useful in setting boundaries and standards from the beginning. It also makes you more intentional about who you make friends with so you are not friends with people you don’t like.
Super Tip: Don’t try to find one friend to serve ALL purposes. Those friendships are not so common, get comfortable with having different friends to serve different purposes in your life. You can have a friend that makes a great travel buddy, another friend that you love going shopping with, and so on. Now I am not saying that is impossible, rather it is better to manage your expectations from the beginning. Especially, if you are fairly new to this.
How do you make friends you like?
I have found that the easiest way to start a friendship is when it is centred around a shared activity. So maybe you moved to a new city, try meeting people at your local gym and ask a few of them out to fitness classes. Or at church, make plans to attend some church activities together. The same strategy applies to people you meet at work, in a club or even at a party.
My second best tested and trusted strategy for making friends as an adult is by referrals. Now, stick with me this is not some weird Ponzi scheme or a formal networking hack. I am a believer in trusting “some” of my existing friend’s opinions or recommendations of people they think I would get along with.
For example, when I moved to a new city I complained to a close friend about how hard it had been to make friends. She immediately told me she knew a cool friend that she felt I would get along with really well. Turns out this friend lived about ten minutes from my house, after our first conversation he invited me to his birthday party and the rest they say is history.
However, not every friend feels comfortable with their friends being friends so it’s best to know what your friends prefer to avoid it becoming awkward.
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Regardless of how many great tips I may gift, I should add I am a people person with great communication skills (if I do say so myself). This means that talking to people comes pretty naturally to me, however, that does not make it the easiest thing always.
So let’s get into the little changes that you can work on as an introvert, socially awkward or — insert any antisocial qualities you may have- that could help make it better:
- Be approachable: Several non-verbal social cues show people you are open to being interacted with. This ranges from smiling at people, looking up from your phone when in a public setting and giving out compliments. Before you start overthinking what type of compliments to give, look at the person’s outfit and compliment one item you like, my comfort compliment is telling people I like their shoes. I would focus on something you like so it comes across as a genuine compliment.
The general rule of thumb is to stay away from complimenting or commenting on the body parts, weight or height of someone you do not know well. Saying “You have a lovely smile” is better than “I like how full your lips are”.
Finally, you need to take out those earphones or headphones when at public gatherings, I hate to sound like a parent here. But nothing screams don’t talk to me like being plugged in.
- Be open-minded: If you are reading this article you are probably as open-minded as can be. In making friends, I mean you need to be open to meeting people in uncommon places like at a grocery line queue, the elevator of your building or bonding over a shared experience like a 24-hour delayed flight or even a dating app.
This does not mean you should talk to every stranger you encounter, but it means you should not count down every stranger you may meet. As a woman, this is even more difficult given how society can work against us in certain ways. However, I recommend talking to new people that you have a good feeling about or that you gravitate towards. Sometimes trusting your gut feeling about someone saves you a lot of stress
How do you find friends you like?
- Join like-minded communities or spaces: This ranges from social clubs, city meet-ups, online communities, social apps, and business networks, the list is endless. Chances are you would like people you share common interests or passions with. If you can’t find a community that matches your needs, this might be a sign for you to start one.
- Go out and do things you enjoy alone: If you are going somewhere alone there is a high chance you won’t know anyone there so you have nothing to lose. People are drawn to you when they see you having a good time. You’re more likely to be approached by someone if you’re alone as they are less scared of being rejected or ignored. This leads me to my next point.
- Get comfortable with rejection or unreciprocated advances: If I had INVESTED a dollar for all the friendships I tried to start and got rejected or that were not reciprocated. I would probably have cashed out on crypto or something.
Yes, you were nice, made the plans, and were the most easy-going or least awkward version of yourself. Yet, they were not interested enough to do the same or flat-out ghosted you. Does it suck? Definitely. Trust me I know that feeling very well.
You find yourself overthinking all the possible reasons for it like if it was something you did or said or finding a way to blame yourself. Let me propose a better way to save yourself all that stress of overthinking, what if they just were not that into you (stick with me, I’m going somewhere with this).
Let me break it down this way, think about that food or meal you either hate or are indifferent about (for me, that would be anything seafood). Now, if you go to a restaurant or had to choose something to order you probably would not go for that food.
I have tried some amazing seafood dishes and eaten them, but would I actively order a seafood meal if I had other options? Probably not. And most of the time that is just the case, they may have thought you were a great person, but they just were not interested in you enough to try to be friends with you or put in the same effort you did.
Rather than thinking you are not good enough for someone, find people who are truly interested in knowing you or being friends with you. Trust me going where you are wanted not only boosts your confidence but feels amazing. Stop trying to sell a spicy chicken dish to a seafood lover or vice-versa.
- Do not make every new friend part of your inner circle: Not all friendships are equal and they should not be. Even though we live in a society where oversharing is fairly common or even the norm now. I still believe you should treat your friendships like an exclusive membership club with different levels of access.
Some friends are meant to be casual and not privy to private parts of your life. This diagram does a great job of visualizing what I mean, you can find out more on the breakdown of what each circle means and how to figure out where your current friends lie.
Although, there are exceptions of a few people you meet, hit it off and become almost inseparable. But if we are being honest that does not happen that often.
Be selective of who you let into your personal and private life. If they get offended, that is their problem, not yours. Get comfortable not pleasing everyone, especially new friends you do not know much about yet.
- Reconnect with people in your network: When I say network I am referring to people you may have gone to school with, former co-workers or even a childhood friend. I realized there is a special bond that transcends time when you have a shared experience especially when it comes to school or work. Especially when you move to a new country or city, reaching out to people you knew in the past is a low-effort way to expand your network without having to put yourself out there.
- Have an abundance mindset: There are way too many people in this world to be stuck being friends with people who do not like you or make you feel good. Let go of the negative self-talk that you may never find friends again or feel like you have to start all over again.
When I was 18, I moved to a new country for school and the first group of friends I made turned out to not be the best people for me. I felt disappointed and sad when I learned some of the cruel opinions they had about me. Fortunately, letting go of them is one of the best decisions I ever made. I was able to make new friends with people I had more shared interests and values with, and to date, I am still friends with most of them.
Trust me, you are never going to be too old, too different or too much to make friends as adults. There are always going to be people who will appreciate and like you for those unique qualities that make you special. I hope this encourages someone today to go out there and make friends.
